As a former teacher, a common question I {TheJoyFilledWife} am often asked by other parents is how early I think children should be enrolled in preschool in order to have an academic and social advantage in the years to come. In almost every instance, parents are dumbfounded when I tell them that attending preschool is not the preparatory step that will launch their children into educational and social success. Most children, whether they attend preschool or not, are on academically similar levels once they enter Kindergarten age. To be honest, the children I’ve seen with the academic and social advantages over the years are the those who spend the most quality time with their parents and family members reading books, using their imaginations, learning to serve, and having meaningful conversations. These experiences build confidence, impart wisdom, and increase a child’s mental and emotional capacity. Emphasize Bible teaching, listen to lots of music, and incorporate plenty of physical play time, and you will almost assuredly see a marked difference in a child’s capacity and performance.
For those of you who are pondering ways to provide your
children with meaningful social interactions that will help build confidence
and social skills, it should bring you a sigh of relief to know that there
doesn’t have to be any formality to your child’s training in order for it to be
effective. When I’m out with my children and other adults ask me how my kids
are so friendly and able to carry on intelligent conversations with adults,
it’s not because they have naturally social personalities or because they’ve
taken any courses in conversing. It’s simply the byproduct of intentionally
using our day to day errands and interactions to engage with others, ask
questions, have meaningful conversations, and make an effort to brighten the
day of whomever we come into contact with. Our children know that each of us is
a walking example of Christ’s forgiveness and love and we strive to emulate
that to each person God puts in our path throughout the day.
My husband and I do not allow our children to act shy,
ignore, or be unresponsive to those around them. Each person we come into contact with is
deserving of a pleasant smile, a thoughtful answer, or a sincere compliment.
Just like any habit we develop, it doesn’t always come easy at first, but we
soon find it enjoyable as we see how even the smallest acts of kindness can
make a big difference to a world full of hurting people who long to know that
their life truly matters to someone. What an opportunity we have as parents and
believers in Christ to help our precious children cultivate a heart for others
and come to see the value in each and every person we meet!
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Colossians 3:12
picture source
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Colossians 3:12
picture source
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Amy · 522 weeks ago
However, I can also spot children who have had very little interactions in groups of other people, whether through preschool, church, library story time, etc. Those children don't know how to take turns, wait for an appropriate time to comment, or follow group norms in some cases. Also, kindergarten is very fast paced today, and children who have not begun to learn the alphabet, numbers, etc. when they enter a kindergarten classroom will be seen as "behind". There are many factors that determine whether they will "catch up", but parents should be aware that many children are learning letters and sounds, counting, and simple math in preschool. It is perfectly fine to forego preschool, of course. I'm not advocating for mandatory preschool by any means! And, obviously, all of this is rendered moot if parents choose to homeschool and meet their children's individual needs. For those choosing public or even private schooling, however, I think it's important to be aware that the expectations of kindergarten have changed quite a bit over the years. Whether or not you agree with that shift doesn't change the fact that it's the reality.
On another note, I would urge parents to use caution in forcing children to converse with others. As an introvert myself, being forced to talk with people that I didn't know would have been very traumatic for me as a child. I understand not allowing children to be rude by not answering a direct question, and I understand asking children to say hello/good bye and other basic social niceties. Practicing in the home is a good idea and will help when the situation arises, but if a child has difficulty in the actual moment, I personally would choose grace over punishment, particularly with an introverted child.
I wish parents would recognize the influence they have in helping their children develop socially, academically, and spiritually. It's fine to send your child to preschool or Sunday school (in my opinion), but when it comes down to it, it's the influence in the home that wins out almost every time.
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 522 weeks ago
You're right that the influence in the home makes a bigger impact than parents realize. When I was teaching, I found myself constantly urging the parents to reinforce principles and to be truly present in their child's life. Lack of parental participation and/or standards upheld was usually the culprit behind unruly or withdrawn children. There was either little adult interaction at home or else the parents simply required too little of their children.
There was a child I had in my class for a few years who was wonderfully artistic, but very emotionally immature and struggled to comprehend most things she was taught academically. She grew up in a wealthy family of two high-powered attorneys and had a sibling to play with at home. She was by far one of the most academically and socially "behind" children in my class, despite having attended preschool since age 2 and having been given every academic training possible. Turns out that mommy and daddy were “too busy” to interact much with their children and because that led to children who were unruly or sought attention through whining, they would just plop their children in front of the television when they got home so they wouldn’t have to deal with them.
I would always encourage parents to work on numbers, letters, and reading at home with their children, of course! However, I have seen too many children go from knowing very little before Kindergarten to being highest ranking in their class to believe that their academic foreknowledge is crucial at such a young age in order to succeed. I'm a big proponent of homeschooling, so the fact that there is standardized classroom learning for children who were created to all learn and comprehend at different paces and stages has always seemed a bit nonsensical to me.Children are mentally "ready" at different times in different subjects and sometimes the “late bloomers” have actually done better in the long run because they were not burned out and were excited for what they were ready to grasp. One of my siblings is a perfect example of this because they were a VERY late reader. They simply did not have reading readiness, nor the patience to develop it at the normal reading age. Once they were ready to read, however, they soared years ahead of others their age with their reading capabilities. To this day, they have much a much deeper comprehension level than most other adults out there.
Regarding socializing children, I, myself, was a painfully shy child. Most of what is behind a child’s shyness is fear of others and lack of confidence. Fear and faith cannot coexist, as we see in the Scriptures. Since the Word of God says that we have not been given a spirit of fear, as parents, we must make sure we are not enabling our children to cultivate or feed the fear in their hearts. Action conquers fear. Being introverted (a thinker rather than a verbalizer) is different than being shy/fearful/intimidated. Some children are going to take to socializing a whole lot easier than others and it’s perfectly okay for some children to talk more than others. However, we don’t want to unintentionally sabotage their growth and the overcoming of the destruction of fear in their hearts by excusing it. My parents didn’t push me to have huge, long conversations with others when I was small, but I was required to give a thoughtful reply to any questions that others asked of me and to engage in polite, brief conversation in the beginning if someone approached me. Just like anything else, it was a painstaking process for many years. However, I would not have all the people skills and success I have today (including speaking in front of thousands of people) if my parents had not been diligent to require me to take my eyes off of myself and focus on how I can impact others around me. I will forever be grateful to them for doing that and I have seen the incredible impact that same standard is having on my own children (some of whom are introverted by nature as well).
Amy · 522 weeks ago
As far as socializing, I believe after reading your response to me that we are talking about at least slightly different things. I agree that introversion and shyness are different, so that is not new information to me. I really just want you to consider that there might be other factors than fear and lack of faith or disobedience in a child who has trouble conversing with others, if not for your own children (and it sounds like your children don't have difficulty at this point in time) than at least for the children of other parents. But you seem to have this figured out, so it makes it hard to look at from other perspectives. I'm glad that your methods are working for you, and it sounds like you have lovely children. I do take exception to being subtly accused of encouraging selfish behavior, however. Nothing could be further from the truth for me, and I have put much effort into teaching my own extremely extroverted child to be okay with not being the center of attention, which is the other end of the spectrum of selfish social behavior. I am pleased to say that my child can converse with anyone (adults, older or younger children alike) about anything. As I said before, most of what children exhibit is directly learned from the home, and the way parents model appropriate behavior is extremely powerful.
Amy · 522 weeks ago
thejoyfilledwife 62p · 522 weeks ago
Sometimes the trouble with written text is that you can't see facial expressions or tone of voice so it can be easy to misunderstand their heart. I hoped to convey to you my agreement with many things you expressed so articulately by starting my reply off with telling you that I definitely agreed with what you said about home environment in particular. I thought you described how I feel about that subject very much and appreciated that perspective.
Regarding academic readiness, I was sharing just a couple real life stories of how I came to realize that the real recipe for success is a rich home environment, which I know you and I have both seen time and time again through our years of teaching. I don't disagree with you that the standards for Kindergarten may have changed, but I explained that I have always believed that homeschooling is the best option for children and that I find the education system to be lacking in so many ways (I know we both agree on this, too, and especially regarding politicians). Although there may be options out there for children who learn at a different pace, I don't see them as having been successful enough to solve the problem. I interview many professional candidates on a weekly basis for my husband's company and I can tell you firsthand that most adults lack critical thinking skills and the ability to articulate basic concepts. I'm often caught off-guard by the way some candidates with even Master's degrees communicate so ineffectively and lack common sense. We are seeing what being a product of the system seem to produce in the majority of individuals. Not all, of course, but most of them.
In regards to socialization, I mentioned shyness versus being an introvert just to clarify that I don't think there's anything wrong with being quieter by nature, but that I consider that different than children who don't respond to others out of fear or rudeness. Absolutely there can be children who have handicaps beyond their control, but I was really just referring to perfectly healthy children who have never been required to get out of their comfort zone and learn to think of others. I think it's great that you work with your introverted child on being more comfortable socializing, while still valuing them for who they are! Just the fact that you are putting in effort with your child sets you apart from many other parents today and I hope your child knows how blessed they are to have such a caring parent.
Lori Alexander 122p · 522 weeks ago
Amy · 522 weeks ago
Katie · 522 weeks ago