Monday, January 5, 2015

Why Are So Many Christian Women Repulsed By Submission?


Through this post, I am going to attempt to show you the importance God puts in a wife's position to her husband and why I think this is extremely important to Him. There are two commands (Ephesians 6:1 and Colossians 3:20) for children to obey their parents, thus children are under their parent's authority.  There are two verses (Romans 13:1 and 1 Peter 2:13) concerning citizens submitting to their government, therefore, citizens are under the government's authority.  There are three verses (Ephesians 6:5, Colossians 3:22 and 1 Peter 2:18) concerning slaves' obedience to their masters. 

So there are two concerning children, two concerning citizens, and three concerning slaves' relationship to those in authority over them. How many verses concern a wife's relationship to her husband? Twelve! I believe God knew that there would need to be many more instructions on this relationship since most would try to ignore it, dismiss it, water it down or simply be repulsed by the idea and refuse to obey.  

Here are the twelve verses ~

Genesis 2:18 "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a help meet for him." She was created to be the man's help meet, not the other way around.

Genesis 3:16 "Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." Part of the curse would be the woman's desire to rule over her husband but that the husband will rule over her.

I Corinthians 11:3 "...the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God." The husband is the wife's head; he is over her.

I Corinthians 14:34,35 "Let women keep silence in the churches...they are commanded to be under obedience...if they will learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home..."  Husbands are allowed to speak but not wives and must have a teachable spirit toward their husbands and learn from them..

Ephesians 5:22 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, 
as unto the Lord."

Ephesians 5:23 "For the husband is the head of the wife, 
even as Christ is the head of the church.."

Ephesians 5:24 "...so let the wives be (submissive) to their 
own husbands in everything."

1 Timothy 2:11,12 "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." This isn't concerning marriage so I didn't include it in the the twelve but it does explain the authority men have over women in church, thus supporting the teaching that women are NOT to usurp authority over their husbands.

1 Peter 3:1 "Likewise, ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands...."

I Peter 3:5 "...the holy women also, who trusted in God,
 adorned themselves being in subjection to their own husbands."

I Peter 3:6 "...Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord: 
whose daughters ye are..."

Titus 2:5 "Teach young women to...be obedient to their own husbands."

Colossians 3:18 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, 
as it is fit in the Lord."

Are you convinced yet? I asked a couple of my friends this question, "What makes a woman's heart soft to the subject of submission? How come there are some of us who deeply desire to be submissive, yet SO many who do not? I'm talking about Christian women."

Amanda, Cabinetman's wife, responded,  "Here are my thoughts on it, based upon my own spiritual journey. I did not want to submit until I truly began studying theology and creation. My journey just began with the intent to firmly teach my children creation. Little did I know, as I began to truly understand God's character and process in ordaining creation, there was no way I could truly worship and honor my Creator and God and forsake the authority he ordained. 

"I further studied God's character, justice, righteousness and holiness and found no other way to serve him but to submit myself to Him and my husband. In honoring my husband, I am honoring God, and I am honoring what He ordained. After truly understanding how wretched of a sinner I am  and how gracious God is, I simply can't forsake His commands to be submissive to my husband. I thusly think it's two fold: realizing how horribly sinful we are (as opposed to the current culture view that were generally good) and realize how good and righteous God is."

TheJoyFilledWife responded, "Truly, I think it is depends on what her walk with God is like. It's like Martha and Mary...Martha was upset that Jesus didn't tell Mary to go help her in the kitchen. She had something she wanted done and represented with a certain standard (perhaps perfectionism? Maybe she wanted to impress Jesus with her service and work ethic? She seemed to be more focused on works than faith) and Mary didn't comply so she complained to Jesus about it. She didn't bother to see Jesus' pleasure with Mary's behavior because she was too caught up in having things done her way. Mary, on the other hand, adored Jesus. She was willing to give up the most costly possession she had to display her love and dedication for Him. She humbled herself and did so without hesitation, even though she had to sense or know at some point that Martha would not be pleased with her. Mary's heart was to worship. She was indebted to Christ and she loved and served Him with passion. Martha, on the other hand, at least in this instance, seemed to be more concerned with what Jesus could do FOR her than what He was trying to do IN her. 

"If I'm completely honest, when occasions arise in which I am disrespectful toward my husband, I don't usually get very far before I just break down and weep in private. I feel the guilt of my sinful behavior and how I am not displaying love for Christ or representing Him well and it breaks my heart to pieces. Sometimes I have moments where I feel so distraught over my sin that Jesus speaks lovingly to my heart and reminds me that He has forgiven me and that I have the power to make a change immediately. Do you know that, except for the fact that I feel sad about how I may have made my husband feel and how I want to be a blessing to him, the thing that brings about the desire to submit to my husband is not my husband's behavior, but the reminder of the fact that Jesus' blood was spilled on that cross so that my sins -- and lack of submission -- could be atoned. That is such a big deal to me that my eyes fill with tears even as I type this. 

"I believe that Christians will come to a place of desiring to obey God's command and change their secular ways once the Cross becomes a bigger deal to them. I see so many Christians justify their worldly behavior as the manifestation of 'freedom in Christ' and all that signifies to me is lack of truly understanding the sacrifice that was made that day on Calvary. Once the sinless blood that was spilled for our wretched sinful souls truly gets to the heart of a person, they will never be the same again."

Comments (48)

Loading... Logging you in...
  • Logged in as
2,000 years ago that was a giant step forward. Wives were property of their husbands, were in arranged marriages, had no education or opportunities, and the giant step was the instruction to husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. And none of the scriptures you use quote Jesus. Jesus angered religious leaders because he broke their law...plucking grain, healing, telling the healed man to carry his bed on the Sabbath. Jesus reduced the law to two rules...Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and your neighbor as yourself. Loving involves caring for and respecting your spouse,,and to me that's what it is all about.
4 replies · active 247 weeks ago
I think the reason women are repulsed by submission is because in our culture it has the connotation of "I win and you lose". Women get focused on that, and the true meaning of submission gets lost. We live in a culture that places a lot of value on feelings and constantly tells women how they should feel (talk about "I win and you lose!!), and if we don't feel happy, something (or someone) is wrong. Isn't it ironic that women submit without even thinking to the culture, i.e., you NEED a career, you NEED more money, you NEED this product to make you look beautiful. We'd all do well to be repulsed by how quickly we submit to that instead of being repulsed by submitting to our husbands.
4 replies · active 380 weeks ago
I've been reading your blog posts now for a couple of months and can not tell you how much God has used them in my life for good! It all started with the beginning of Eph 5:24 that you show above with the ". . . " It says, "NOW AS THE CHURCH SUBMITS TO CHRIST, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." It was like God said, "yes, your relationship with your husband is a reflection of the church's relationship with Christ." I about died! Oh my gosh, really?!! When I'm arguing with my husband on a certain point that I just need to be submissive on, it's like the church arguing with Christ? Oh dear, forgive me Lord! Then just this week I learned the most awesome truth: that word "help" from Genesis 2:18 is the same word used of God a bunch of times, including Psalm 33:20, 70:5, and 115:9. It isn't meant as a demeaning, second-class citizen word at all! After all, when I cry out to God for help, I'm not thinking of Him as a god beneath me or second-class citizen. When I cry out to God to help me it is for His strength and support! That is what we are to our husband's: strength and support. We are supposed to make them stronger and feel supported. No second-class citizen here!
1 reply · active 533 weeks ago
I am *so* thankful that all those years Robert stood his ground and didn't let me railroad him. Had he not done that, I don't think I would have come to my breaking point. Had he not stood his ground, the depths of my sin would not have been exposed. What I learned about God's plan is what brought joy to me in being submissive, and the zeal for sharing the message. If he had let me have my way, I'm pretty sure I would have abandoned my Bible and Christ. I was almost there. I was so tired and frustrated from the watered-down-Jesus-is-my-friend-but-powerless teaching of the church. I was seriously ready to walk away. Praise God, my husband didn't make it easy.

What I hadn't said in that quote is that this process is what brought JOYFUL submission. I had already conceded to doing it God's way, but I still wasn't going to like it.
1 reply · active 533 weeks ago
I believe there is very little fear of God among Christians today, particularly in the affluent Western culture. Without the fear of God there is little motivation to actually serve and obey Him. Also I believe that being “submissive” is a subjective characteristic. What may be perfectly fine in one’s own marriage may be unacceptable in another’s. We may be tempted to create a measuring stick whereby we judge other’s virtue, but truly that is self-righteousness in the guise of helpfulness and creates unnecessary burdens. The only measure that matters belongs to God and even the most “submissive” amongst us is wholly inadequate to meet His standards. Therefore our only hope lies in Christ Jesus who lived and died that we may be redeemed. True submission relies on a contrite heart and God, and only God, can know what is truly in one’s heart. If first we fear, love and trust God above all things, then a spirit of submissiveness will follow.
1 reply · active 533 weeks ago
What I find interesting in some of the comments and in a wife's thinking is that submission should be defined by what she thinks it looks like in the relationship. That because every marriage relationship is different the application of submission is different. To the large degree I would agree with this concept with one big caveat, and that is to recognize who is to define what submission looks like in a marriage.

First, it is God's Word that defines it. The verses above show a clear definition of submission which includes "submission in everything to a husband." The rest of the Bible will further qualify this as not meaning complete obedience if such submission leads to a wife herself sinning or participating in a husband's sin, or if it will bring harm to her or others if she submits. But the definition of submission is to follow a husband's clear desires and requests.

This leads to the second layer of true submission and that is that a wife should not take it upon herself to decide if she is being submissive, but should ask her husband. I think far too many Christian wives are convinced they are submissive but never really probe with their husbands if he feels the same. I can think I am a millionaire all my life, but if I only have a few dollars in the bank, reality dictates that I am no rich man at all, just deceived by my own thinking. So it is vital that a wife who truly desires to be submissive checks in from time to time with her husband to see how she is doing, but of course only if she wants to know, and to journey further into what God is calling her to in the marriage.

Lastly, I cannot emphasize enough that submission is not blind obedience, but it does require trust in the one God calls "the head of the wife." Submission is not a journey into "the Fifty Shades of Gray" or some other far fetched demands of a husband. If at any time a wife feels that a husband's leadership is overly demanding, overly controlling, unloving, unkind, then she should go talk to an older godly woman and discover if indeed her husband needs coaching on his leadership style and demands, or if she is simply unwilling to consistently be submissive so the demands seemingly pile up.

If wifely submission is new to Christian wife, it certainly is new to a Christian husband to lead "as Christ loves the church." A wife after checking her own heart and motives should feel free to discuss with her husband what submission and love should look like so that the two of them together can create what they believe is the most God honoring approach to a oneflesh biblical marriage. Including each other in the conversation and exploring together what God means by his many verses on a husband's leadership and wife's submission can indeed open up a marriage to new vistas of deeper intimacy and love. There is nothing more special in a marriage than the knowledge and trust that our husband/wife wants to please God, and in turn please us, and have a marriage that is a true example of what the church looks like. After all, the family is the unit and model of the church, so if we are to obey those who lead us, let's do that in every part of our lives.

I think the post missed this one: "Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls" (Heb. 13:17).
3 replies · active 533 weeks ago
Jesus revealed to us, fully, what we were created to be........people who love God and love each other. The ones who were the most upset with His life and message were the people of power, who were the religious and political people of that time. They were so threatened by Him that they had to execute Him. Jesus revealed a love for God's good creation, and all His people, that is still difficult for us to incorporate into our lives. People of power do not put people first. As the Bible pointed out, it is the LOVE of money(and power, I believe) that is the root of all evil. And that is related to a lack of trust in God, in my understanding. I know, and agree with, the scriptures you quoted.
1 reply · active 533 weeks ago
I went on a submission journey last year, and learned that submission to my husband is only possible if I submit to God first, and then trust him to lead me through my imperfect husband, as in 1Peter 3:5. The Peaceful Wife blog has been a tremendous help. I have learned that even if my husband makes a "mistake", that is all part of God's plan for teaching us something. Romans 8:28. There is nothing that can happen that is outside of God's will, so I have nothing to fear. I can confidently trust God and submit to my husband, even if I disagree with him. And, ironically, most of the time when we do things my husband's way, he turns out to be right. When he says "don't worry, it'll be fine", it usually is fine. The times I disobeyed him and did it my own way, it turned out wrong. God has completely transformed my marriage after I submitted to my husband. We do not fight anymore, and my kids obey and respect me and my husband. There is peace and order in our house. Last night my daughter happily picked up a new toy and had just started playing with it when my husband said "put it down because we are going home now". Without a word, she immediately put it down. She was not always that way. I am certain that this was a result of her watching me obey him. God's ways are the best. When we submit to our husbands, God will bless us our families richly.
1 reply · active 533 weeks ago
Well, for me, not being raised in a Christian home - I honestly had no idea what that looked like until I began to watch Christian Woman at church. I learned from them and of course from God's word. My mom basically had to manipulate to survive and I thought that was normal for a long time. I began to realize the little ways I was manipulating my husband. It wasn't right. Thankful for the examples I had who taught me!
1 reply · active 380 weeks ago
HeatherRoses's avatar

HeatherRoses · 533 weeks ago

I wrote a long comment and then it didn't post since it was too long. I talked it over with my husband and a wonderful conversation followed. I was going to tell you all about my recent lessons in submission and a breakthrough that happened on Saturday morning. The bottom line is that I had been deceiving myself and making excuses for my manipulative ways. Some months back, God revealed to me how fear causes physical pain and the fear of pain was what got me studying how faith allows us to experience the fruit of the spirit and that a merry heart doeth good like a medicine. I also found that I could take a step back and chose to act in faith not react in fear or anger to everything going on around me and in me. By having faith in God, my fears were melting away and I felt a new courage to try obeying my husband's wishes, not just what he told me to do and to not make a big deal of it. I was trusting God in a new way and the results of obedience were eye opening. My husband loved the new calmness he saw in me and has this contagious excitement that now we can fulfill our life's purpose together since, for the first time in 20 years of marriage, we are together. Ken's comment above said a lot of what my husband was just saying. I know that when I wasn't submitting to my husband, he wouldn't demand it of me since he desired that I chose to be in agreement. My husband has so much more wisdom than I ever imagined! Praise God!
2 replies · active 533 weeks ago
I definitely find submission difficult. I just don't want to fully let go of control. Letting go and letting him have all of the control really scares me. He makes all of the money and I have about $8K in an account from my little side business. He wants me to take $5K out and put in a retirement fund so that we'll save on our taxes. I want him to take the $5K out of our shared liquid savings which is over $200K. Why does he want to bother with my little account? For me to take the money from that account means draining over half of it. Anyways, it makes me mad. And he's mad that he has to pay all the bills when he knows I make a little bit of money. I DO pay lots of bills though. All of my personal expenses and lots of things for the family like a new livingroom chair, a new fridge, Christmas presents. Anyways.... I don't want to do what he wants. And yes I'm feeling grouchy and stubborn about it.
2 replies · active 380 weeks ago
A couple of times a day my husband will ask me to do something and more often than not I will get irritated. It bugs me that I will get upset about it, because it's not anything particularly difficult, just needs to stopping something else for long enough to fulfill his request. It's a struggle, but I'm praying about it.
1 reply · active 533 weeks ago
Im on a submission journey this year too. In my mothers case, my father would of arrogantly abused my mothers attempts at submitting to him. I know that as a child that if you tried to form a close father/daughter bond with him you felt like you were being smothered. And he repulsed me. So i guess thats one reason i struggle to submit. Im not close to my dad. I seem to have found a comfortable middle ground. But he has mental disorders. And his behaviour is becoming more irrational as he ages. Sometimes when my husband asks me to do something or rebukes me i can picture my father saying the same thing. And it freaks me out. Something ill be working on this year.
3 replies · active 533 weeks ago
Today's society and especially the media makes it easy for us to justify sin. We are too comfortable in our sinful behavior. I do understand a wife's reluctance to completely submit. There is too much wide spread abuse from husbands. But we have to trust what God has designed for us in marriage. We can use the excuse life isn't fair, or well i said that to you because you said that to me. Justifying our sins. Marriage is difficult, hard work. When was the last time you laughed with your spouse, or had a good cry.
It is so hard for us husbands to lead the way God has designed for us because we are absolutely trained by society and the media and yes even in church to be passive.
I pray every day that my wife believes in me and can continue to trust me to be in God's design for our marriage. We need to stop making excuses and jusitfying our sin!!!

I know i don't always make the best decisions and sometimes i can make a complete mess of things, but as i gain my wife's trust to lead she can let go of the worry "Is Rob making good decisions?"
There is no perfect marriage, but pray together, TRUST each other. Don't be afraid to let your husband lead, because, believe me, we husbands need your encouragement every day to help us become the leader God wants and that you respect.
Happy New Year everyone!
My daughter and her fiancee went to visit some of my female relatives, none are Christian and all are strong feminists. He gets back to our house and said, "I can see why so and so never married, she is so commanding." All the micro managing and completely unsubmissive behavior my female exihibits seems to just selfishness. They have totally submitted to what the "culture" says they be and do.
I know what the Bible teaches on wifely submission, but what if the husband is a believer but never is in the Word? His walk with The Lord has never grown. His mistress is hours of TV and he is addicted to his pain meds for chronic back pain. I know these are problems that are bigger than this blog, but I do struggle with letting him lead because I am definitely the more spiritual and I'm afraid (yes I know it is fear that is driving my response) where he might lead me. Does God have an avenue to a man such as this? Can my husband discern The Lord's guidance in our marriage? I wrestle with this constantly.
5 replies · active 43 weeks ago
HeatherRoses's avatar

HeatherRoses · 533 weeks ago

There are many examples in my life of where I was upset with my husband that God has shown me aren't what I had deceived myself into thinking they were. Here is one simplified example: My husband wants me to exercise more, because it is good for me and he like the fit look (strong, not skinny). He really enjoys/needs to exercise. I have less of a need and don't enjoy it as much and have other judgments about how if we just lived a more physical country, less sedentary city lifestyle, I would be more active and not need to do something as artificial as "exercise". I just ignored him. Well, by not honoring my husband's wishes for 20 years, he gave up and now doesn't "care" as much about me and my physical health, appearance, etc. Can I blame him when I trained him? He doesn't trust me to honor him since I haven't. It would be great if he "loved me first", but maybe he did many years ago before I rejected him in so many ways. Should I not honor his wishes because he doesn't do the things that I think are important? Is my disobedience ever justified before God because my husband wasn't strong enough to be perfect when I was rebellious for so many years? I am starting to honor my husband's wishes about exercising and pray that he will respond well, but I'm not doing it for my physical health, as much as for our spiritual health and enjoying the paradox.
1 reply · active 533 weeks ago

Post a new comment

Comments by