James Dobson from Focus on the Family has done a lot of good in his lifetime. He ministers to families and knows that they are the foundation upon which a healthy society is built. I agree with a lot of his teachings. I remember long ago when his children were young, he taught that mothers needed to be home full-time when the children were young. As his children got older, he would decide that mothers needed to be home full-time when they were older also. Then, he decided that even children in high school need full-time mothers. I applauded him for his advice.
He recently came out with the poster shown above. I disagree with it. I don't think any woman is comfortable following a husband's leadership and this is why older women are commanded to teach young women to love and obey their husbands. None of us want to be told what to do. We want things our way and the way we like it. No one submits to authority easily. It has to be taught just as children need to be taught to submit to their parent's authority. I have known many kind and gentle parents who didn't discipline and teach their children obedience to their authority. Therefore, the children grew up to be disobedient.
This kind of teaching destroys marriages. Most wives will never think their husbands are loving or gentle enough for them to follow. 'Loving' and 'gentle' will have to live up to their definitions and expectations of what those words look like. They become the leader of the home, instead of the husband. I have seen marriages where the husbands were very kind, yet the wives nagged them mercilessly.
Ken has always been loving and worthy of my respect. He has not always fit my definition of gentle but can you tell me any husband that does??? I'm not always gentle, are you? Aren't we called to take the log out of our own eye before we take the splinter out of someone else's? Besides, our obedience to the Lord should NEVER EVER depend on someone else's obedience. This is a total recipe for disaster!
Certainly husbands are worthy of our respect but they will always have faults and disappoint us. They won't live up to our expectations. They won't do things we like, however, this shouldn't matter to us. Obeying God is what should matter to us and cause us to follow our husband's lead by being submissive to them.
Therefore, women, don't wait for your husband to become the husband that you think he needs to become before you obey God. Obey God now, today, and see what God will accomplish through YOUR obedience. He works through those who are willing to give up their rights and do things His way since He is our Creator and knows what is best for us.
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands;
that, if any obey not the word, they also may
without the word be won by the conversation of the wives.
I Peter 3:1
Logging you in...
Stephanie · 536 weeks ago
amanhiswife 27p · 536 weeks ago
That said, his teaching if absolutely full of feminism. In fact there is as much feminism as there is Christianity. Both in his books and his past Focus On the Family organization. It get's praised for the work it has done in marriages, but I'll be honest and say it has done as much harm as it has good.
Here are a couple Dalrock posts on it as I don't have time or want to write a book in Lori's comment section. As always with the manosphere read caution- for those with gentle hearts please don't veer into the comment section.
https://dalrock.wordpress.com/2014/03/03/the-wake... https://dalrock.wordpress.com/2014/03/12/denying-... https://dalrock.wordpress.com/2013/11/29/dont-for... https://dalrock.wordpress.com/2012/03/29/women-ar...
That will at least get you started in understanding his teaching and also the kind of teaching he allowed in an organization he founded and ran for decades.
I understand these are not popular things to say about one of the conservative hero's of our time- but my point is that our "conservativism" has been hijacked. It has less to do with the Bible than you might think. God bless- Robert/cabinetman
FREEINDEED · 536 weeks ago
Anywhoo, my mother made the comment to me that OF COURSE my sister could submit to her husband if he was as kind and gentle as MINE! I feel that comparisons are a very dangerous temptation for wives in general and not a good place to go. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors. . . .I know that there are many things my husband requires of me that would not be favorable to my sisters. My conversation that followed was very similar to what you've written above.
We all have our own cross to carry. Some are heavier or messier than others. Praise Yahweh - through His strength and His grace we can make it through!
hiswife522 43p · 536 weeks ago
It creates and IF/THEN situation. IF the husband is gentle, THEN the wife will follow. No, we are supposed to submit and follow regardless.
It also creates a decision to obey that is based on perception and feeling. IF *I* think my husband is gentle then I will follow. Nope, obedience should never be dependent upon what I perceive. There have been many times when I did not feel my husband was gentle, and yet he was entirely acting upon love. My feelings are not to decide if and when I obey. I obey God regardless of what I feel. Period. It's not about me and how I feel.
Third, our decisions to obey shouldn't revolve around comfort. Do we think Jesus was comfortable on the cross? Was Stephen comfortable when he was being stoned? Was Peter comfortable being crucified upside down?
These messages of subtle error are so dangerous. It may appear that he is saying a wife should follow her husband, but he is completely undermining Scripture and placing too much importance on the wives feelings. He is operating from a psychology perspective rather than a Biblical perspective. We use psychology and throw the occasional Bible passage in. The Bible in itself is all we need, not modern psychology.
Cristina · 536 weeks ago
Cynthia Swenson · 536 weeks ago
Lindsay Harold · 536 weeks ago
In short:
It certainly is easier for women to follow a loving, gentle man, but the poster is wrong in assuming that the only barriers to a woman following her man are his flaws. That simply isn't true. Women also have to overcome their own flaws that stand in the way of the proper relationship they were meant to have.
Cynthia Swenson · 536 weeks ago
Ken · 536 weeks ago
Follow, perhaps, at times that are convenient or beneficial. But to actually follow as in submission and allowing a husband to lead in the decisions of a family, come on James, you know your Bible and marriage counseling too well to believe that. Men generally follow their wives in most of the daily decisions of home and family, then when push comes to shove in making the bigger decisions, Christian husbands are often put to the test with their patience and perseverance if they want to get what they think is best. It is almost by definition that unless a wife learns to be submissive the husband will almost always lovingly give in to her desires even at a risk to his better judgment.
Let's get real here and stop pretending that husbands can ever get a wife to follow who chooses not to follow based on how respectful and kind he is. Selfishness does not work that way as it seeks its own, and does not respond to respect or kindness. What makes a Christian marriage work is both husband and wife have the highest ideals of God's Word to follow even if the other spouse does not do their part. So I remain true to trying hard to be loving, kind and respectful with my wife, but hardly saw her follow until she was confronted by the Spirit with her responsibility to love and submit to an imperfect husband.
Perhaps James Dobson and his team have had a different experience? Maybe their wives have not had to wrestle with submission? I would love to hear about that and how it all just worked out so nicely in a natural way when they were the husbands they were supposed to be. And tell me what it looked like when they weren't so perfect? An excuse for their wives to not be obedient to the Word or their vows?
I have always loved the Focus on the Family Group and what they stand for, and I would expect them to do nothing more than to challenge both sides of the marriage to be who God calls them to be. So the poster does have a message to men, but it could have been worded much better to say, "A woman will find it much more comfortable to follow masculine leadership...,recognizing that many wives will never comfortably follow.
Lauren · 536 weeks ago
elspethbreathinggrace 46p · 536 weeks ago
Ksdee · 536 weeks ago
I like the Dobson poster....a lot. I relate to it. I also note that it says "usually" not always. : )
What concerns me about this whole post and comments is...what about love? What about seeing the best in your spouse and trusting that you each have each other's best interests in heart, soul and mind? What about communicating what's in your heart? What's on your mind.
A loving, gentle husband would not bring any cause for hostility in a wives heart. If he is a good man, why would a wife find reason to resist and not respect? We are talking of Christian marriage, yet let's peek at non-Christian marriages...when love is the base, these marriages succeed and the participants who perhaps may not realize it, are modeling the true teachings of Jesus.....to love one another. They may not be Chrstian but the seed of love has been planted and they grow it.
At some time or another, surely all humans wrestle with submission and husbands/wives with submission to each other. We are not perfect beings and we thankfully have God's word to guide us.
Ken, submission is easier for me then to experience disrespect. The latter I will take a stand on and would do that for anyone, not just myself. Disrespect breeds contempt and ill feelings and anyone who feels that needs to be open in their communication. Speak softly, but speak. While submission has not always been a natural-feeling behavior, it has all worked out just so nicely in my life because I feel respected and loved. He gives to me, I give to him....the mutual respect becomes a circle of emotional safety. A lot of resistance occurs because of a spouse feeling emotional pain either presently or in the past that gets carried to the present. A loving gentle husband can help a wife to understand what frightens and help her to get past it. He protects her and that naturally perpetuates her respect for him.
Lori Alexander 122p · 536 weeks ago
Citizens to government............. 2 times
Children to parents.................... 2 times
Slaves to masters..................... 3 times
Wives to husbands.................... 12 times
Do you see how God knew there would be a problem with wives submitting to their husbands so He had to command it over and over again in different situations to make it clear we understand. He commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church in Ephesians 5. That's it. Yes, I am writing a post about this!
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 536 weeks ago
If I'm completely honest, when occasions arise in which I am disrespectful toward my husband, I don't usually get very far before I just break down and weep in private. I feel the guilt of my sinful behavior and how I am not displaying love for Christ or representing Him well and it breaks my heart to pieces. Sometimes I have moments where I feel so distraught over my sin that Jesus speaks lovingly to my heart and reminds me that He has forgiven me and that I have the power to make a change immediately. Do you know that, except for the fact that I feel sad about how I may have made my husband feel and how I want to be a blessing to him, the thing that brings about the desire to submit to my husband is not my husband's behavior, but the reminder of the fact that Jesus' blood was spilled on that cross so that my sins -- and lack of submission -- could be atoned. That is such a big deal to me that my eyes fill with tears even as I type this.
I believe that Christians will come to a place of desiring to obey God's command and change their secular ways once the Cross becomes a bigger deal to them. I see so many Christians justify their worldly behavior as the manifestation of "freedom in Christ" and all that signifies to me is lack of truly understanding the sacrifice that was made that day on Calvary. Once the sinless blood that was spilled for our wretched sinful souls truly gets to the heart of a person, they will never be the same again.
hiswife522 43p · 536 weeks ago
Here are my thoughts on it, based upon my own spiritual journey. I did not want to submit until I truly began studying theology and creation. My journey just began with the intent to firmly teach my children creation. Little did I know, as I began to truly understand Gods character and process in ordaining creation, there was no way I could truly worship and honor my Creator and God and forsake the authority he ordained. I further studied Gods character, justice, righteousness and holiness and found no other way to serve him but to submit myself to Him and my husband. In honoring my husband, I am honoring God, and I am honoring what he ordained. After truly understanding how wretched of a sinner I am , am how gracious God is, I simply can't forsake His commands to be submissive to my husband. I thusly think it's two fold: realize how horribly sinful we are (as opposed to the current culture view that were generally good) and realize how good and righteous God is.
I'm on my phone (computer is still fried) so I'm not sure I'm as eloquent as I want to be as it's not nearly as accurate to type on!
EHC · 536 weeks ago
Tam · 536 weeks ago
Missy · 521 weeks ago
Part of the curse, this is why we struggle to submit.