Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Holding Onto Oneself


Terry Gaspard in this article sees many couples divorcing because the husband wants sex all the time, while the wife doesn't feel her emotional needs are being met.  She has named this pattern "holding onto oneself." This term describes the instinctual reactions that kick in when individuals frantically seek their own interests without considering the feelings and interests of their mates.

Commonly, one partner gets tired of pursuing and the other grows weary or gets angry about what they perceive as constant nagging. I've seen this pattern over and over again in the couples I've interviewed for my research.  To complicate matters, it's natural for one person to see their style as preferred and to be convinced that their partner needs to change - neglecting to see their part in the tug-of-war over intimacy.

The author comes to some pretty good conclusions on how to deal with this issue.  It is pretty much about compromising with each other.  Compromise is good but what if you have a husband that doesn't want to compromise.  He is tired of arguing with you and is contemplating moving on...

You be the one to stop "holding onto oneself" which is another word for selfishness and wanting your own way.  You be the one to begin giving your husband sex whenever he wants it and start becoming the help meet God has called you become.

Most marriages are in a power struggle.  This is the term I would give it.  Each partner wants their needs met and when they feel their needs aren't getting met, they get angry.  This begins the downward spiral of the marriage.

God made the husband as the head of the home.  He is the boss.  He may be a kind and benevolent boss or he may be a harsh one.  You are still commanded to submit and love him.  As you stop thinking about yourself and how you are not getting your needs met but instead put your mind on how you can meet your husband's needs, a funny thing happens.

You begin on the path of restoring your marriage.  A house divided falls.  A house united stands.  Stop giving into your emotional nature, do things God's ways, and watch how He will bless you!

What causes fights and quarrels among you? 
Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?
James 4:1

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Posted by Always Learning at 6:00 AM
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Deb · 612 weeks ago

Whatever form it takes, selfishness is a huge problem in marriage. Thanks for this great post.
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Laurie · 612 weeks ago

"Created" showed me how I do this in my marriage several years ago and now I'm seeing how I do this in other relationships, especially with fellow believers. It's so freeing to not try to control people and how grievous that I've done it for so long!
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Lori Alexander 122p · 612 weeks ago

I am with you, Laurie. Learning to not control Ken has had a huge impact on how I treat others and my family sure loves it!
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theperkster 14p · 612 weeks ago

I see holding onto yourself, not as selfish, but as maintaining differentiation in a relationship. The ability to allow the other to feel and respond as they need to without taking on their emotion. It is the opposite of emotional fusion, which is false intimacy. Thanks for the food for thought.
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Courtney · 612 weeks ago

This reminds me of something from Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke: "A complete sharing between two people is an impossibility and whenever it seems, nevertheless, to exist, it is a narrowing, a mutual agreement which robs either one member or both of his fullest freedom and development. But, once the realization is accepted that, even between the closest human beings, infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole and against a wide sky!”
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anonymous · 612 weeks ago

I read your post on this subject often. I just wondered what you would have to share when it's the opposite. What about when the husband isn't as interested in having sexual relations near as much as the wife? What if they have been trying some natural type supplements to increase libido and it still doesn't seem to do the trick. The love is absolutely there between the two but, the desire is definitely not matched between the two. It's very hard on the wife because she doesn't want to nag, mope, or whine about it, but really misses the closeness that only that can bring. It is a subject that is brought up frequently in counseling. It is agreed that there could be some emotional reasons. In the meantime the wife has to wait and wonder if he will ever get it worked out. I cringe when you talk about men wanting it many times a week. I would be all for that, but have to feel satisfied if it happens once a week. In counseling there have been things that have come out, but as I say there are times I wonder if it will ever become resolved. You have to admit that if the man is not interested there not a blasted thing the woman can do. I would be very interested in what you would have to share about these situations. Surely I'm not the only one. BTW he is only 36 so age should not be an issue. Pornography is absolutely not an issue either, at least not in the 7 years of our marriage. He was somewhat involved with it for many years before. I do question if that has something to do with it.
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Lori Alexander 122p · 612 weeks ago

In general, men want it more than women because they have ten times the testosterone than women. I know it isn't always the case, however, as you have stated. All I can recommend to you is to continue loving and serving him. Hopefully, he enjoys being affectionate with you.

My ministry is to women, not to men, so I would encourage you to continue to build him up, learn what pleases him, etc. Nobody gets everything they want in a marriage, nobody. The whole point of the post is to accept him as he is and love him anyways even when you are not getting what you want. Continue to try winning him without a word and spend a lot of time in God's Word allowing the Holy Spirit to make you more like Jesus. This is what will attract him to you more than anything else.

Sheila's blog at http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/ would be a good resource for you. She addresses issues like this quite often. She is much more the expert on sex than I am!

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