Always Learning: Desiring An Intimate And Passionate Marriage

Monday, June 2, 2014

Desiring An Intimate And Passionate Marriage

Most women deeply desire an intimate marriage full of passion, romance, and emotional connection. However, few realize that they are the one keeping their marriage from all these wonderful things.

Trying to control, manipulate, nag, and criticizing your husband produces the complete opposite type of marriage most women desire. When women treat their husbands like this, their husbands feel emasculated and like a child. They are being treated with no respect or honor. A husband will NEVER be drawn to a wife who treats him this way.

In order to have an intimate marriage with your husband, you must give up all control of your husband. You must allow him to make mistakes and say the wrong things without correcting his behavior. He is not your child. God made him your leader and calls you to respect him. This is the greatest need a husband has from his wife.

Why do we want to control our husband's behavior so badly? Is it really because we are so much wiser and intelligent than them? I think it all comes down to fear and trust but mostly selfishness. We fear if we let him eat what he wants, he will kill himself. If we let him discipline our sons the way he wants, our sons will grow up rebellious and injured. If we don't tell him how to do the dishes, the dishes may stay dirty and not get done the way we like. If we don't make him stop watching television, he may become an addict. If he watches the stock market, he may lose all our money. etc. etc.

Bottom line, we don't trust our husbands and we want our own way. As long as you don't trust your husband, you are going to try to control his behavior and you will NEVER have an intimate marriage. NEVER. Men don't want to be controlled by their wives. They aren't suppose to be controlled by their wives. You will never have a romantic and passionate husband as long as you try to control your husband with your words, emotions, or behavior.

Therefore, as an older woman, I encourage and admonish you to stop controlling your husband in ANY way. Allow him to make mistakes and learn from them. Only say encouraging and uplifting things to him. Build him up. Smile at him often and I can guarantee you that you are on your way to having an intimate, romantic, and passionate marriage. God knew this and this is why He commanded me to teach you to love and obey your husband. Now, go love your husband!

My lover is mine, and I am his.
Song Of Solomon 2:16

Comments (45)

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Becky · 564 weeks ago

Thank you for this-I am very convicted. I have been married 35 years and still need reminding:)

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Cynthia · 564 weeks ago

I agree with everything, except for the part about discipline and the stock market.

First - if I thought that my husband would ever injure my children, I wouldn't be married to him! That sort of thinking would be a sign that something was very, very wrong. If, however, things were bad enough that I needed to intervene, I would do so (if possible, in a discreet way). My husband is responsible for himself, but I'm also responsible for my children.

Second - if a family's budget allocates an allowance for each spouse, then how one spouse uses their allowance is their own business. If the money is family money needed for necessities, though, investments should be a joint decision. At that point, it's not about respecting his right to control his life as an adult, it's about the financial well-being of the entire family. If they have decided that the wife will not work outside the home and that she'll care for the children and take care of the home so that the husband is free to work, then his income is really their income.

5 replies · active 564 weeks ago

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Love being his wife · 564 weeks ago

What happens if the Hubby gives the money matters over to his wife?

3 replies · active 564 weeks ago

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Sadie Grace · 564 weeks ago

Even if my husband were to make a horrific investment choice and lose all our money, that's not my place to take control. Even if we lost everything due to a financial decision he made, it's not my place to take control. I made a vow, for richer or poorer. Sometimes, I think that the best way to learn is to endure hardship and consequences of our actions! If a man who is taking his role seriously, loses everything, then he'll probably be very cautious to not do it again. Placing more value on the financial stability of the 'family' than the job of honoring our husbands seems to be ignoring Jesus teaching in Matthew 6:19 (do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. Instead store up for yourselves treasure in heaven where moths and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.)

Are we placing more importance on the things of this world, or the things of God? If my husband lost everything tomorrow, then we'd start a new adventure. The things of this world don't matter. Yes, I do like my security, but I know that the things of God (obeying him) are SO much more valuable than the things of this world.

2 replies · active 564 weeks ago

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Kathy · 564 weeks ago

You hit the nail on the head, so to speak. I share this coming from my second marriage. Lori is exactly right on all of this. I was guilty of thus stuff for years in my first marriage. When I somehow was able to follow what she is trying to share her things were much better. Without getting into the long story I am here in my second marriage and found myself falling right back into the controlling. THANK GOD, I have a husband now that has been able to let me know how that makes him feel. I'm also very thankful that we have had a counselor that he and I have been willing to listen to and work on some of the changes that needed to happen with the both of us.
I'm grateful for the husband I have now. There have definitely been times I've wondered what life would have been had I been reading things like Lori tries so hard to share, and made the changes that were needed with the first. I know one thing for sure, there would have been much heartache spared for many.
Incredibly grateful we have a God of second chances., and people like Lori who are trying to make a difference in marriages.

1 reply · active 564 weeks ago

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Rhiannon · 564 weeks ago

I agree that a lot of the problems stem from trouble trusting someone else more than we trust ourselves. Sometimes it isn't hard to do that--I don't have trouble trusting that the doctor will be able to figure out what is making my child sick better than I can. However, with our sons for example we have to trust that our husbands know how to raise them better than we do! This is a very difficult thing to give up--we are their mothers! God gave them to us to bond with and love and raise up. Yet despite all that, have to trust that at the end of the day we aren't the best teacher for our sons and that is difficult. It can and must be done however which is why God commanded us to do so in the Bible.

Giving some benefit of the doubt to women though, I think some of the problem (for the more home oriented things you listed) stems not from lack of trust but lack of time. When a woman is caring for her home all day and caring for children--constantly correcting, chastening, and teaching children about how to do chores and do them correctly, eat properly, etc. she just isn't able to switch out of that mode immediately when talking to her husband and so continues to correct and chasten someone who she has no business doing that to. Does she need to make more of an effort and learn to do so? Yes! But I don't always think the problem is lack of trust, sometimes it's just that she's been doing that with her children all day and doesn't realize she's talking the same way to her husband.

1 reply · active 564 weeks ago

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Love being his wife · 564 weeks ago

Lori, do you believe it is just the fathers job to bring up the boys in the family?

10 replies · active 564 weeks ago

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Genny Ower · 564 weeks ago

"Control" is a huge issue in human relationships. We might ask "Why?" do we have the need to control......arrogance, lack of respect, fear, failure to trust.......I think we need to look at Jesus, and how He "controlled" others. He is, in the final analysis, the way, the truth, and the life.

1 reply · active 564 weeks ago

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Sunflower · 564 weeks ago

I agree with most of what was said. I, too, wonder your thoughts when you are in a situation where you've been given all control of the money, he refuses to discuss budget with you but gets mad at you when the answers you do give to him (on the rare occasions he asks) aren't what he likes.
That is the main area that I've struggled with. There are many areas I've given up that will ever change. We don't have tv. But my husband lives on the internet when he is home from work. Our house is falling down around us and it takes a crisis for him to do anything about it. I've kept my mouth shut about it, done what things I'm able to do and prayed and let the chips fall where they may. I'm often asked why I didn't say something to him about what needed to be fixed as he often forgets I mention it once but then I don't feel right about saying anymore. This is out of my hands and in Gods. But it is hard to live with especially when the blame for all things going wrong is passed right back to you. I do the best I can to make sure he has as little as possible to do and that is at his request. I don't mind the work and I want him to have as little as possible to do. However, that doesn't keep it from being frustrating and hurtful to hear the negative comments. I still keep my mouth shut though. Nagging will definitely change nothing and if anything it builds up my non stop prayer-ability.

1 reply · active 564 weeks ago

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Love being his wife. · 564 weeks ago

Ken what you have written here is nothing short of wonderful and amazing to me. I so wish someone had given me this advice it would of help me to know I was doing the right thing for my family.

Right now I am so tired and sadly not well my doctor gave some medication for my back that has clashed with 3 of my heart medications; I am okay but please keep me in your prayers as I am in dreadful pain right now and feeling very sick!
Time will fix it but right now I am not so good.
Thanks for prayer!

I will post tomorrow our story of what has happened to Sunflower and how we dealt with it!

1 reply · active 564 weeks ago

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Diane · 564 weeks ago

Great post Lori, I had a wonderful mentor back when I was a young wife. She told me that if I back off and leave my husband to God, he can intervene. Many times wives think they are the "holy spirit" and seem to think they can convict their husbands to change.. That is Satans' lie. He wants us to intervene so he can see contention in our homes. Wives back off and let God do the work. We can trust him to get it right. He made us and loves us.

1 reply · active 564 weeks ago

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Lady Virtue · 564 weeks ago

Well, after reading this post, I can only say two things:
1) Ouch!
2) I needed to hear this.

The truth is hard to hear sometimes, but nonetheless necessary. Thanks.

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Lisa notes 103p · 564 weeks ago

"In order to have an intimate marriage with your husband, you must give up all control of your husband."
This is so true. We don't have the power to control or change anyone. We can speak up for what we want/need, but that's it. It's a hard life lesson to learn, but the sooner we do, the happier everyone is. Thanks for sharing this, Lori.

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Kim · 564 weeks ago

After 21 years, I gave up on intimacy. I just wanted functioning. I discarded every shred of church monetary advice. After I was tired of spending hours on financial data entry, exasperated with hime ignoring the data, tired of visiting soup kitchen for groceries so the kids and I didn't starve, I just stopped. I took the money away from his reach, and that woke him up. Now, we have "funds" for every major expense, bill, and monetary responsibility; every "honey, I would like to..." becomes a savings goal; I no longer bite my nails or have headaches about money, and he is more aware of how his actions determine our reactions. The negative energy is now positive, and it shows on our faces, in our voice, and on our outlook.

You touch on this subject quite a bit, and each time I become more baffled. Sitting around with hunger pangs, listening to my kids asking for food, trying to find another soup kitchen, is obviously something you haven't had to deal with. I know my experience is extreme, but the idea that women are to wait for something to fall upon their heads just doesn't work. A young wife at church keeps coming to me with problems that sound similar to mine and I'm telling my tactics.

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JulieAnnV86 27p · 564 weeks ago

I may joke that my husband is more like a kid when it comes to eating--when we would have dinner with family I'd say, "The adults can have taco salad and my husband and the kids will eat hot dogs."
But I feel strongly that my husband is an adult and I should treat him that way (even if he likes hot dogs more than taco salad. Ha.)
This doesn't mean that I never have a say in what he does, but it means that I don't nag him into doing what is right. I can still tell him when I want things to change, but we do it as equals, rather than a mom who knows everyone talking to a teenage boy. And sometimes things change, while other times they stay the same. I don't know everything.
I for one am so glad I married an adult instead of a kid.
Thanks for your article. Whenever I feel the urge to nag, or complain about him to my friends, this will help me remember to stop it.
I found you on We Are THAT Family.

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Alissa · 564 weeks ago

I agree with this complete, particularly the part about us letting fear and selfishness be our guides in how we treat our husbands, instead of trusting them and MOST OF ALL God. It is God that asks us to submit to our husbands, with the understanding that submissiveness is about attitude, not just action. :)

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hisfirefly 20p · 564 weeks ago

brilliant!
we must let go
leave our loves in God's capable hand
trusting that He will do what is best for both of us!

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Ritter Standley · 564 weeks ago

It is generally difficult for women to let go of control, IMO. But you emphasized a great point. We should trust, for without trust.. there is no love. I think that we should be there for each other to guide and understand. To listen and comfort, but not control and manipulate. I totally agree with you on this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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Erin · 564 weeks ago

Lori- Thank you for the wisdom you are putting out there. I really needed to hear this this morning. I read this when I woke up and it hit me why the intimacy isnt as strong lately because we had got in a fight where we were both thinking we were right and I had to get the last word and wouldn't shut up with my opinion. That happened a couple days ago and there is a lack of intimacy because of it. I read your other post about Command men and he is a manager at a store and definitely a command man. People in the past have seen me being submissive to my husband and they don't get it because he can be rude and mean and make bad choices. I've learned though to not be his mom and to respect and honor God by honoring and respecting him. I've put more trust in God by doing this and since doing things this way he has become such a wonderful husband and man. I'm seeing the verse lived out "win him over without a word" When I back off and trust God I get such amazing results I don't know why I keep forgetting and argue and fight for control! Thanks again for reminding me to let go and let him make mistakes if he will, and trust God with the outcome of all. I'd rather be in a loving happy marriage with mistakes and mess ups than trying to parent and control my husband killing off all intimacy and romance...:)

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