It seems the majority of women would hate the idea of giving their husbands sex three times a week. Yet, the majority of men would love to have it at least that often. How do we come together with this difficult issue? Thejoyfilledwife made an amazing comment on a post written by a man who said that as a husband and head of his wife, he could tell his wife he wanted sex three times a week. Of course, one woman was very upset with this comment and thejoyfilled wife responded ~
I immediately recognized that your "3 times a week" comment was you toning things down quite a bit, since you and your wife have been very open about the frequency of this important part of your marriage. I also recognized that that comment would garner at least one negative comment, since, for some reason, this is an area of marriage that is often viewed as optional or that shouldn't be participated in unless both spouses are "in the mood."
Imagine how quickly marriages and families would disintegrate if we had that standard for all areas of responsibility. If we had moms refusing to bathe their children because they didn't "feel like it" and husbands only willing to show up at work when they're "in the mood"...or the father coming home after a week of traveling for work to children who are lethargic and weak because mommy simply didn't "feel" like feeding them while he was away. Can you imagine the implications? Yet one of the most important responsibilities in our marriages, so important that it was made a command and is considered barbaric to most wives, unless it is by mutual consent.
I have been asked many times how in the world I was capable of saying "yes" to my husband sexually, even amidst severe morning sickness that lasted all nine months for both of my pregnancies. Or how I was willing to smile and express delight for my husband during intimacy, even when, inwardly, I was beyond exhaustion.
It's really not rocket science. I just made the decision to never say "no" when we got married. Call me crazy, but I took the command seriously. It really doesn't matter what I feel like toward my husband. My desire is to obey God. Denying my husband his marital right is sin and I sure don't need to willingly choose to sin more than I already do!
Just to clarify what I meant by "It doesn't matter what I feel like toward my husband..." I didn't mean that I don't desire my husband. I VERY much do. I only mean to say that, even if my husband and I have an argument and I really don't feel like being intimate, those feelings don't dictate my actions.
And my husband is very gracious and doesn't ask me if I have the flu...or obviously if I have just given birth...but I really try not to show my mere tiredness to him, or to mention it at all, because that can be pretty common when you are caring for a newborn and homeschooling a small child. Tiredness is a fact of life at this phase of child-rearing and I certainly don't want to allow this time of tiredness to keep my husband and me from thriving in this area of life...especially since, one day, the kids will be gone and we will have the home to ourselves again. I would rather keep the home fires burning now, so that time will arrive after great anticipation.
Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence {sex}: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other...
I Corinthians 7:3-5
***HERE is thejoyfilledwife's encouragement for those women out there who have higher sex drives than their husbands and have a difficult time relating to this post.
***HERE is thejoyfilledwife's encouragement for those women out there who have higher sex drives than their husbands and have a difficult time relating to this post.
Logging you in...
mbb · 561 weeks ago
wellsbunch2014j 32p · 561 weeks ago
sheila payne · 561 weeks ago
hiswife522 43p · 561 weeks ago
sheila payne · 561 weeks ago
Ken · 561 weeks ago
Love is always freely given, and we do not condone force by a spouse for any reason, let alone for sex. What we do believe is that when a Believer follows God's Word and honors it, God honors them and blesses them. To regularly and purposefully, without their consent,withhold sex from a spouse is unloving and unkind, and violates one's marital covenant. This still does not allow a spouse to take what is owed to him by force.
The appeal of this post is to the voluntary loving sacrifice of one spouse to another. If you desire to discuss marital rape, find other blogs that are discussing the subject. If you want to be obedient to God's Word, do not deprive your spouse of sex. Each couple must determine what that looks like, but I can give you a hint that the solution will be to try to please your spouse and not yourself. That is what a marriage is about, seeking the best interest of your spouse over your own individual interests.
Elena · 561 weeks ago
Please understand, I do feel that a man and wife shouldn't withhold themselves from each other. I just believe this verse implies mutuality, compromise and lots of communication. Yes, our bodies belong to each other, but when one must perform due to obligation, that sort of reduces a beautiful act that God created to bond a man and wife to a mere duty, imo. OTOH, denying one's spouse out of spite, laziness, etc., is sin. Of course, this applies to men as well yet I don't read about this on marriage blogs as often. I've encountered ladies online whose husbands have porn addictions and they're literally starved for affection because their husbands' needs are met elsewhere.
mvstephenson 44p · 561 weeks ago
Tam · 561 weeks ago
And right she was;)
Beth A. · 561 weeks ago
I understand and agree 100% with what your post says. I agree we should fulfill our husbands sexually when they desire it. So, I am wondering, is it, likewise, the husband's responsibility to TRUELY fulfill their wives sexually when they (the wife) desire it? As most women know, truly fulfilling a women's sexual need is much more than the simple act of sex - it involves romance, tenderness, foreplay, and sometimes a lengthier "together time" in the bedroom. Most women are not fulfilled by the same terms that the husband is. Do you feel it is the husband's Godly duty to do all that is needed in order to fulfill the wife's sexual need? I have a few friends whose husbands tell them it is not "fair" to expect them to take 30 or 40 minutes to work to truly please the wife when all it takes is 5 minutes for the wife to please him. Thoughts on this? Thank you!
Beth A. · 561 weeks ago
sheila payne · 561 weeks ago
Shelley Payton · 561 weeks ago
Susan Taft · 561 weeks ago
Desiree · 561 weeks ago
Lady Virtue · 561 weeks ago
Kelley · 561 weeks ago
When we re-consummate our marriage in our marriage bed, we purify it again. Our bed continues to be undefiled. What is acted upon and carried out in our marriage bed is holy, for what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.
When we take our thoughts and ideas from any source outside the Word of God, abominable things happen, ungodly thoughts are concocted and the evil one has his way. When I cast down imaginations and love the Word better than my very food, healthy relationships, healthy ideas, and strength, wisdom, knowledge and understanding enrich a holy matrimony-- my marriage.
This is a BEAUTIFUL post, Lori!
Kelley~
Jacqueline · 559 weeks ago
Cynthia · 559 weeks ago
I read the original post again, and it is pretty clear that she is not being honest with him about how she is feeling. When she was feeling sick and exhausted, she said yes and "expressed delight".
There is a commandment not to place a stumbling block before the blind. What if her husband was a loving and kind man, who wanted to protect his wife and respect her feelings? What if he took the Golden Rule seriously, and would be horrified at the thought of his wife feeling horrible during relations while sick and exhausted? Did he know that she would never refuse him because she considered it sinful to say no?
In this scenario, how would a husband know that sex was not pleasant for his wife? If she never says anything about how she is feeling, is he expected to read her mind? Is he expected to refrain from asking for it too often, or from asking for anything slightly different (but still biblically permitted), because she will not refuse him? If a husband didn't know this about a wife, and thought that she was saying yes because of genuine desire, it would be natural for him to assume that it was mutually enjoyable and think that she wanted greater frequency. It sounds like a trap for a husband. The wife may picture herself as a martyr, while he may never have wanted her to feel that she was sacrificing herself or to suffer in any way.
TheJoyFilledWife · 559 weeks ago
I think it's important for you to keep in mind, Cynthia, that the Bible does not contradict itself. The Golden Rule is the spirit in which we live, but God's commands are always to be obeyed. Sometimes what we want doesn't line up with God's will. Should we then do to others as we want done to us if "what we want" doesn't fall in line with Scripture? The Golden Rule is there to cause us to think of the other person before we act. Sure, we may want to gossip about our friend, but would we want her to talk about us behind our back? That rule is there to enhance and point to the spirit of Christ and the Scriptures. If your application of it would be contradiction to Scriptural commands, then you are not using it in its proper context.
I hope to help you see that a wife can be exhausted and yet be delighted to be intimate with her husband. Why should tiredness cancel out joy? They can and should co-exist. I may be extremely tired, yet that doesn't cancel out the pleasure or joy I feel when my husband tells me he wants to make love to me. I love that my man wants me and, after the tragedy we went through last year, the fact that he approaches me 6-8 times a week for sex fills my heart with a joy I can't express. It is my blessing and my true pleasure to offer my body readily - and even sometimes sacrificially - to my husband. Just yesterday, our family spent the day with another family at the park. We had recently met and didn't know each other well, but the wife pulled me aside and asked me how long my husband and I have been married. We have been married twice as long as she and her husband have and, with near disbelief, she said, "Wow. I can't believe it. You guys act like newlyweds."
Do you think that tells you something about God's ability to turn around a hurting marriage? Or that learning to joyfully give myself to my husband had given vitality to our marriage? Do you think that when I told that wife that our marriage have not always been this way and that God has really performed a miracle in us, that she found hope for her own struggling marriage? My husband and I are enjoying the intimacy in our marriage much more now than we did when we were newlyweds. There's something about choosing to forgive your spouse and love them, in spite of their shortcomings, that brings a unique and special intimacy to your marriage. For once, I truly know my husband inside and out and that is a man that I can get excited about making love to! And even if I wasn't, I would joyfully submit to God's command in marriage because I desire to honor my Lord and Savior, who sacrificed much more than an extra hour of sleep, to display His love for me. May I always be willing to walk in the footsteps of my Savior.
Cynthia · 559 weeks ago
I understand your point about not simply waiting to be "in the mood", but making an active effort to ensure that there is regular intimacy. I'd agree that both spouses should make this effort, and even plan in advance for it.
My question and concern was about your advice that a wife should NEVER say no, and that you will express delight even if you really don't feel well, and whether that means that there is some lack of honesty with the husband and leaving him in the dark.
My husband, for example, has made it clear to me that he wants me to be honest about my feelings about intimacy and anything else in our marriage. We have both seen marriages where wives seen to go along with things, but either become passive-aggressive or suddenly lash out one day and complain about things that have bothered them for years. I have spent time reassuring him that I have no problem telling him "no", so he can trust that when I say "yes", I mean it.
In terms of intimacy, I do feel that God intended it to be for not just physical release, but also a deep emotional and spiritual connection, and that is why the highest form of sexual relations in the Bible is referred to as "knowing". [If you read carefully, you'll notice that the bible calls another forms "lying with", and "knowing" is only used for positive relations between husband and wife.] Being honest with each other (in a nice way, of course) is one part of building intimacy. Lack of honesty builds walls.
Honesty doesn't mean lack of effort. It can mean trusting the other spouse enough to drop the walls between you, being accepted and working together on any issues.
Example: Wife finds a certain position particularly uncomfortable, but feels that she can't criticize so she pretends that it is okay. Husband has no idea that there is a problem, and is therefore deprived of any opportunity to make things better or have the truly satisfied wife that he wants. If she would speak up and say, "X is uncomfortable but Y feels great", they would both be happier.
Example: A wife who is nursing finds that intimacy is uncomfortable and even painful, but just assumes that this is something she needs to suffer. If she was honest about the discomfort, the husband could insist that she see a doctor and she might find out if the nursing led to atrophied tissues. It might be a problem that is easily fixed.
Example: As a husband gets older, he may experience a bit of ED from time to time. He may start to avoid relations out of embarrassment, instead of being honest and getting some lifestyle and/or medical help for it and having a full intimate life.
Example: Being really tired may be affecting one or both. They can deny that it's a problem, and then wonder why performance issues exist, or they can be honest and work together to figure out how to make it better by scheduling relations earlier in the day, making time for sleep and exercise, checking iron levels, etc.
A Wife · 557 weeks ago
But, unfortunately, for many more than you would imagine, the opposite is true. There are many, many wives who are living the reality of husbands who either do not desire sex, or who desire it much less than they do. And every time they read a post like this, or in some other way hear again how men are always ready for sex , they are wounded again. The feelings of hurt and bewilderment - wondering what is wrong with them that their husbands do not desire frequent sex with them when they would gladly enjoy their marriage beds with their husbands.
As you can probably guess by now - I am one of those wives. And through my work with young mothers, and my extensive research on the internet, I know that I am far from alone.
Yes, porn or past abuse or medical issues can cause this, but sometimes there is no "issue" to pin it on. It just is what it is. And it hurts.
Because this is something that hits right at the heart of a women's femininity and sense of worth as a wife and lover, many women suffer in silence - never speaking up because really - there must be something wrong with you as a wife if your perfectly healthy husband does not desire sex as frequently as you do.
It would be great to see some acknowledgement of women who find this to be their reality - even if it is not an area you are familiar with and one that you can't advise on. Having the acknowledgement that this scenario exists will help women know that they are not alone, and maybe encourage them to seek counsel without feeling like freaks.
A Wife · 557 weeks ago
Firstly, we have never communicated in any way, and this is the first comment I have ever made on any marriage blog. Way to jump in the deep end!
Secondly, my marriage is now in a much better place than it was a few years ago. My husband's libido is lower than mine, but he does still desire me. (About 1x a week to my every second day). But we have walked a long path, including depression and chronic illness (which is now very well controlled). It is still hurtful at times, and having vastly different love languages doesn't help, but I believe we are both working hard to be the spouses the Lord desires us to be and that is a huge step in and of itself.
I do take care of myself well, and try to be as attractive as possible at all times and am blessed with a husband who sees and acknowledges my efforts, but who is not necessarily moved in a sexual way by them!
My main reason for posting was not for myself, so much, but for the many other women who have suffered in silence and who do not realise that they are not alone in this. When one does a search on sex in marriage, one generally lands up on websites and blogs such as this, and to find page after page of advice on how women should be available to their husbands and how to "get yourself in the mood" when you are already in the mood and then some, but your husband is not, is very demoralising.
I am a nurse practitioner who works with families in the early post natal period, and I do some counselling of young moms for my church, and I have found (as was my experience) that although it is normal for a women to have a very low libido in the first year after birth, there are some women who "pull their socks up" and decide to get it together as the baby gets older. They seek the Lord in helping them become wives who desire their husbands, and work hard at being as attractive as possible. They believe their husbands will be overjoyed and they brace themselves for sex every night (OK - I may be exaggerating, but you get the point), only to discover that their husbands are confused and perplexed, and not particularly thrilled to suddenly have a wife with a raging libido.
In other marriages, the husband has a lower libido right from the start. The young wife comes into marriage with the belief that men have higher drives and perhaps the counsel to "never say no", but finds that she never has even the opportunity to say "no". A young new bride faced with this embarrassing and confusing situation may feel too ashamed to confide in someone who knows her in real life, and so the internet is her only source of information.
As we both acknowledged - porn use and medical/lifestyle issues (depression and antidepressants, BP medication, stress, low testosterone, diabetes) can all be contributing factors, but sometimes they are not. Sometimes the woman's attitude or lack of personal care is the issue, but often in these situations by the time she seeks help she has already addressed many of these issues without a change in her husbands desire for her - in fact, in many instances, improvements on the wive's part are met with resistance from their husbands, who do not want to deal with the issue of their low libido.
I would love to see every blog/website that ministers to women in their sex lives and marriages at least acknowledge this issue, reassure them they are not alone, and point to some websites or resources that can be of help to them in their unique situation.
Thank you for taking the time to answer my comment in such detail. It's good to know there are people out there who do understand and who are willing to put finger to keyboard in support of all marriages, no matter the issues they face.
Ally Price · 550 weeks ago
Don't get me wrong, sex within spouses is a good thing, it should be a wonderful thing actually, but wouldn't it be better if you weren't pretending to enjoy it but rather actually enjoying it? It just seems to me that, the years pass in your marriage, you can look back on that time you share with him as a time of joy, not as a grit-your-teeth and do it type of thing. Sex is supposed to be a wonderful thing. It is NEVER supposed to be an obligation. EVER.
I've been reading some of your other posts, and I have some things that I want to tell you that whatever counselor that you were seeing SHOULD have told you. First of all, you are precious in every way. There is nothing you did to deserve having your husband belittle you in front of guests because he didn't give you enough time to prepare it by calling ahead of time . He should never have tried to control your food (um, what would he have done if you had tried to control his, btw?) the porn thing was not your fault. From what I've read of your posts, you've given 110% into that marriage and he should do the same. This is not one sided. It's not automatically your fault if something goes wrong. Since two people enter a marriage, two people have to give their all to make it work, it can never be one-sided.
I've read the verse you've put down below, and if you want to delete this comment please feel free to do so, but please just read it first. Admittedly, I'm not like the other women up there, and they'd probably try to offer several bible verses as a rebuttal. Regardless of which ones they'd use, I still stand by what I say. I'm not trying to patronize or divide anyone, all I'm trying to do is tell you how much value you have. You are perfect exactly as you are. If I had a chance I'd hug you.
africaturtle · 550 weeks ago