Thursday, January 22, 2015

Teaching Children Joyful Obedience


We had thejoyfilledwife and her family over during the holidays so our families could meet each other. When they left, several of my children commented on how well-behaved her children were. When her husband asked anything of them, they would cheerfully respond, "Yes, Dad!" and do whatever was asked of them immediately. I asked her to write a post about how they accomplished this joyful obedience in their children ~

As I am out running errands, playing at the park with our children, or just enjoying a nice meal out with the family, I am always struck by the interaction {or lack thereof} between  parents and children surrounding us. It’s not uncommon to hear disrespectful exchanges, sassy responses, and downright rebellion whenever a parent gives a directive to their child. Regardless of how frequently we see this behavior, it still catches us off guard and upsets our spirit. This is not the way things should be! Delayed obedience is still disobedience and a lackluster, half hearted apology is no apology at all. It seems that parents are more concerned with their child’s behavior than the state of their heart, and that they are so relieved to just hear the word “sorry” that they fail to acknowledge the lack of true repentance behind it.

My husband and I believe that the Lord is less concerned with our behavior than He is our heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 tells us, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” We believe this verse reveals that looks can be deceiving. Things may SEEM right outwardly, but a closer look will often tell a different story. Jeremiah 17:10 says that the Lord searches the heart and examines the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve. This brings up a very important point to note: Our heart and our thoughts almost always lead to actions {deeds}. Therefore, if we can deal with the sin in our children’s hearts first, instead of just responding to their actions, you will find that a pure heart will change behavior.

In our home, we teach our children to obey joyfully, whether we are giving them a directive or just letting them know that we are all done playing and the toys need to be put away. We don’t accept half hearted apologies or the right words spoken in the wrong spirit because that shows us that there is sin and rebellion in their heart. True, we call our children to obey out of obedience to Christ even when they don’t feel like it, but we work diligently on addressing their heart while we call them to that obedience. 90% of the time, our children end up coming to a place of true repentance and joyful obedience when we address things this way. Our children are so used to us dealing with the heart right away that all we usually have to do when we see poor behavior now is ask, “Do you have sin in your heart?” and they immediately admit, “Yes, I do.” Then we help them work through it on the spot. Sometimes they don’t even need our help and correct their own spirit. That is always precious to see because that humble discipline will serve them well as they get older and eventually are no longer under our care and direction.

We’ve taught our children from toddlerhood to respond to us with “Yes, Mom” or “Yes, Dad” in a joyful tone. If there is mumbling, rolling of the eyes, poor posture {representing an unwilling and lazy spirit}, or another visible heart issue in their response, we address it right then and there. Some people may be concerned that doing so would just teach our children how to “fake” the right response, but we have not seen this to be the case. We know our children well and the Holy Spirit gives us wisdom to see the true state of their hearts in these instances. We have also found that using Scripture to address a sinful heart makes a HUGE difference! We don’t just sit there lecturing them, but ask them what Scripture says about their heart and behavior. Here is a real-life example ~

SCENE: Our child is not obeying the first time we ask them to do something and is now beginning to argue with us. We want to teach them to identify their sin and how to handle it in a Biblical way by the following type of conversation/discipline ~

Parent: “Honey, do you think you are acting with a right heart?”
Child: “No.”
Parent: “And what are you doing that’s wrong?”
Child: “I’m arguing with you.”
Parent: “What does the Word of God say about arguing?”
Child: “Do everything without complaining or arguing.” {Philippians 2:14}
Parent: “Why?”
Child: “So that I may become a blameless and pure child of God.” {Philippians 2:15a}
Parent: “That’s right, honey. After you receive your discipline, what do you think you should do to deal with the sin in your heart and make things right?”
Child: “I should apologize to you and to the Lord. Then I should do what you asked me to right away with a happy heart!” {We usually see a heart that has become sincerely joyful and obedient at this point, provided we haven’t dealt with them harshly or in a non Christ-like manner.}

END SCENE: The child is disciplined further, if needed, or this verbal correction may be adequate {depending on the state of their heart and how great the offense}. After they ask for forgiveness to whomever they have sinned against, they ask the Lord’s forgiveness and for His help to develop a heart of obedience. This is one of our most cherished times as parents because we get to catch a glimpse of our child’s heart being reconciled.

***The picture is Cassi and Steven when they were young. Thejoyfilledwife wishes to remain anonymous. My children were very cheerful and obeyed us quickly.

Comments (10)

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Obedience - all the way, right away and with a happy heart.
My daughter and her husband train their children this way. Her husband was raised this way and his 8 siblings. It takes a huge amount of consistent, self-sacrifice; but so worth it. The children are a joy to be around. We can be careless and lazy and not want to deal with the kids, but it is sooooo important. Enjoyed this article.
thank you
1 reply · active 531 weeks ago
Becky, you are so right! Bringing children up in the Lord takes all of those things and requires that we be diligent and focused. You can see how important it is for Mama to be able to stay home and minister to the precious hearts of her children.
Great post!!! I am guilty of letting things slide as I have a 6 year old with some sensory processing issues. My daughter is now starting to complain ~ which I am trying to resolve. I quote scripture and always tell her that God does not want us to complain ~ especially about things we have to do every single day. Any advice? Thanks, Lori
3 replies · active 531 weeks ago
Karen,

Some children go through phases of complaining and whining. I most often see it as children are transitioning from one age category to another. So, probably every few years I think it seems to be more prominent. Of course, regardless of their age or stage, we want to make sure it doesn't turn into a lifelong habit. Complaining is contagious! I think it's so important to model a thankful spirit to our children constantly, or else we may be reinforcing the behavior without realizing it.

One thing I have found to be most helpful in teaching life lessons is to present it through music. I think most human beings learn much easier if the lesson is taught through song. For children, one of my favorite albums to teach Scripture and principles that apply to their life is Steve Green's "Hide 'Em In Your Heart". I think he has at least two albums and we have and love them both. They have been priceless to us in helping our children learn the Word of God and how to respond to the temptations they face in childhood. I highly recommend you get it and play it at home and/or in the car every day. I have even memorized a lot more Scripture this way!

PS- They have a great song about complaining. :)
Oops. Sorry, Karen. I somehow missed the end of your comment where you were addressing Lori specifically.
Yikes! How did I miss that you were speaking and not Lori??? Thank you for your reply. I haven't listened to Steve Green in ages. I will check out that album. Thanks again!
Dear JFW

thank you so much for this post, I enjoyed reading it!. I can see it takes commitment and time to see this through but the benefits last forever!.
Blessings
Helen UK
1 reply · active 531 weeks ago
Thank you, Helen. You are absolutely right that the benefits last forever!
This is excellent child training advice!

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