Sunday, January 25, 2015

Dancing in Their Apartment!


This picture is Ryan and Cassi dancing at their wedding reception. They were SO happy and excited to be married! They've been married one year today. They live in an apartment now. When they were here for Christmas, I asked them if their apartment building is noisy and they said no, except maybe them. They sing and dance often together! What they began on their wedding day, they continue to this day.

They were here for two weeks over Christmas. They are fun to watch. Cassi teaches me how to be a better wife. She is always loving and kind to Ryan. They always call each other "Babe" and whenever he's hungry, she fixes him good food. She never nags him or tries to control him. She listens when he speaks and they both try to make each other happy. He compliments her often. {We reap what we sow.} They love doing everything together: sleeping, eating, shopping, playing beach volleyball and basketball, going on runs or walks, watching television, etc. I played a Christmas song I wanted them to listen to and Ryan immediately got up and pulled Cassi up to dance with him!

I love watching happily married couples and how they react to each other. 
Compare their marriage to this one ~

The line was long. It's not abnormal for a few days before Christmas, but isn't the line always long at the Post Office? I was watching a woman with a baby strapped to her chest and holding the hand of her young daughter. She was busy doing something at the desk. Her husband finally came in, began helping with the children and spoke to her. She looked at him angrily and told him to shut up. Then she went on and on with him about something, scolding him as if he were a child. I saw her husband's shoulders droop and an expression of exasperation on his face. {Many people witnessed this interaction.}

I SO badly wanted to go up to her and tell her to stop treating her husband with contempt. She looks like she is on the way to destroying her marriage. I didn't feel comfortable doing that so I just prayed for them.

Unfortunately, this is not a rare occurrence. Oh, how I wish I could teach all women to stop scolding their husbands, telling them to shut up and embarrassing them in public or in private. It reminds me of this verse, An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, But she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones {Proverbs 12:4}. Way too many women are rottenness to their husband's bones, like the woman in the post office.

How can a wife be a crown to her husband? Listen respectfully when he speaks and NEVER treat him with contempt. Speak in a gentle voice to him; never being harsh. If he says something that offends you, learn to hold your tongue and not say something in haste that you will regret. Consider your words carefully before speaking. Use words that encourage and build him up and never tear him down. He is torn down enough by the world around him. He doesn't need to be torn down by his wife.

Cassi is a crown to Ryan. The woman in the post office was rottenness to her husband's bones. What kind of a wife are you?

Happy Anniversary, Ryan and Cassi!
We love you!

Comments (18)

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Lori

Gosh!, a year already, time has really flown by!. What a lovely post and many congratulations on their first wedding anniversary.
God bless and keep them always

Blessings to you all
Helen UK
1 reply · active 531 weeks ago
Somehow the wife scolding/talking down to the husband is the "scene" I have seen more common in public than a husband doing the like to the wife. Although a few months ago I was in Target, and I could not tell what the husband had just said to the wife, but he must have said something to her, as she snapped back in a very audible tone, "Don't you disrespect/talk to me like that in front of other people." Her voice was very grave, and the husband just slinked off ahead with the cart. It made me wonder...what if you were married to a man who disrespected you in public? Of course I believe in Biblical submission and am not suggesting any counter. I know I am easily embarrassed anyway, and what if your husband went out of his way to embarrass you? How would you show grace in that instance especially before an unassuming audience? This is just one of those conversations I've had in my head since then.
2 replies · active 531 weeks ago
If a husband disrepects his wife in public, she should pray about it and then speak to him about it in a gentle and humble way. Then she must allow the Lord to convict and change him by going about winning her husband without a word as the Lord commands. She must remind herself that love does not get easily offended, forgives easily and doesn't retaliate. We overcome with evil with good and returning anger with anger just fuels a fire.
Neither a husband or a wife should ever demean or embarrass their spouse in public (or private). If my husband ever shouted or embarrassed me in public, I would not argue back, I would simply walk away and leave. For instance, if we were in line, I'd walk out and go sit in the car, leaving him standing alone. That would speak volumes without making more of a scene. And, if I were the one making a scene, I'd expect him to do the same. We don't practice submission in our marriage, BUT we do practice mutual honor, respect, and love.
I think is happening way more we woul like to admit. Even in Christian marriages. Depending on the situation and where you are if its possible, i would say disengage and walk away. Not because i am a husband but in my experiences, i am finding it way more common for wives to be doing this towards their husbands in public. I wonder what exactly was said by that husband to his wife to make her say that. I wonder if it was really disrespectful or was it just that maybe she wasn't able to get her own way.

Have you ever heard a man say when asked a question, "i'm not sure let me check with my ole lady" meaning the wife. To me that is disrespecting your wife by demeaning her. I think we all, husbands and wives, throw around the words, don't disrespect me because we like having our own way. No one, husband or wife, should disrespect or chastise or demean the other because then we are not showing love to them.
The post office situation, the woot woot lady (which sorry i can't believe happened) is more common than we realize. This is why we need to be closer and closer to the Word of God everyday
1 reply · active 531 weeks ago
Regardless of what he said to her, Rob, she certainly had no right to scold him in public and tell him to shut up. He looked very defeated. You are correct that neither husband nor wife should disrespect the other but I do teach women, as you know. Here is the link to the "woot woot" woman for those who don't know what you are talking about ~
http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2014/12/baby-ne...
Absolutely Lori that is what i meant that she should behave like that regardless of circumstance. You nailed it exactly, because when that happens to me whether its in the home or in public, i feel defeated and discouraged and honestly my hearts hurts a little.
For Ryan and Cassie it is amazing because they start their marriage deeply rooted in Christ. So from their beginning they have an opportunity to start from a good foundation. We married 9 years before becoming baptized and believers, so we have some catching up to do!! Lol. That is why to me that this blog helps me as a husband because i have only been a Christian for almost 6 years. And i am learning everyday!!!
I am always learning!! Lol
It sounds to me like the husband handled it just right. He didn't try to retaliate, or argue back. He just silently left his wife's poor attitude up to God. Perhaps he prayed about it. Good for him! Hopefully, if he waits patiently, his wife will correct her error and stop destroying her marriage.
1 reply · active 531 weeks ago
Hopefully, but a lot of men are afraid of their wives and walk on eggshells trying to please them. I have no idea if they were believers, but even if they were, way too many Christian wives don't truly understand submission, winning without a word and striving to be a godly help meet to their husbands.
My husband said something pretty mean to me the other day in the grocery store. We were in line to checkout and he got mad. The people around us gave him a dirty look but I just decided to look down. I am learning Lori thanks to this blog. Of course I didn't dare bring it up later. He doesn't like it when I do so I just pray about it.
1 reply · active 531 weeks ago
If he doesn't like it when you do, it sounds like you have shared with him your thoughts about it, Krista. The Bible tells us, "a soft answer turns away wrath." Fighting back accomplishes nothing beneficial so you did the right thing. We must always remember how Jesus would act in difficult situations since He is our example.
I honestly can't imagine a husband OR a wife treating one another that way. It makes me sad that anyone is in a marriage where they could feel anything less than perfectly loved.

Congrats to Ryan and Cassi on one wonderful year of marriage, here is to many more to come! I'm so glad to hear they are doing well and loving marriage. That is exactly how it should be.
I have it done to me by my husband and it isn't nice at all and rather embarrassing. And I find there is no point bringing it up once home as it doesn't stop it happening again. I just let it drop and keep quiet. Neither the husband or wife should do it, its unpleasant and unkind. And if it is done in public what is said in private?
Jo and Krista,
Let me suggest another approach with your husbands. Often the use of scolding is a bad habit learned from a parent, and the one who does it really would prefer to stop doing it, but feels they have no self-control in that area. Which we all know they certainly do have the control if they wished to have it.

Try in a more fun and uplifting moment with your husband ask them if they see how much it hurts you when you are scolded, publicly or privately. Ask them if they would be willing to work on it for you by doing one of two things. If you do something that sets them off, catch themselves before scolding and just say to you "you owe me a 10 minute back rub." You would much rather turn the scolding into something productive if he needs a way to punish you, instead of punishing you with his voice and tone and in public.

If he buys into the new approach, then say with a smile, "So if you scold me, can I ask for a ten minute back rub?"

This conversant if it can happen does a world of good for many reasons:
1) It establishes that scolding is bad behavior that he wants to stop.
2) He understands that it hurts you when he does it, so next time he does it he will think about the conversation.
3) He essentially agrees that it needs to change if he agrees to this new approach.
4) It gives him what he thinks is a necessary avenue to take out his frustrations on you just with demanding the back rub.
5) It gives you a chance to apologize and joyfully give the back rub.
6) It gives you a communications tool in return that when he scolds you you an smile back at him and say, "That will be a 20 minute back rub!"

Just some thoughts to try to move the two of you over this hump. I was a scolder and developed something similar with Lori to help keep my focus on my values and commitments instead of the knee jerk desire to punish with my voice and tone. It took a while to get rid of it, but keeping the communications open in this way is helpful.
Understanding one should not do what the lady in the PO did, and not doing it myself is hard at times. I love my husband dearly, but he frustrates the living daylights out of me. We have been married nearly seven years...second marriage for both. We have been belittled by his friends and family...all because he did not get their 'permission' to marry...we were both 46. No one had a problem with us dating, it was when we announced our engagement that the problems started...clearly a red flag I ignored.

My husband has what the VA is calling, chronic PTSD. He has had it since the first Gulf War, but we only learned of it two months after we married. Of course, his family does not help matters...and yes, you can read bitterness in there. Honestly, I hate his family. They have made our life more miserable. I am trying real hard not to walk out on my husband as I do love him. Even with counseling he just is not getting how his teasing/joking/insults are affecting me and our marriage. He comes from a family of 'practical jokers'. He was raised in The Church of Christ, my family and I were not, so often I hear what I call his 'religious lectures' that I do not understand certain things because I did not attend his church before marriage. I too was raised in church, just not 'his' church, but that sadly does not seem to matter. After attending his church for over three years, I never want to go back. Of course, that is going to hurt his chances of getting a preaching job which is what he wants. As his wife I do not believe that would be good for the church.

I am at the point...well, have been for probably two years, like the lady in the PO. So overwhelmed, frustrated, stressed beyond what I never thought possible. Yelling...though I know it gets me nowhere, at times seems to be the only way to get him to realize I am fed up. There are many times when folks walk up to him and thank him for his service...he wears his retired Navy cap alot...that at times I just want to roll my eyes and tell them, 'sure, live with the guy". I come from a larger military family then he...was a Navy brat myself and do appreciate the sacrifices he made but my family never made such a big deal about it...it was simply the job they chose. My husband can not get enough of the attention given today.

Before we married he stated he wanted to go back to school. It was like pulling teeth at times, but I got him to leave his going nowhere job and enroll in college. He is about to complete his second degree, but instead of being happy for that he and his family just go on and on about the money he gets from the VA for going. Makes me sick and jealous because I will have to pay for mine if I decide to finish, as is my son and his daughters. Reminding him that it is not about the money but the education sadly falls on deaf ears.

I guess my excuse is that there are usually two sides to a story. Maybe that lady in PO carries most of the responsibilities in the family as I do and praying for them was probably the best thing. And then again, maybe I just have too much bitterness myself after nearly seven years and should just go ahead and leave. Maybe we both would be better off.
1 reply · active 530 weeks ago
No, Jilly, you may be better off but it is not the right thing to do if you want to do things God's ways. Yes, you are in a difficult situation but your attitude just makes it much worse. We are only hearing one side of your story so I will only give you advice. How do you treat your husband? Do you treat him with respect like the Lord has commanded that you do? Do you submit to and obey him without quarreling and arguing with him? Do you allow him to lead and make the decisions? Do you practice "a soft answer turns away wrath?" There must have been things about your husband that drew you to him. What are they? Can you begin dwelling on them instead of his faults? I think you need to go to church with him and allow him to decide which church to go to since God has ordained him as the leader of the home. God even commands that you love and obey your husband {Titus 2:3-5} so you will not blaspheme the Word of God. I highly encourage you to find a godly, older woman that can mentor you and walk this difficult road with you. We all need strength for this journey. God will bless you and give you strength, Jilly, to do things His way! Blessings to you, dear sister, and hold your head up high and think on the lovely and the pure. For this pleases the Lord.
It amazes me how some people speak to their spouses, even more so how they speak about them to other people. There are things my husband does that annoy me slightly, but when I think of some family friends and how they treat their wives and children, I know I have the best. The annoyances become things we joke about with each other saying "What am I going to do with you" or "For better or worse, you've signed the contract so there's no turning back". This woman may have been stressed out by something else but that's no reason to treat her husband that way.

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