Monday, May 14, 2012

Wives Must FEEL Loved?


The command to husbands to love their wives has been transformed into a command that he make his wife feel loved. This subtle transformation turns a straightforward biblical command into a Sisyphean {endless and unavailing} task. After all, the wife herself is the only one who can pronounce whether she feels sufficiently loved.

Additionally only she can define the very meaning of the word love in this context. As a result, Christian husbands are now held hostage to the emotions of their wives. They must forever jump through whatever hoops their wives hold up in an impossible effort to gain her approval.

For example, if he watches a football game instead of doing what she wants him to do he isn’t making her feel sufficiently loved and is in violation of the biblical command. There is no escape from this rule once you accept the subtle change, as logically only she can tell us how she feels. {Dalrock}

In other words, women have become the leaders of the home.  Where men battle their sexual nature, women battle their emotional nature.  Women think that men's sexual nature is a far worse sin than their emotional nature.  One can easily see the man's sin {lust, pornography, adultery, etc.}, whereas the wife's sin is much more difficult to see yet can be every bit as destructive.

Out in public, the wife can act warm, sweet, and friendly to every one around her but at home, she just may be holding her husband hostage using her emotional nature to take control of the home.  {If mama ain't happy, nobody is happy.}  I know I sure used it to control Ken but nobody except him knew it.

It's real ugly.  Since women are much more into their emotions and feelings, if we aren't feeling loved the way we want to be loved, we can use it in all sorts of ways to make our husband's lives miserable. 

We can deny them sex. 

We can pout and stew if they aren't doing things our way. 

We can roll our eyes and show them disrespect in all kinds of ways. 

We can use it to manipulate, control them, and criticize them.

Women using their emotional natures to rule over men in this way is destroying marriages.  It is also being used to take away the headship and authority of husbands.

Start using your emotional nature to love and cherish your husband.  Use it to make him feel valued and cared for by allowing him to be the leader.  Stop using it to get your way.  The word that describes wanting your own way is selfishness and selfishness should have no part of our lives.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ,
the head of a wife is her husband,
and the head of Christ is God.        

Comments (19)

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Thank you for all of your marriage advice. I felt that I had a great marriage before, but I have noticed it getting even better when I have applied things I've read here. You're right - we as women so often expect our husbands to make everything better for us. Even though I am married to the BEST of the best, and he really does try to make me happy....Happiness is a choice I have to make within myself. I have also learned that making him happy, and giving him what he wants, helps me be happier and get what I want from him! (Hope that makes sense!) Anyway...Thanks again. :)
1 reply · active 671 weeks ago
It sure does make sense...We reap what we sow! We will continue to learn and grow until the day that we die. It never ends.
Terri Edwards's avatar

Terri Edwards · 671 weeks ago

Wow! Sounds like the old me, before Christ gave me a desire to lay down my old life and follow Him! :) Have to say our marriage has been much better ever since I learned to stop manipulating my husband, and learned to love him instead!
1 reply · active 671 weeks ago
I know. For some reason we are so blind to that truth but it is so clearly spelled out in God's Word. Thankfully, He is so good at making all things new!
Men differ from one to another, as do women and our personal definition of love. My Husband is not the romantic type and is not very thoughtful on his own. There is nothing negative about it, I just have to be open and hint at things sometimes. He loves me enough to work full-time, pay our bills, put a roof over our heads, take care of us, and more. That right there is love enough for me.
1 reply · active 671 weeks ago
Men can show love and usually do much different than women do. I love the differences between us. Working hard and providing is one of the main ways men show love. Realizing that is so important.
Just found your blog and I love it! Thanks for being so BOLD for our LORD! Thanks so much! Blessing to you!
1 reply · active 671 weeks ago
You are welcome! His ways are so good.
While I agree that disrespect, nagging and criticism is not compatible with a loving and healthy marriage, I think we should be very careful not to equate those sins to sexual sins. Even in the Bible sexual sin is considered spescially destructive and sexually unfaithfulness in marriage is the only acceptable cause for divorse. I believe there is a good reason for that!
A wife engaged in sexual infidelity is far worse than the husband not loving/respecting her the way he should/the way she want him to - and a sexually unfaithful husband is far worse than a wife not loving/respecting him the way she should/the way he want her to.
But I strongly agree that manipulating your spouse to get it your own way is extremely selfish and so far from the mind of Jesus, yet so natural for us human beings.
I belive when the main focus for husband and wife is to serve and love the other one above themselves, marriage is not so hard. Then none of them will be so concerned about whether or not the other one is doing their part so perfectly.
1 reply · active 671 weeks ago
I do agree with you that sexual sin is worse than many other sins but maniuplating with your moods and women taking the leadership of the home can be just as destructive to the marriage as infidelity. I love that you said when both are loving and serving the other one above themselves, marriage is not so hard. You are so right about that one!
You are right on about women and their subtle ways of manipulating the headship (authority) in their home.
You are right on about instead using that emotion to love and cherish...and may I add respect.
I soak in the encouragement here! :D There is just so much peace and joy in the position us wives have in the body.

But I'd like to add as a woman who shoved her emotions aside for many years in my own attempts to be the submissive wife this too is just as destructive, manifesting into bitterness, resentment and the like. It took a long time for me to realize the bible also teaches us how to HUMBLY make petitions and QUIETLY address those who are sinning against us. In fact it even instructs us to do this so that we ourselves do not end up sinning (Lev. 19:17, Mat. 18:15). But note this cannot be done unless our hearts are already plowed for serving. And often will not be received until we are walking in the ways you describe above.
1 reply · active 671 weeks ago
I am not encouraging women to shove their emotions aside but to learn to control them by using them for good, not to manipulate and control. We should be able to tell our husbands how we feel but then allow the Holy Spirit to change and convict them, not us.
Sure, sure, I was not even thinking that was what you were encouraging. I am sorry if I came across as seeming that was what you were encouraging. I am in complete agreement with your post and comment.
I was only sharing a bit of my own experience because there are also a lot of women out there that don't understand how to approach their husband in a respectful way. Then there are those that may read the above and not be able to see the balance (in a feminist world).
I truly appreciate your posts!
1 reply · active 671 weeks ago
Thanks, Emily. I just always want to make sure I understand how my readers are interpreting my posts and try to clear up any misconceptions!
Melissa M.'s avatar

Melissa M. · 671 weeks ago

Wow! I have heard and read this scripture many times and never thought gave thought that it didn't mean he is was supposed to make me FEEL loved! Thank you so much for your insight on this.
1 reply · active 671 weeks ago
You're welcome, Melissa. It took me a very long time to understand this also.
What advice do you have for a husband whose wife has a consistent, if subtle, attitude of rebellion? Is there anything I can do or say that would be effective instead of causing defensiveness, etc?
1 reply · active 671 weeks ago
I believe that you, as the head of the wife, have the right to confront her in her rebellion. Pray about it beforehand for God to give you the words and for her to have a soft and teachable heart. Then you must leave it in His hands to convict and change her.
When I was a child, my dad worked very hard to provide for our family. So hard that I rarely saw him. I knew he loved me, but I didn't feel it. And it made me miserable. I remember one occasion where he told me he wouldn't be able to watch me in the school play. I cried, and when my dad saw this, he nearly cried as well. Was I manipulating him? I don't think so. A few years later my dad took a less time consuming job and I got to spend to more time with him. I got to know him better, and he got to know me. And that made us both happy and strengthened our relationship.
My husband and I have been together for 6 years now. I recall a bit of a rough patch a couple years ago where I was feeling unappreciated and unloved. So I talked to him about it and we worked it out and we are both happier for it. We don't just assume that we know we love each other, we make sure we show it. I don't have to manipulate him (nor he manipulate me) because we WANT each other to be happy. Feeling loved is a wonderful thing.

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