In
Ephesians, Paul gives this command to husbands, “Husbands, love
your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for
it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the
word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no
spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and
blameless.” How are husbands supposed to do this?
I was recently listening to a song
called “Courageous” by Casting Crowns and
some of the lyrics go like this; “Lord, make us Courageous, this is our
resolution, our answer to the call. We will love our wives and children. We
refuse to let them fall.” The last line reminded me of the verses in
Ephesians directed to husbands to sanctify and cleanse their wives. I sure
don’t see many husbands doing this but I believe they have become intimidated
by their wives.
Husbands are the head of the wife
and leader of their homes. They are the ones who are going to have to stand in
front of God some day and give an answer to how they’ve led their homes. Did
they do everything they could to keep their wives and children from falling?
When their wives were disobedient to them and unsubmissive, did they rebuke and
exhort their wives to walk in obedience to the Lord?
Unfortunately, many pastors teach
that husbands must NEVER tell their wives that they are to be submissive to
them. This is the wives’ decision, not the husbands. I completely disagree with
this! If a husband sees a wife in sin, he must confront her in her sin and
exhort her to stop. In the same way, if a wife sees her husband in a sin, she
needs to respectfully confront her husband and then she is instructed to win
him without a word by her godly and chaste behavior; praying for the Lord to
convict and change her husband. However, I believe God has given husbands more
authority to rebuke their wives in their sin and remind them since they are the
God-ordained head over their wives and are to present their wives with no spot
or wrinkle but to be “holy and blameless.”
Wives, please allow your husbands the right to obey God in this area by listening to their rebukes and exhortations to you. They know you better than anyone else. They are one flesh with you and heirs together of the grace of God. Our greatest desire should be to walk blamelessly and be holy, fully pleasing to our Lord. Don’t get offended when your husband confronts you for a wise woman takes rebuke but listen carefully and allow the Holy Spirit to make you more like Jesus. Make your husband proud on the day that he meets his Maker!
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her.
Proverbs 31:28
Logging you in...
Chrissy · 495 weeks ago
Cori · 495 weeks ago
I fully agree that a woman should listen to all her husband has to say when he rebukes her but if she hasn't already chosen to submit its unlikely that she would listen to what he has to say no matter how right he is.
Lori Alexander 122p · 495 weeks ago
Ken · 495 weeks ago
Again, those actions are quite limited, and the ideal is that the husband, or employer, simply remind the person they lead to be a wiling follower, then depend on their good will to make the necessary changes. But if they don't change, I don't think that a husband should sit back silently and say nothing or do nothing, at least not until he has tried to move his wife forward where he is convinced she should be. After all, how can he help to sanctify her if he abdicates his leadership role?
It is an untruth too often repeated in the church that a husband should not ask his wife to be submissive. Lori and I both believed this to be true until I woke up one day and thought to myself, "Here I have a wife who is godly in almost all of her life except that she desires to control me. Why not remind her of her responsibility to God, and to her husband. to allow me to lead instead of my constant battles with her wanting to be right all the time?"
It was actually in my exasperation that one day on a walk I said to her, "You know God's Word asks you to be submissive to me?"
Her response was classic, "I know, but you can't me me!"
"I know," I said, "But you need to deal with the Lord on that now."
Sure enough within weeks of my asking her to consider her God given responsibilities, (and lots of help at the same time from Debbie Pearl), she started to become submissive, and now is quite submissive. The only reason I wanted her to start being submissive was to stop trying to control me and stop arguing with me so much. Little did I, and most of the church, realize that a godly woman will want to please her Lord and in turn her husband, but she may be challenged to do so.
The important thing for husbands to understand is that they are called to lead their wives (or be head of the relationship), whether their wives follow or not. If a husband is unwilling to ask for leadership he may never find that his wife will, in time, relinquish her own control to him and begin to live in a harmonious one flesh marriage according to God's design.
Rob · 495 weeks ago
So no a husband cannot force his wife to submit, but if she is living for Christ then its a willingness and should not have to forced, persuaded or manipulated. It's a love for Christ that should have us willfully obeying our commandments from God.
Too many times we make excuses for our disobedience and disobedence is a sin. Isn't it???
Guest · 495 weeks ago
I once heard it said in church that Sarah called Abraham "Lord" - but first of all, Abraham was worthy of Sarah calling him that. Today's wives need to treat their husbands the same - but first there needs to be the 'Abraham'. Does that make sense?
If the husband is doing everything right, his wife is going to be happy to submit to him.
Of course, wives are called to submit to their husbands anyway, even when they are not perfect, but I don't believe that any man should be trying to force his wife to submit. As long as he is doing his part as a husband, that is all that is required of him. If his wife refuses to submit in those circumstances, that will be on her, not him.
Lori Alexander 122p · 495 weeks ago
Guest · 495 weeks ago
Ken · 495 weeks ago
HappyHomemaker · 495 weeks ago
I also disagree that "if a husband is doing everything right, his wife is going to be happy to submit to him", from the women I personally know in my life that don't submit, this is so far from the truth. I know of several women that the husband does love them and provide for them and treats them really good, yet they would not submit to him for anything. I think this is just an excuse some women use so they don't have to submit (if my husband doesn't love me like Christ loves the Church, then I don't have to submit or obey him, but as a woman I feel like you are only responsible for your role and that is to submit to your husband in everything).
Guest · 495 weeks ago
If a husband is doing everything right and the wife still refuses to submit to him, then it is the wife with the issue, in my opinion, not the fault of the husband. I certainly wasn't meaning that women shouldn't submit unless our husbands are perfect - we are called to submit anyway.
I obviously misread this post - I took out of it that it is a man's responsibility to "make" his wife submit. It isn't - it is our duty to submit. There is only so much the man can do to make us.
2happy4 66p · 495 weeks ago
Ken · 495 weeks ago
No, the idea that the Christian wife will rebel when a husband asks her to submit, or exerts some modest discipline in the relationship to help move her to where she should be in a one flesh marriage, is only true of wives who have a rebellious heart to begin with. If a godly wife is to win her disobedient husband by her godly behavior, how much more does a godly wife have a responsibility to behave godly towards her solidly Christian husband!
True, love generally does not make demands, but it does make requests and can be found in discipline. God disciplines us because he loves us, and at times we discipline our children out of love. Even I as a manager must tell an employee that he/she has lost half of her bonus money for the year due to being late, or missing too many days, etc. There are consequences to almost everything in life, many of them natural consequences, but no Christian wife can fault a husband for trying to help his wife become a real Help Meet, so long as all that he does is done in a Christian manner, with kindness and not anger.
I had to learn this with my wife, to become almost clinical in my approach so that I would not get emotionally wrapped up in her emotions. Too often a wife can push all the right buttons to get her husband to lose his composure and say things or do things that are not kind or loving. It is a classic manipulation tactic to get the spotlight off of her bad behavior by getting a husband to roll in the mud too. Then no one wins, but she didn't lose, at least in her mind. So the first thing I coach all the men who need help with their difficult wives is to maintain control by always staying in control of your emotions and keep everything you do Christian, and God honoring.
Lastly, I could not disagree with you more that if a Christian husband just showed the right leadership like Abraham, and a husband just loved his wife perfectly, she would somehow become a wife who desires to please him. It just ain't so, and the reason is that most women have an inner desire to be in control of the relationship to get their perceived "needs" met. It is fundamental to many women, including unlearned Christian women, to want to have there own way and to be right about most things having to do with the home and children. How can a husband lead if she feels this way? Answer: Get her off of her feelings and onto God's Word.
"Trying to force a wife" is not a Christian thing to do, so I am with you on that. But there is a lot that a Christian husband can do in setting standards, especially the standard that all that we do in this home will be Christian. He can also assign consequences for breaking those standards, but he cannot force a wife to accept most of consequences. But certainly if she is quite rebellious and unkind towards him he can use the ultimate consequence of separation for a time. This consequence she can do nothing about, and it does not depend on her, nor impinge on her free will.
Certainly we will all bear our own sins, but I also believe that God will hold Christian husband's accountable for not only how they treated their wives with love, respect and kindness, but with how he actively participated in helping her become one flesh with him. If he is the head, he must act to try to move the marriage and his difficult wife forward. Trust me, I know how hard it can be to deal with a difficult wife for many years, but I thank God that in the moments I wanted to give up trying to move our relationship forward, God gave me the strength to continue the slow and arduous process of changing her bad thinking, and in turn her bad behaviors. I thank God that He did most of the heavy lifting in sanctifying her, and that he allowed me to participate, and to receive the fruit of my efforts by now having a truly one flesh, loving marriage.
Guest · 495 weeks ago
I responded to Lori above.
I agree that the husband should exhort his wife to submit to him, definitely. But there is only so much he can do - if she refuses once he has pointed out the relevant scripture clearly, and he is doing his part fully, there actually isn't any more he can do, I don't think. In that case, the husband would not be sinning, I don't think, for not "leading" his wife. The wife would be sinning for refusing to submit.
I have been married to my husband for 13 years. For the past 3 of those years, my husband has been a Christian as well. It has only been within the past 12-18 months that I have truly submitted to him, despite him trying to get me to do so long before that. The fault was mine, not his. That was the point I was trying to make - that the husband should not feel he is sinning if his wife refuses to be a Godly wife to him.
Katie · 495 weeks ago
In light of the recent tragic school shooting, my husband told me late last night that he is going to think and pray about me homeschooling our daughter!! I literally jumped for joy and kissed him! It isn't a definite yes, but at least he is finally open to the idea. The only thing holding him back now is that we live in a very small, very Christian community and he isn't worried about the local school here. He said if we lived anywhere else he would let me. I would still love to homeschool, and we stayed up late discussing things. This morning he said he wasn't promising anything but that he'd keep "pondering things" and is willing to talk with another husband in a homeschooling family. There isn't any around here, the closet is sixty miles away, but it still is a glimmer of hope! I realize this sounds bad to most people reading your blog, but considering he was completely closed to the idea of homeschooling just a week ago, I now at least have some hope!! He really is a loving, faithful and hardworking husband and father... This is the one issue we couldn't seem to agree on. Thank you for your daily wisdom and encouragement, even when you are not feeling well. It has made such an impact for the better! I'm continuing to do lots of praying, for our family and for your health.
Lori Alexander 122p · 495 weeks ago
michelemorin 65p · 494 weeks ago