Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Benefit of Separate Vacations?


Iris Krasnow from her book The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share what it Really Takes to Stay Married she wrote, "The best marriage advice I now give, after receiving this advice from dozens of wives who have been married for up to 70 years while researching my book, is this: The happiest marriages are made up of two people who are engaged in separate passions, separate pursuits and who are wholly engaged in something beyond their partnership." 

She also extols the benefits of separate vacations, even separate summers! "Krasnow has spent the last eight summers (or at least a good chunk of those summers) several states away from her husband. 'I come home and I’m always hot to see him,' she confides."

She wrote this along with a lot of other terrible advice (make out with old boyfriends; get yourself a platonic boyfriend): "She points out that the vast majority of married women contemplate divorce 'if not once a month, at least every other month.'"

So this is the secret of a happy marriage: spend more time apart, pursue completely different activities, and ponder divorce frequently? This is the advice the world gives you to a happy marriage. What advice does the Bible give?

The Bible tells us we are to submit, obey, please, love, reverence, and serve our husbands until death do us part. The advice you are getting from the world is completely contrary to this, namely, only think about yourself and what makes you happy. "If seeking your own hobbies, goals, and vacations make you happy, go for it."

The big problem with this is that this attitude has infiltrated the church. Many churches have forgotten to preach about denying ourselves and giving ourselves away for the good of others. They fail to teach that Jesus' last act on earth was to wash the disciples' feet. He gave us this example so we would wash other's feet.

Are you washing your husband's feet? Are you making his life happy? As you learn to give your life away, serve others, and take your mind off of your own feelings and desires, the happier and more joyful you will become. Satan hides this from you but God tells us this plainly in His Word. Listen to the Lover of your soul instead of the Great Deceiver.

Go on vacations with your husband. Find things you enjoy doing together. Don't listen to the wisdom of the world. It is foolishness and will not lead to a strong, healthy marriage. I can tell you one thing, I sure have no intention of vacationing all summer without my husband! Neither of us would be happy doing this. We love and enjoy each other too much and would miss each other terribly.

Let your fountain be blessed, 
And rejoice in the wife of your youth.
Proverbs 5:18

Comments (18)

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Amen! The "early years" of our marriage are being spent raising children for the Lord. When our last child (whomever that may be, it's up to God) is gone starting their own family, or is nearly grown and can be left occasionally, my husband and I greatly look forward to spending time together!

We also wish to be very immersed and available to our grown children and their children. We don't believe the Bible teaches "retirement" in a sense of "well, now we've put our 18 years in with our kids..it's time for ME!" I want to be the mother at the side of my daughters and daughters by marriage, to help them raise their children, support them and help them as much as they invite me to...not traveling Europe while my husband takes up golf....where we potentially set ourselves up for having our emotional and physical needs met elsewhere.

After spending years dedicated to raising children and meeting the needs of my husband, I delight in the knowledge that this will be a blessed time in my life..I can continue to love and nurture my husband, who because of the great years spent selflessly will continue to be my best friend, all these years, and many more to come.

Great post!
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
You are so right! People need to understand that it is in giving our lives away and serving others that brings true joy. I love serving my husband, children, and grandbaby now...It is so much better than serving myself.
Boy you really had me wondering what in the world you were thinking when I read the first few lines of this post. Whew! It made me almost shout at the computer! Thankfully, you were not seriously advising wives to live separate lives from their husbands. I guess I can calm down now...
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
I know. I think I freaked a lot of people out! ;)
My husband loves his karate and I love my blogging. We talk to each other about it. We have other things we like to do together. That first advice is NUTS! And scary to think people listen to it. Why bother getting married if you want nothing to do with your spouse? Oi vey. Thanks for pointing out the truth friend!

Blessings,
Nicole- @ (the new) workingkansashomemaker.com
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
You're welcome. Ken loves sports so I have learned to enjoy them. I love blogging and Ken completely supports me in it. It is wonderful to share our lives together.
Well .. I will give you one reason my hubby and I do both. Together and separate vacations. We have a special needs child that requires full time attention and we need to have some down time away from home. Once a year we go away as a family .. and once a year we get away for a 'retreat/reprieve/respite' from the 24/7 stress of parenting. Of course, we would rather have this respite together as a couple .. but that is not always possible for more than a night or two .. so we take mini trips (I, with my Christian sister/girlfriends) .. and he goes on trips with some male friends to visit historic battle sights and museums. We both come home rested and prepared to be better/relaxed partners/parents. This is how I 'wash my husband's feet and vice-a-versa'
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
Sounds good to me. It sounds like you truly love your husband and share raising your child together.
Each year I travel interstate (2 weeks in total) and spend time with my parents and do what they need me to do as they are very elderly. I also use that time to spend with my siblings. My husband does not come with me as he would not enjoy himself (his view). Each marriage works differently and this works for us. We go away together at another time just the two of us. What makes a successful marriage for one couple may not for another. There is nothing wrong with couples having different interests as long as they share an interest in each other activities plus have common activities they do together.
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
I agree. It sounds like your time apart from your husband is spent serving your family and as long as he is fine with it, it sounds great!
Wow Lori, I knew the pain meds had gotten to you when I read the first few lines. (laff, laff). So right on about the selfishness that I see in marriages even in my own church. My well meaning friends can't believe that my husband and I enjoy being together all day since his forced retirement from General Motors a few years back. Since our boys are grown, it is like a honeymoon every day. We can pray together, yet we still take time alone when we need to. He is my best friend and I am so grateful that we have this time together. Thanks for your wonderful post.
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
You're welcome, Diane. I love to hear of couples who still love being together. We all need to hear about that more today in our self-absorbed society.
I am still fairly young, but my hubby and I have been together for 16 years (as of tomorrow :)...married for 13 of them. We are and have always been together as much as humanly possible. So many warned us against 'smothering' each other, none of which have that great of marriages. I'm glad we didn't listen and with each passing year our marriage gets better and better. Thank you for showing the world that we aren't the 'wierd ones'. It is possible to marry your very best friend.
1 reply · active 669 weeks ago
Way to go, Nicole. Your marriage is a shining light in a very dark world!
Someone gave the advice to us when we got married, that we should have separate bank accounts. When I told my mom that, her response was, "NOTHING should be separate!"

Your sister looks like a blonde version of you!
I was shocked when I first started to read your post - I thought you were encouraging people to do this 'seperate' vacation idea. Whew- was I relieved when I read further down in the post =) My husband and I do everything together and I truly believe we our marriage is stronger because of it. Granted there are a few times where we do things seperately (like I'll have coffee with friends or he'll play basketball with the guys) but as the norm- we do a majority of everything together. He is my best friend and I enjoy his company. It always breaks my heart when I see other couples spend 99% of their time apart - they are really missing out on the joys of marriage - in my opinion.
I can't believe the advice from the book! It's so true it's what everyone says. This girl I used to work with told me her friends parents have the perfect marriage because they live separate lives. I told her it doesn't sound too perfect to me. I want to want to be with my husband. She never understand why I NEVER spoke badly about my husband and wanted to spend so much time with him. She told me that my husband ws just perfect and I was lucky. I told her that he is not by any means perfect, but that I did chose him and I love him too much to speak badly of him... regardless if I'm frustrated with something that occurred with him earlier in the day or not.

My husband is my BESTfriend!! I've been in a different state visiting our families while he is back home working for almost 2 weeks. I miss him soooo much, and I can't wait to see him in 2 days!!!
About the only thing that I agree with her on is that we shouldn't expect our marriage to completely make us happy. Other than that it is complete rubbish. I can hardly see a couple being attracted to each other by similarities in interest and enjoying each others' company and then striving to spend as much time as possible AWAY from each other once they get married being a recipe for a successful marriage. If anything, most couples say they are unhappy because they have "grown apart" and no longer share the same interests. It makes me sad that women might be reading that and think that it is truth.

Megan @ wwwsunshinethroughthewindows.blogspot.com

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