Dear Anna,
Truthfully, I debated whether or not I should even write this letter. I can't even begin to comprehend the pain you must be going through. I grieve with you along with many in the body of Christ. I've been mentoring women for ten years so I am simply going to encourage you with counsel from our Creator. I try to use biblical wisdom since it is our only source of Truth.
In 1 Peter 2, we are told of the sufferings of Christ and we all know how horrible they were; none of us can imagine the pain and suffering He endured especially since all the sins of the whole world that have ever or will be committed {adulterers, addictions to pornography, homosexuality, liars, fornicators, gossips, etc.} were laid upon Him in our place for all who call upon His name. "He himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls" (1 Peter 2:24, 25).
The next chapter begins with the word "Likewise..." and it addresses wives. Just as Jesus suffered, wives may suffer under a disobedient husband. Your husband has been terribly disobedient and you have suffered greatly. Jesus understands your pain. He has been there. He is with you now for He promises that He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.
This chapter goes on to explain to wives who are married to disobedient husbands that they MAY win them without a word by their chaste behavior. From what I have watched of you {this is simply going to my observations of the small glimpses I've seen of you on television}, you appear to be a godly woman with a meek and quiet spirit who loves her husband. If you are, I will encourage you to continue on trying to win him without a word by your godly behavior since no man's methods can improve upon the Lord's. However, it is NOT your responsibility to make Joshua into a godly man as I wrote extensively in my post about wives NOT bearing the responsibility for their husband's godly behavior. We are ALL given a free will to choose to walk in the Spirit or to walk in the flesh and your husband chose to walk in the flesh. This chapter in I Peter goes on to encourage women to continue to be in subjection to their husbands without ANY fear in verse 6; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
A good friend of mine whose husband was deeply addicted to porn told me she believed the lie that her husband looked elsewhere because she wasn't good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough or because her body is not what it used to be before she bore children. Most women are highly insecure about their appearance and a feeling of inadequacy is almost always their first line of defense. Your husband did NOT fall so deeply into sin because of you but because He allowed the enemy a foothold in his life long before you were married.
I was encouraged yesterday to hear a report that you would not seek divorce. I have never encouraged a woman to get divorced and I never will since marriage is a model of Christ and the church and He will never divorce us. He continues to be faithful, even when we are not. Please, don't hold onto bitterness but forgive as the Lord has so graciously forgiven us. It may take a lot of time and prayer but with Christ ALL things are possible. This will be a huge witness to a watching world of God's patience and love for His children the church. You are showing Christ's love and forgiveness to a wretched sinner as we all once were before being washed in His blood and made new creatures in Him. He now even calls us saints!
A good friend of mine whose husband was deeply addicted to porn told me she believed the lie that her husband looked elsewhere because she wasn't good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough or because her body is not what it used to be before she bore children. Most women are highly insecure about their appearance and a feeling of inadequacy is almost always their first line of defense. Your husband did NOT fall so deeply into sin because of you but because He allowed the enemy a foothold in his life long before you were married.
I was encouraged yesterday to hear a report that you would not seek divorce. I have never encouraged a woman to get divorced and I never will since marriage is a model of Christ and the church and He will never divorce us. He continues to be faithful, even when we are not. Please, don't hold onto bitterness but forgive as the Lord has so graciously forgiven us. It may take a lot of time and prayer but with Christ ALL things are possible. This will be a huge witness to a watching world of God's patience and love for His children the church. You are showing Christ's love and forgiveness to a wretched sinner as we all once were before being washed in His blood and made new creatures in Him. He now even calls us saints!
You are not alone, Anna. There are many men throughout the centuries who have fallen into sexual temptation and sin. This is definitely their battle but this doesn't give your husband an excuse for his sin. It is a good thing that this evil was exposed since sin grows in the darkness but we know that God disciplines those whom He loves. We will pray that this is God's discipline on your husband's life to turn it around and be sold out for Jesus.
There are many women who are praying for you and grieving for the pain you are in. We will continue to cover you, your children and the whole extended family in prayer for it hurts them all. Continue to rest in the Lord's loving arms and seek solace and guidance from Him and His Word. God heals the brokenhearted as well as the broken. He is a good and just God. You are a beautiful women and God will walk with you through every step of this journey. He most likely will be carrying you.
There are many women who are praying for you and grieving for the pain you are in. We will continue to cover you, your children and the whole extended family in prayer for it hurts them all. Continue to rest in the Lord's loving arms and seek solace and guidance from Him and His Word. God heals the brokenhearted as well as the broken. He is a good and just God. You are a beautiful women and God will walk with you through every step of this journey. He most likely will be carrying you.
In Christ's love,
Lori Alexander
Logging you in...
Bridget Williams · 501 weeks ago
Bridget
Lori Alexander 122p · 501 weeks ago
mvstephenson 44p · 501 weeks ago
Christine · 501 weeks ago
Kim · 501 weeks ago
Alisha Jackson · 501 weeks ago
Kelley · 501 weeks ago
However, the reference should read 1 Peter 2, etc., not 1.
rajuncajun · 501 weeks ago
Is it me or does society, even a majority of churches, treat the adulterer differently depending on if it is a male or female? Your letter to Anna is one of comfort, hope, reassurance, support, and encouragement. From my experience when the female is the adulterer it is the husband's fault, the husband gets scolded for not being the ideal husband, not meeting his wife's needs, the husband needs to change, learn the his wife's love languages, and become closer to God, and the adulterous wife is even shown support and comfort because everyone understands how tough her marriage was and how the husband led her to commit adultery.
The overall theme is man by nature = BAD, women by nature = GOOD. Anything bad women do is because of the man or some other outside force that absolves women from culpability.
Am I out of line with this observation? You and your husband seem to have a good pulse on this.
Lori Alexander 122p · 501 weeks ago
Man and woman are both by nature sinful. We ALL have fallen short of the glory of God and are in need of a Savior. However, if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us for our sin and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness.
If a woman came to me who was an adulterer, I would strongly rebuke her, tell her what she was doing was very wrong and the end result could end in destruction for her, her family and many who loved her. I would not listen to her excuses as to why since there is NO excuse for adultery. I would then pray she would go to her husband in repentance and that her marriage could one day be healed.
Melissa M. · 501 weeks ago
Lori, this is great writing for a variety of difficulties. Thanks again for your ministry.
Ken · 501 weeks ago
We had two exceptional young Christian men from our church marry what they thought were solid Christians only to have both wives within the first two years have affairs with a co-worker and tell their husbands goodbye. I think the story from both was that they just weren't ready for marriage, or some lame story. I can't imagine what these young men could have done much differently except be perfect husbands, but even then that does not satisfy a modern woman's seeming need for continual romance and excitement.
I do think it was far truer in the past that if a wife was seeking an affair a husband may have been not fulfilling his marital responsibilities in some ways. Perhaps taking his wife for granted, not creating romance, or giving her regular intimate moments. I was told by two pastors that I must not be loving my wife properly if she was being difficult. So yes, the church did think men were more culpable than a wife when it came to a rocky marriage and especially an affair by a wife.
In today's modern age of feminism, and ridiculous romances like 50 Shades, the church should know that wives are also susceptible to sexual sins and seeking it outside the marriage bed. Every case should stand on its own without prejudging who may be at fault or if a spouse could have done more or less. The bottom line remains that the one who has the affair must own their own sin. If Adam could not get away with blaming "that woman you gave me," then no one can blame another for their own sinful choices.
Temberton 56p · 501 weeks ago
Anon · 501 weeks ago
Ken · 501 weeks ago
We certainly as Believers should not be intending to be legalistic in any way, nor is our goal to be extreme, but if God says something in His Word we have no choice be to believe it and teach it. Is that not what it means to follow one's Lord and Master, and to do as He says.
I think it is important for those around us to understand that the firm convictions that we hold about what God's Word says is OUR convictions. They are not only welcome to develop their own convictions, but we would challenge them to do so. We want everyone thinking and concluding for their own lives as they will each one stand before the Lord some day and give an account for their faith, or lack thereof. No one can lead their lives for them, and a myriad of ideas exist, but we want our truths to be based solely on our best understanding of what we believe God is saying to us.
Truth exists and it is our job as individuals to find it. We should, on all non-essentials, leave much room for disagreement. We don’t have any issue with those who conclude that the Bible does not really teach wifely submission, or modesty, or moderation in drinking and eating, or spanking of children, the list goes on. Certainly we think them wrong and not good students of what the Bible teaches, but please allow us the same courtesy we allow you to hold your views and espouse them as we have to hold our views, (most of which have been long held by the church), and teach them. Don’t force a double standard where we are considered extreme and legalistic just because we disagree. Nothing is extreme if God is the one saying it as He is the one who writes mankind’s User’s Manual as the Creator God.
Anon · 501 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 501 weeks ago
Ken · 500 weeks ago
If what we believe, and the Bible teaches, is to make an impact on lives, it must eventually prove out in godly results. Lori and I are both so grateful that the Lord has convicted us to walk in all of his ways as best we can, because His blessings come to us day by day in so many ways. We are both so happy with each other and can see the growth that God has caused in each other by His work in our lives to help us be obedient to Him.
So I would not be overly concerned about your critics. We have been told that many of our close friends thought we were way too strong in our disciplining of our children and yet now they praise us having seen the fruit of our consistency lived out in the great blessings God has given us. So too, simply smile and laugh with them, saying that you appreciate their concern, but unless they can show you where the Bible says something different, you have no choice but to believe and follow. You do not want to be one of those that King Jesus speaks to some day and says, "Get away from me, I do not know you as you never did what I told you to do."
Ken · 501 weeks ago
Anna... please take some time to reflect on this before speaking anything publicly. It is a noble thing to defend your man when he is completely indefensible, but to support him does not require that you accept any blame for his sins. To say a wife is even partially responsible for any husband running to a website for an affair makes no sense, even if the wife refused sex, or was regularly pregnant. Self-control demands SELF-control, which by definition you are not responsible for in your spouse.
Susan · 501 weeks ago
Nahum 3:14 "Draw your water for the siege!"
Charles · 501 weeks ago
Suzanne · 501 weeks ago
jsr · 500 weeks ago
Ken, 1 Corinthians 7:5 in conjunction with Matthew 18:6 strongly indicate that a spouse can contribute to the sexual sin of the other spouse. Contributing to another's sin does not excuse the sexual sinner, but the one creating a stumbling block is not off the hook either.
Lori Alexander 122p · 500 weeks ago