Saturday, August 16, 2014

Requiring Husbands to Help Around The Home


My mom married my dad when she was 21 years old.  Shortly after I was born, she had to leave her home and family to move to California where my dad was in medical school.  She raised all three of us without any family or help from my dad.  I have heard her admit how difficult it was to leave her family but I never heard her complain about my dad not helping her with the home or children.

We have a ton of appliances and items that make being a homemaker so much easier than women did many years ago.  We have dishwashers, ovens, running water, hot water, vacuums, iron, electricity, lights, etc. that women of long ago didn't have.  My mom had all of these modern conveniences and was very thankful.  What has happened to women today?

I expected Ken to help me around the house and was often mad at him if he didn't.  He was working and traveling many hours and days a year to make a living for our family and I still expected more from him.  Why is that?  How come we expect so much more from our husbands than our mothers and grandmothers did?

I believe it is the feminist movement that has tried to convince us that male and female roles are the same.  Women should help be providers and men should help being keepers at home.  Many women were convinced that working outside the home is more fulfilling, so they left the home and expected their husbands to help pick up the slack of being gone from the home so many hours a day.

God specifically commanded women to be keepers at home and to guide the home.  Men are to be the protectors and providers of the home.  This is His ideal situation.  We must strive towards His ideal because His ways are always best. Yes, the years when the children are young are long and difficult, but God always seems to give us the strength we need for each day and what He has called for us to do.

Now, like I have said before, if your husband helps around the home and with the children, GREAT!  If not, love, serve, and please him any ways and thank him consistently for working so hard for you and your children.  They have to work for many more years than you have to be a mother with children at home.  The early years pass quickly and children want and need a peaceful home where mom and dad love each other deeply.  Work hard giving this to them and be content with your ministry in the home.  It is your high calling from God.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, 
and eateth not the bread of idleness.
Proverbs 31:27

Comments (15)

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I am home all of the time so I can look after the house. It is good to be able to do a variety of things, so now I am also learning to use power tools. It is good for men to know how to do some of the tasks inside, in case of sickness, etc. Who said mowing the lawn was the husband's job? Help each other and mostly its much more fun to work together. I see our married daughters weeding, cleaning the cars and helping in which ever way they can.
And what if I'm working full time, leaving home at 6:45 am coming home at 9 pm? I have double salary comparing to my husband. He is not happy with my late returns home, but at the same time, he doesn't want me to change the job. I suggested I find something not so demanding for less money, and he completely refused. He wants both the money and clean home and warm supper. No idea how should I achieve that.
Terry
7 replies · active 554 weeks ago
Terry, I am sorry you are stuck in this position. Every situation is individual when it comes to something like this and without knowing how you two sort out issues it's a little hard to say "this will work". I have always worked from home since our children arrived (20years) and my husband wanted me to keep some flow of income coming in while even homeschooling our children. Sometimes the burden was so big that I felt I would be crushed. I learnt to make every moment count, train my children to cook and clean. I eventually was able to afford a domestic cleaner which really helped. But I couldn't continue for more than a couple of years like that especially when the kids hit high school studies. It was then that I sat down and quietly appealed to him that I could back off on the online work so that I could better serve him and the children. I was tired all the time not able to meet his or their needs. The house was clean, meals were always on time but I was depleted. I went into the conversation praying and my husband noted my exhaustion and we came up with a plan so that we didn't need my income, cut back on expenses and extra murals and helped me regain my peace. I can only encourage you to pray and fast and approach your man with a humble heart if you desire to make the change. Our God is mighty, He can change your situation too.
Dear Wendy, thank you so much for understanding and encouragement! I fully agree with the Biblical concept of the man being the provider and woman his helpmeet and care taker. It's just so unusual in our culture (Europe), that my hubby looks at it like I don't want to work and just want to stay in the comfort of home and do nothing all day. But your advice is very much in place - I often forget to bring this issue to God, while He is indeed the only one who can solve it. Because, how in the world can I change the heart of another person, even if he is my husband? Thank you for the reminder :) God bless you.
So glad I could help, Terry. X
I would recommend making a sales pitch for you to stay home (or at least work part-time rather than full-time). The household runs better when the wife is home taking care of things. Make a plan of how this can work, including details of how you will pay the bills on the money you will have (with primarily his salary). Point out the savings involved in making home-cooked meals from scratch (and the health benefits), driving fewer miles, doing childcare yourself, couponing, etc. Point out the benefits of having a wife at home, keeping the house clean, taking care of family logistics (paying bills, scheduling activities, etc), spending time teaching and training children, and being more rested and available for sex (big sales point there). If you have a plan in place to get there and a solid idea of how it would work, even if you can't do it right now, your husband is more likely to listen and take it seriously. The idea of you not working or cutting back work hours might initially sound like something you can't do, but a detailed plan and budget may change his mind.

If your husband insists that you continue to work this job outside the home, I don't think it's fair for him to expect you to also do all the household chores and make meals. You're not a robot to do all the work. You have limitations. Thus, your husband is going to have to choose whether he wants a clean house and home-cooked meals or a working wife. Do what you can, but you may not be able to do it all. If your husband wants your help in bringing in income, he is going to have to pitch in and do some household chores. You can't do all the "women's work" AND the "man's work" too.
Terry,
Sounds like you need a housekeeper. Perhaps when your husband sees how much that costs, he'll reconsider whether you need to work such a high paying and demanding job. Men have also been raised with feminism so they expect working wives. They sometimes forget that everything is a trade off. Working wife means she either needs help from him or help from a housekeeper. You can't have your cake and eat it too. :( This a place for boundaries.
I am in the same boat Terry. I believe in the God given roles but, while my husband is quick to agree that I am to be the keeper of the home, he doesn't agree that he should be the sole provider. To add to this he chooses to work part time and won't help around the house or allow for a maid which we could easily afford. I have been working hard to be respectful out of obedience to The Lord but I fall off the wagon often and succumb to bitterness. I never in a million years imagined myself in such a lonely, exhausting marriage.
Annon, I am so sorry you are in this lonely exhausting place. I understand. Can I please point you to two scriptures to meditate on Isaiah 26:3 and then a longer portion to see how close Christ is to you in your suffering 1Peter2:18-3:6. With love.
sheila payne's avatar

sheila payne · 554 weeks ago

Exactly right, Lori. I have often noticed how much better it is to be a stay at home wife/mom and be totally at peace with my role as keeper of the home. It makes me so appreciative of what my husband's role is as provider. I am not constantly looking at him as someone that needs to help me around the house . Instead I see him as someone I want to take care of before he goes back out there to provide. It is a wonderful home environment when the man is the provider and the wife is the keeper of the home.
Good article Lori. "I believe it is the feminist movement that has tried to convince us that male and female roles are the same." To me this is the key to so much confusion, anger and discontent within the home. The loss of the scripture based male and female roles is prevalent today - even within the church. This "sameness" of the sexes creates exhausted, angry women. They don't have the time or energy to see the value of being the "weaker sex." And feminism thrives when men abdicate their role as protector and provider. But it is a sad day for femininity. I know women who say, "I can do anything a man can do." And the men smile and agree. But there is a higher, better standard that God gives us. Note: As always my heart goes out to the women who are in situations where they are doing it all. Hopefully in the future there will be a way that the expectations and demands on you lessen.
Hello, I feel that this has been such a struggle for the home and marriage. Really a role reversal. We can do it anyway we want, but only the way that is mapped out in scripture really flows and gives us a true picture and model that the Lord had in mind for the family!
Women are the Home keepers
Men are the providers and provision for safety
I think a man should be able to help or not help, it is really a heart issue for most!
Needing help is another story, My Hubby is willing to do the heavy stuff for me!
He tells me well its my home also!
This was very well written, Thank you!
I never asked my husband to do housework, but he often did things like clean the windows and scrub the oven for me. Now that he has retired he vacuums the house (a task he really enjoys and it has become a scientific experiment of how much dust he can pick up) and only the other day stream cleaned the shower for me. None of these things I ask of him, he just does them.

I taught my sons how to clean as I think it is a skill they do need to know and my eldest often helps his wife. My dad is now alone (in his 80s) and he cooks and cleans and very good at them and quite enjoys these tasks.
Why lump children and housework together? To me, these are very different.

As I've said before, a toilet does not care who is scrubbing it. Children, however, NEED their fathers! Children are not just sources of work. They are precious souls entrusted to us by God, and they need the guidance of their parents. A husband who works all day may not be able to spend as much time with the children as a wife does if she stays at home, but a good father will look for opportunities to be with his kids when he is available.

100 years ago, most men didn't commute to jobs away from the home. It wasn't until 1920 that more Americans lived in cities than on farms. The work on a family farm was hard, but children would have seen their fathers and often worked along side of him.
Thank you for this post and the one you posted on Facebook! I am grateful for my wife and mother role and appreciate all that my husband does for our family. Thank you for stating what many of us women feel, despite what the media would like us to believe.

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