Thursday, May 31, 2012

Is Emotional Purity Harmful?


Is teaching your children to be emotionally pure during their teenage years harmful?  According to this woman, she was very harmed through these teachings.  I can understand some of her arguments but I think a lot more teenagers are hurt from going from one relationship to another throughout their teenage years.

Having many relationships at a young age easily leads to sexual promiscuity.  The emotional purity teachings were to protect teenagers from this harm.  Maybe it went too far but I think it is much better than the alternative.

My generation was a unique generation.  My parent's generation didn't sleep around.  My mom went on many dates where the boys didn't even try to kiss her after a date.  None of them tried getting her in bed after a couple of dates.  Men respected women and most knew sex was reserved for marriage.

My generation came after the sexual revolution.  Our parents didn't know what was going on in my dating years.  Almost all the guys wanted to make out during the dates and expected long make out sessions at the end of the date.  My first date at sixteen years old ended with the guy almost getting in an accident driving me home because he was so angry I wouldn't have sex with him at the drive-in movie theater.

When I finally got a date with my dream boyfriend, he picked me up completely drunk and took me to a wild party.  He then took me to a bedroom and I asked him to take me home.

My parents never knew this.  They didn't know how different dating was for me as it had been for them.  Dating in my generation meant sleeping around.  I would have loved having boundaries that would have protected me.

So this young generation must understand where my generation is coming from when we began raising teenagers in regards to dating.  We didn't want our children to have to experience what we did.  We wanted to put boundaries around them that protected them.

Maybe we went too far.  I don't know.  I never taught my children emotional purity but I absolutely taught them sexual purity.  I didn't want them to date in high school, only in groups.  I didn't want them to be alone with members of the opposite sex when their hormones were raging and there was no way they could get married for several years.

When they were old enough to get married, we taught them to date only those they thought they could marry.  So far, it has worked out great for them.  One of them experienced a broken heart but lived through it and has a very healthy marriage.

I don't think there is any perfect formula except to teach them God's Word.  He teaches us to flee sexual sin and to keep the marriage bed pure.  He teaches us to honor our bodies and glorify Him with our bodies in everything we do.

Teach your children to love Him with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength.  Teach them to pray for their future spouse and ask Him to direct them to that spouse that He has picked out for them.  Our children are made in God's image and have the ability to exercise self-control.  Their worth comes from who they are in Christ.  Make sure they know this amazing truth.

Ask God for wisdom as you raise your teenagers in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord.  He will give you wisdom and it will be good.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding. 
In all your ways acknowledge Him
and He shall direct your path.
Proverbs 3:4,5

Weekend Whatever

Comments (25)

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This is true. It is getting so hard to explain to tweens/teens that they don't need one on one relationships with the opposite sex while they are so young. I hardly had any "rules" as far as dating went and some of my decisions saddened me as an adult. But with no parental guidance in the dating area, it was like the blind leading the blind.
Me and my husband are determined to teach our children differently.
Thank God for his word!!!
-blessings
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
Teaching them God's Word is the most important thing we can do as parents!
Such a simple truth. The hardest thing to explain to teen girls is that often what is emotionally driven for a girl is sexually driven for a boy. I made mistakes growing up and then when I got to college it was shocking someone who drove me to a party (not really even a date) expected sex. That was in 1978. My oldest step daughter was allowed to date when she was a freshman in high school (against our judgement) and was date raped by her 18 year old boyfriend. I might add that she was a very physically and emotionally young 14 year old. She is deeply scarred to this day and has a horrible relationship with her mom. I explained to her recently that I thought that resentment was from her mom not protecting her when she had the chance. My husband and I have a nearly 12 year old who is being raised very differently. It's shocking how many of my family think we are "over protecting her". Thanks so much for your blog...I enjoy it very much!
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
You're welcome and just keep protecting her. My daughter has thanked us for protecting her.
Danielle B's avatar

Danielle B · 669 weeks ago

My sister and I were having a conversation wrapping Christmas presents (this past Christmas). My niece was 11 (turned 12 in March), my nephew is 13 (14 at the end of July), and she was saying how both of her kids aren't interested in boys/girls. They are too busy w/sports/activities etc. Boys are asking my niece out and all but she'd rather play sports. I was SO happy to hear this (my sister and her husband aren't saved, non-church goers too), I said to her good, let them be kids! She said that's what she told my niece. My nephew doesn't seem interested either.

My niece wanted a Barbie, and a baby doll...she hasn't played w/those in YEARS.
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
It is good to keep them busy with activities and sports especially through the high school years. Boredom can breed trouble!
I have to say I relate with what she wrote and saw the huge damage it caused in my entire christian youth generation.
There are many things I'm grateful for the emotional shielding and sexual purity. My husband was my first kiss and i was 22 and needless to say all my firsts. That is something I hope he'll cheerish and my children will want to imitate.
But alot of what she said is so, so true and very, very damaging. It does cause shame, pride, skewed views on relationships, and trapped in formulas.
In my church, the formulas are very strict and enforced. Here is the formula: never date a guy or have a boyfriend. Serve in church and be good example. One day one godly man will notice you. He won't befriend you much (it's sinful, especially if he likes you.), he will ask your leader and pastor if you are any good, if the pastor likes the union he will give the guy his ok, the guy will ask you to marry him (sometimes without even having interacted much or even acquainted), you can't say yes, you have to tell him now you'll ask the pastor, you ask the pastor to find out if he oked it, you say yes and you have to get married in 6 months no less.

I was so convinced this was the "God" way I followed their instructions on everything. One leader told the pastors he was attracted to me and they forbade him to speak to me. Yes, speak! If he said hello, they would admonish him immediately and threaten his leadership.

I would avoid all guy contact and emotional attachment. It was my godly dutty to guard not only my heart but their hearts as well. Oh, and I would teach and guard my other sisters in the faith to do so as well, including my sister. I would be so over my sister if I considered a relationship with a guy inapropriate.

It all sounds good, doesn't it? It sounds like what every parent wants for their kids: complete purity, and self-enforced. My dad thought i was dumb for not dating and being so radical.

This is what it produced: shame if I felt anything for a guy. When I began having feelings for my now-husband, I felt so ashamed of the feelings and desires I was having I thought God was going to punish me and it moved me away from God. I even went 6 months without speaking to him in hopes that the feelings and the shame would go so I could enjoy God again. It caused pride because I was better than most teenagers that gave in to their youth desires instead of fleeing from them. It made me so selfrighteous I was sure this was the only way and others should follow to, and I made them follow too.

I had many friends who grew up with me with the same teachings and repressions. One of them wasn't allowed to have guy friends. Result: she left her home with the first boy that spoke to her in college. Did i mention he was a budhist? Another one was asked in marriage under the church protocol, eventhough she was too young. She is the youngest of our generation already divorced with her ex husband cheating on her. Another one, one of the most radical on this purity movement, our example and even teacher, ended up having an affair with a married leader in church who had just had a baby with his wife and just left my young friend pregnant. As for the boys in my generation, they are so awkward around girls some of them are reaching their 30's without social knowledge as to relate to women and still alone and single wishing they would be married.

the result in past generations in my church: many woman over their 30's are still being good examples and serviceable with no guys approaching them for their hands in marriage because they were so emotionally guarded they are unapproachable. Many older man still single because they are awkward around women and lack the social skills you develop under healthy male-female interaction.

The big danger: the rules are "God-given" and if you break them you are going against Him and His Word.
When the woman you speak of began saying all the teaching she had to undo in her life, I instantly related to her. I was convinced my husband wasn't the man for me because he was not following the churchs steps. I now see that all that formula is just a protocol. And it is not God-given anywhere in the Bible. No where does God says this is how you find your husband and you must do this and that. My husband is one of the best man I know. He fell head over heels for me and pursued me inspite of me.
It took him nearly three years for me to finally notice he truly loved me and was serious of spending his life with me. And he didn't follow a protocol because he didn't want to. And I was convinced that because it was not in the formula he was not the man for me. I thank God for whatever revelation and freedon and grace she showed me to escape the lies and marry the man I married.

I'm sorry. Long comment. But I believe we have to hold on to what is good and reject every kind of evil(1 the. 5:21). Parents must also be aware of the dangers they can cause their children with extremes God didn't impose at all,

A bit of my testimony.
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
Many of the girls I went to high school with slept around with guys, had abortions, and got sexually transmitted diseases. They suffered in many ways not being taught any boundaries. Some of the teachings you were taught absolutely went too far but I think they were in response to what was happening in the general public. I am sure your parents were simply trying to protect you.
Teaching emotional purity is a new concept to me. When I was teen, I was taught sexual purity in the form of fooling around in any way would result in God striking me with lightening. Essentially. I was even lectured once for "giggling too much" in the presence of my "boyfriend" even though my sister and parents were also present.
I had one major relationship in high school. We "dated" for two years but were only allowed to go out alone maybe five times during that time span. I had to be home no later than eleven, even on prom night. Every other time we spent together was with my parents. I wasn't allowed to go to his parent's house because "nice girls don't go to boy's houses".

I know my parents were only trying to protect me, but it had lasting effects on my emotional state and future relationships. I struggle with the need to have everyone's approval and validation.

I wish I had been taught my WORTH in Christ, instead of just a bunch of rules to follow, and if I broke them I was in serious danger of damnation or at the very least of being "spanked" by God. It was so ingrained in me that I still struggle with some of these issues even today.
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
I think we need to be taught who we are in Christ and given rules to follow. God gives us many rules in Scripture...flee sexual immorality, He tells men to treat younger women with absolute purity, etc. so I think we need to do the same as parents.
So we may have raised our children to be ultra conservative. What is wrong with that?! If we are going to "err" in one direction, it is far better to lean towards being separate from the rest of the world than liberal and having regrets the rest of your life! I also raised my kids like you, Lori (oh, you are the one who was mentoring me!) and my daughter has only kissed one man: her husband. It is a JOY to see them walking in the truth and it didn't come by following the rest of the crowd.
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
I think I would rather err on the side of protecting my children too much than too little also. Thanks, Yrena!
Rebecca Levas's avatar

Rebecca Levas · 669 weeks ago

My dear friend Lori,

Thank you for your transparency....it allows other women to be vulnerable and open. I say, "Amen and Amen" to all you have said. I am one of those women in the 60's who thought my worth was wrapped up in a boys affection.....which ultimately left me broken and barren. By God's beautiful grace, He blessed me with two adopted sons who I love and adore. It truley is God's "unmerited favor" in my life. Our sons have been best friends since they were four years old and now they are married at 27 years. We will continue to pray for them and believe that God will continue the " legacy of faith" that we have tried to instill in them as "moms". I am proud to call you my "friend"!!
Rebecca
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
Thank you, Rebecca. Our generation really suffered from not being taught God's ways. Knowing His ways is what we tried very hard to do with our children and it seems to have worked!
Wow! what a great post! I think you have explained a great balance here! I do understand what the writer about emotional purity was trying to convey - and I agree to a point that many inadvertently teach fear when they should only teach caution. The two are vastly different! I am not against dating, but I am - like you - going to teach my children sexual purity. My husband and I didn't kiss until our wedding day. That is one ENORMOUS step one can take in guarding against sexual promiscuity. Limit physical touch. We both decided that if it felt "too good" that we would save that for marriage. It aided in both protecting our hearts against lust and in keeping us focused on getting to know one another. It was very healthy! I am so glad you addressed this and brought balance in this area. it is so incredibly important in this day of over-sexualization! Hopping over from Whatever Weekend. A Little R & R http://jukiczr.blogspot.com
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
I think some fear should be taught concerning sexual immorality. Fear is a very good motivator to do right. It sounds like you did it the right way and are reaping the wonderful fruit from it!
Maybe I'm missing the point, but this one seems easy to me...

Sexual purity, like any discipline, involves both a physical and a mental commitment.

The end?
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
Yes and it is a good thing to be taught by the parents.
There are definitely two extremes in any situation, both allowing children to do whatever they want, and, as some of the commentors noted, being overly strict about what children can and cannot do. But, I err on the side of what you are taking about. My neighbor has a daughter in middle school (middle school!) who has a boyfriend, and they hug and kiss each other goodbye when leaving. That is the extent of my knowledge, but that alone is enough to have me discouraged. I think when we start talking about our little toddlers having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend", which seems completely innocent, by the time they are in middle school it becomes expected, and then they have nowhere to go from there but straight to sexual impurity.
My kids are far off from that, at just 2, 4, and 6, so I don't have to worry about it just yet, but already my 4 year old son has a little girl in his Sunday school class who says that he is her boyfriend. Then he started saying it and I don't know the proper way to handle it. I don't want to make a huge deal about it, but I also don't want him to continue saying he's her boyfriend (he doesn't even know what it means).
Great advice, Lori, as usual. I hope you are feeling better!

Megan @ wwwsunshinethroughthewindows.blogspot.com
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
It is never too early to start teaching them healthy boundaries with the opposite sex!
Cynthia Swenson's avatar

Cynthia Swenson · 669 weeks ago

I didn't want to send my children to public school because I hoped to protect them. Their father has a different opinion so some of my children attend public school. The sexuality trend is shocking to me but very openly discussed among the young people. I love the verse you selected for today Lori because trusting the Lord to work in my children's lives, & hearts, & consciences is all I can do & He is proving Himself faithful to protect them! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
You are a very wise mother, Cynthia.
I was not taught "emotional purity" in those terms, per se. And I am glad that I was allowed to feel my feelings without shame and express them openly with my mother. But she did talk to me about the importance of not becoming too emotionally intimate with young men. The way she put it, and I agree, is that your emotional intimacy should increase on par with the physical and spiritual aspects of a relationship. Meaning, if you are just talking to a member of the opposite sex that you think you may have feelings for, you should not lure them in with some overly personal, emotionally juicy tid-bit about your life, just like you shouldn't lure them in by flaunting your cleavage. And even once you are in a relationship with someone you think you may marry, you shouldn't lay all of your feelings and emotional history bare just to try to build a "closer relationship." I think many "good girls" know physical stuff is off the table for them, so they overcompensate by being "emotionally promiscuous." In the log run, perhaps there is a happy balance between complete emotional absitence and compete emotional intimacy. Emotional appropriateness?
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
Great thoughts, Fran. I have many wise readers of my blog and I thank you for your thoughts.
My husband and I lead sheltered lives when we were growing up in Atlanta, around Emory University. I don't really remember my parents ever saying anything about sexual purity, but I think I instinctively knew what was right and what was wrong. We dressed conservatively, didn't smoke, and certainly didn't drink. I really don't remember talking to my own children about sexual purity, but somehow I managed to instill in them the ability to discern right from wrong. I do know that my boys remained chaste until they married, and one of them actually told me that he was so glad he waited. If young people today could only understand the importance of waiting for just the right person, and waiting for marriage, then they would see just what a wonderfully bonding experience that can be.

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