The post on Wimpy Husbands with Rebellious Wives elicited
many comments with some believing that a reticent husband can do nothing but
either put up with unruly behavior from his wife or separate. I think there
is a lot a godly husband can and should do to try to assume his role as leader of
the marriage and guide his wife forward to a Biblical marriage in a loving way.
Many Christian wives, even difficult ones, will respond positively when
a husband shows consistent loving leadership.
Be a
Christian to Your Spouse
My {Ken wrote this post!} advice to all husbands is to act like a Christian to your
wife and insist that all things in your home be Christian. No good
leader is above leading by example, so ask your wife to point out to you any
area in your marriage where you consistently "miss the mark" of God’s
Word. But never fall for the lie that because you are imperfect you lose your
God given responsibility to lead your marriage and family.
Practice
Your Faith
Remember that Christianity is about faith and trust in God, not in
what we can see or manage on our own. We must believe God has put us together
with the spouse for me, and the one God will use to grow us up to be like
Christ. Trust God that no matter how dark or frustrating things seem that He
has you right where He wants you, to learn, grow and love. So trust God and jump
in and lead.
Ask
Your Wife to Practice Her Values
If your wife shows a pattern of acting in an unchristian way call
her out on it in a Christlike way of correction. If your spouse claims to
be a Christian, or not, begin to gently show her where her behavior does not
match up with her own stated values. Ask her if she believes in kindness,
generosity, goodness, grace, unselfishness, treating others the way they would
like to be treated and mutual respect. Each time she shows a pattern of bad
behavior show her where she has a dichotomy between her values and her bad
behaviors. Explain that,
Happiness comes to those who live out their
chosen values, and unhappiness to those who deep inside know they are a fraud
as their own behavior condemns them.
Remember
it Should Never Be About Superiority or Control
God did not make the husband leader of his wife and family
by virtue of his superior knowledge or wisdom, but because God plans on
working in and through his life to make him a good leader. Check in with Him
regularly before any knee jerk reaction and ask the question, “What Would Jesus
Do?” Be humble about your leadership and let many things slide. Remember, it is
not controlling your spouse, but to solve repeated unchristian behaviors so as
to create harmony and oneness in your marriage.
Be
in the Word Daily
Bring your Bible to the table for breakfast and dinner. Open it up
and read some verses, or a chapter each day, and ask your wife and kids how
these words fit into the life of your family. The job of a Christian leader is
far less about changing behavior as it is about changing bad thinking. Find the
lies your spouse is believing and replace them with the Word of God.
Set
Specific Behavioral Standards
To work on specific bad behaviors write them down, then send a
written request to your wife that she please work with you to replace her bad
thinking with Christian thinking. Email your love letter explaining that you
are committed to allowing God to work in your life and marriage to make the two
of you fall madly in love again with each other. Be specific on what you see
needs to change, and explain how her behavior now is hurting you and the
marriage. Give the answers from God’s Word as to what new behavior you would
like for you both to develop in your lives together.
Establish
Accountability and Creative Consequences
Ask your spouse if she will agree to reasonable consequences each
time a regular pattern of sin or misbehavior shows itself. Explain that you are
willing to accept the same if you do not live up to your part of the deal. The
consequences should be more light hearted at the first violations and perhaps increase,
but never should they be anything more than a communications tool. Neither of
you are children, but even adults often need forms of accountability to solve
bad behavior issues. I cut tardiness by 95% in my practice by taking a dollar
per minute away from a team member’s year end bonus for every minute late in the
morning after a reasonable grace period. Then the lost money was given to those
who are on time. Just this game is enough to keep people focused and arriving on
time. So too, a good set of agreed upon consequences can keep both
spouses focused on their responsibilities towards each other.
Consistently Correct with Grace
Gauge the response of your wife, and if it is not positive at
first, keep inching forward. Changing bad habits takes time, and it is often
one step forward and one step back. If she is unwilling to commit to change,
leadership will be much more difficult, but this does not remove a husband from
his leadership role. Each and every time she exhibits the bad behavior call her
on it by exposing the lie and giving her the truth. Use as light a comment as
possible, perhaps with a smile, or humor. Correcting someone does not mean that
you have to be loud or difficult. Instead, speak your mind, give what the
correct response should have been, and walk away. No discussion is necessary in
the correction, but perhaps discuss it later. This is discipline, to be shown
one's sins and misbehaviors with perhaps an admonition, “Please work with me on
this.”
Gently
and Consistently Apply Consequences
Even if your spouse refuses the consequences, smile and tell her
that she just got fined for her bad behavior, but a simple apology may cut the
consequence. If she apologizes you have won half or more of the battle. Give
her a hug and do the consequence for her. If she won’t apologize, try smiling,
shaking your head and walking away. The next day address the behavior and ask
why she will not play along. Does she want a good marriage? Does she have a
better way of getting to a great marriage? If so, you are all ears.
Know that Your
Christian Wife Wants Your Leadership
Assume that your Christian wife wants to work with you on your
marriage and will accept your leadership if you stay consistent. No matter how
difficult things may seem, most Christian wives, after a time to process your
new found leadership style, will desire to move forward with you towards
harmony and peace in the marriage. The unruly Christian wife often desires
discipline, knowing that she cannot produce it on her own. She appreciates an
outline of reasonable expectations, misbehaviors she must stop, disciplines she
must learn, and she often suggests her own consequences for when she does not
live up to reasonable standards that she helps set. The process of the
discipline becomes easy when the husband uses a consistently light hearted yet
direct approach to helping his once rebellious wife live out her own values.
Never
lose hope!
One of the finest qualities of a leader is that he never gives up
believing that this is the wife God has given him to lead and God will cure his
marriage. Just as a wife must trust God when trying to win a difficult husband
“without a word” by her chaste and godly behavior, so too a husband must trust
God with His leadership role. A Christian husband never gives up his role as a loving head and leader just because his wife is difficult or undisciplined. He
is obliged by his role to at least try to lead his wife in a loving manner and
that starts by not letting her fleshly desires run wild, without at least
calling her out on them, and challenging her to match up her life with her own
values and beliefs. Then allow God to do His mighty work in her life without
much pushing or pulling. Just be like Jesus and speak the truth and rebuke as
necessary without much negative emotion. "The facts, nothing but the facts
tested against God’s Word."
We have heard from wives who have been so thankful for their husband showing leadership where they were undisciplined. What a husband does to win a difficult
wife can be many things specific to her needs and what he believes may work
with her unique personality and issues. But no matter what, he must always
reflect the Lord Jesus, His love, and His tough love and discipline for His
disobedient children. All with one goal in mind, as to present his bride
spotless and blameless before the Lord some day.
If this exercise is for anything other than serving a wife through
loving leadership, it is bound to fail. A husband must be willing to patiently
wait for a wife to decide that it is the Lord who asks her to willfully submit
to her husband. If we are ever to grow up into Christ we must give up fleshly
behavior for a walk in the Spirit. Truth replacing the lies, because a loving
husband will no longer allow unchristian behavior in his home, or marriage,
without showing leadership, even if it costs him his bed some nights.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church,
and gave Himself for it; that He might sanctify and cleanse
it with the washing of water by the word, that He might
present it to Himself a glorious church, not having spot,
or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it
should be holy and without blemish.
Ephesians 5:25-27
Logging you in...
Tom · 534 weeks ago
Marie · 534 weeks ago
Ken · 534 weeks ago
Your "we" are not children so what can a husband do with a wife who is acting worse than a child at times with bad and destructive behavior, other than the consequence of separation? Certainly if you are acting like an adult then adult treatment is what one should receive... but we are fined for speeding, drunkenness and a myriad of other offenses as adults. Not only fined but thrown in jail. How can that happen to an adult?
You get my point. Just because someone is of an age to be an adult does not mean their behavior should be prayed for and be kind in return if such kindness is not helpful to their growing up and becoming responsible. I am not talking about minor offenses, or something that happens 1-2 times a year, I am talking about repeated bad behavior that everyone in the family can see except the difficult spouse.
Getting such a spouse to first acknowledge their behavior as wrong, then accept that it must change, are great starts. But if it continues, the change can be accelerated by an agreement on certain modest consequences. People have consequences everywhere for wrong behavior, school, work, the road, playground, the golf club. Violate a rule and there are consequences, but in a marriage there should be no consequences for blatant sin? I guess only for those who do not want to make the appropriate changes in their life.
Marie · 534 weeks ago
Ken · 534 weeks ago
Calling out a spouse to live out their stated values, and trying to get a spouse to agree to consequences for repeated bad behavior are communications tools that any marriage can use, not just Christian marriages. Christians should have greater values that demand good behavior, so more leverage for a spouse to use when trying to get change. But mostly, Christians have the Spirit of God inside who changes lives, often by using our spouse, or Christian friends, to show us whee our lives to not match up with the Word of God.
zbexrel · 511 weeks ago
Ken · 534 weeks ago
Yes, both a husband and a wife sometimes acts out worse than a child but then claim that because they are an "adult" no consequences are necessary. To which I would fully agree IF the behavior did not continue as a pattern over and over again. Bad habits are hard to break, and most who try to break a bad habit set their own consequences in an attempt to get healthy and stop bad behavior. In a one flesh marriage it is ideal if husband and wife talk about their individual behaviors they want to change and set about trying to change them with God's power, and with the power of self-discipline and mutual accountability. Ultimately we know that real change comes from the inside out and from the Spirit, but until such real change happens, we are responsible to lead self-disciplined lives, especially in areas of blatant sin towards a spouse.
Tom · 534 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 534 weeks ago
Ken · 534 weeks ago
Tom · 534 weeks ago
Ksdee · 534 weeks ago
Translation to spouse, why is simply discussing not an appropo way to continue to help change unproductive behaviors? It seems it would be more in line with leadership versus achieving change through disciplinary action such as fines? I worry this could be misconstrued as a type of competitive game and misses the genuineness of love.
Ken · 534 weeks ago
Sorry, I know the CEO was referring to salaried employees which pilots are, but most salaried employees sit behind desks and have no patients or customers waiting for them when they come in the morning. We have certain team members who arrive 20-30 minutes late each morning and work through lunch and management is OK with that. It is the team members who have patients waiting on them that must be on time, just like the crew of a plane, or things snowball and the whole system shuts down with tardiness.
So let's assume a wife is a management type who should have leeway to get the job done in a timely manner without being kept to a precise schedule. I am good with that, and think it a good analogy as far as it goes.
The wives spoken of in the two posts are not meeting the minimum standards of their roles as wives. They regularly get upset with their husbands and chew them out with nasty words. A couple of them are not completing normal stay at home Mom tasks leaving a lot of the dishes and house work to the husband when he gets home. For them the analogy fails because they are not responsible.
Discussing is the first step to solving the issue and with most spouses it works because each one wants to please the other and each one is a responsible, self-disciplined person. Mangement never has to manage a responsible person much as they are getting their work done, but I bet the CEO would have a big problem with a salaried employee who arrives at work at 9:00 a.m., then goes to the staff lounge to make breakfast, spends a hour or two working then back to the break room and onto the Internet and texting for an hour, then a little more work, and out the door at 4:00 p.m. with 2/3rds of their work load getting done.
Worse yet, when the CEO says something to them to discuss it with them they are not apologetic, but they go into a tirade. How long should the CEO keep trying to discuss things with them about their disrespect and lack of productivity without trying consequences? I am not making up these spouses, they are for real. And yes, they are usually the ones seeking help and advice as those who have good marriages have no need to email or call us for advice.
It can be a game at first, but the game is a communications tool to raise awareness of the wrong behavior and remind the spouse of commitments made, until such time as keeping their commitments becomes a normal pattern.
lyn · 534 weeks ago