Tuesday, March 24, 2015

What Do You Wish Your Parents Did Differently?


In the chat room, I asked the women, "If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?" Not ONE woman said that she wished her mom had a career and worked more from outside the home so they could have more stuff. Not one said they wished they had more fast food and came home to an empty home. Not one wished her parents would have gotten divorced.

Many shared how they wished their mom taught them how to cook and clean. Some wished their mom was home more and gave them more chores to learn responsibility. They wish their parents got along better and didn't argue. Some would have loved being raised in a Christian home. Here are some of the comments in their own words. {I removed their names to protect their privacy.} May we learn from them!

I was never made to do anything; never had chores or had to clean anything. Anytime I was told to clean my room or something, if I didn't do it, mom would do it for me. Never was punished or made to do anything. Learning to keep my house clean was a huge challenge for me. Still is.

I wish I would have learned to cook more, too. I pretty much had to teach myself. I have a lot of the same struggles.

My parents prioritized high grades over keeping my room clean, chores, and cooking. Great idea for raising an independent woman; not so great for training as a future stay-at-home mom. I didn't even know how to make pancakes from a box mix when I got married! I also wished I would have learned to sew while I lived at home and could ask my mom.

I wish my mom had taught me how to keep a home. She didn't ever teach me how to cook, clean, sew or anything. She didn't know how to do any of these things herself, so I grew up in a filthy home and eating TV dinners the majority of the time.

That they were more demonstrative with their love; meaning hugs and kisses. That dad was more of the leader of the family in certain areas.

I wish my mom would've been at home. Both my parents worked two jobs a piece until I was in high school. I was left to fend for myself while my little sister was in daycare. Children shouldn't be responsible for raising themselves.

That my parents had a second child and raised me in church.

To be raised in a Christian home and taught about Christ. Although my parents were/are awesome, they weren't Christian. I didn't get saved until about 4 years ago and didn't regularly go to church until around that time either.

I wish we had healthier meals. We ate too much fast food as we were always busy. Also, I wish I was allowed to be a kid more, instead of being forced to take sides in my parent's disagreements.

Are there some things you wish your parents did differently while raising you? It is good to learn from other's mistakes so we don't make the same while raising our children!

That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing,
 being fruitful in every good work, 
and increasing in the knowledge of God.
Colossians 1:10

Comments (19)

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wow! Thanks for posting. So eye opening, and confirming of some of my own thoughts, to know they are valid. I had a stepmom who I honestly wish would've worked. haha! But, I know, had I been in a daycare, I would've said it would've been better if I got to stay home with my stepmom. She was really mean to me, but I guess I know being with her 24/7 let me know what the deal was and I can probably heal better realizing that factor of one more "what if" was eliminated. But I totally agree about wishing I was taught more chores at home (stepmom did everything for me and got angry when I even attempted to do anything myself because it was wrong...funny because in real life nobody does it for you!). I have several friends who grew up with working mothers and fathers. Now, they don't want to cook for their families. They choose take-out often, or frozen meals of some sort. Even if you eat "healthy" take-out I still don't think the nourishment compares to a home cooked meal. No matter what path you choose, successful career, or stay-at-home mom, somebody's going to have to feed the family and take care of the laundry, house cleaning, etc. ! Those skills should be crucial no matter what type of house you live in. They're basic survival skills. Reminds me of my old roommate's boyfriend who lived with us. I grew up in a home, where my daddy wasn't an expert mechanic, but he definitely knew how to take care of my car for me, and taught me how to change a tire, oil, etc. I was stranded in a big city, hardly knowing anyone, in my first job out of college. I simply asked the roommate's boyfriend to look at my car that wouldn't start, and he a) didn't even attempt to get up to take a look at it and b) said, "I've never had to work on my own car, I just take it to the shop." It made me so angry to think there are really people out there who a) don't know how to take care of basic needs and b) have zero interest in even looking to learn how to do it! I was shocked. Even if you don't know how to do it, the lack of interest in figuring out how to do it amazes me with my generation. They just expect they'll always have someone there taking care of the basics because, yes, fortunately we have that luxury here in the United States. But, one day it may not be a luxury, and your children need to know how to function with these basic necessities, for the times they start out working and saving up for the luxurious lifestyle of the "house cleaner", "in-house chef", auto-mechanic, etc. Because maybe that's their goal, is to be rich enough to not have to perform basic necessities, but there are very few "rich" people who don't count all their pennies, and most of them you wouldn't know they are rich because they do whatever they can by themselves, to save money! True story! You want the rich lifestyle (aka: having everyone do something for you), but you don't have the basics to even get there. But also, according to all that you teach, we should desire to do God's will with our lives which for most moms it is staying at home and being tenders of the house. Anyway, sorry for my long-winded post. But it kind of seemed to go hand-in-hand with what you were talking about. God bless!!
1 reply · active 522 weeks ago
Great thoughts! Thank you! It reminded me of Chad, the new husband of one of the Bates' daughters {they have 19 children and are on TV like the Duggars}. He can do everything! He was very well trained by his parents. All of the Bates' children rave about his skills. I made my boys change the oil in the car and take care of the yard when they were old enough too. I always loved the fact that Ken can fix anything around the home that I can't. Saves us a lot of money!
This is great. My husband and I were just talking about a debate he heard, whether being a stay at home mom is a job or a luxury. He couldn't believe it when I said I thought it was a luxury and I was blessed to stay home. Sure there are days when I long for some adult conversation or a nap but those wants never make me think handing over my kids for someone else to raise is the answer.
2 replies · active 522 weeks ago
The conversation with my children has always been more varied than it ever was at work, where it was mostly about what was on telly last night, who was going out with whom, and moaning about the drudgery of the job/ a bad boss.

Even very little children ask really interesting questions -- unless you park them in front of the telly all day, or never go out. Once you start home educating them, my goodness! It is soo interesting and challenging. Do I even need to mention the questions about spiritual things?
Thanks Shanon and Anthea! Yes, days are never boring raising children if you decide to enjoy your ministry of raising children and taking care of your home!
I wish my mother would've been more open with me about sex and purity, as well as periods etc. I had to find out a lot of this on my own and if I had known the truth it may have saved some trouble and heartache! She was very prudish when it came to talking about these subjects.
1 reply · active 522 weeks ago
We were intentionally very open with our children, Cori, since we wanted them to learn from us and not society!
Carolin Martens's avatar

Carolin Martens · 522 weeks ago

I wish I had had a better role model for a father. My dad was mentally abusive, and sick. Mom stayed home to care for him and raise 5 children. Although we were poor, we still had food. Clothing and shelter. Mom taught me to cook, sew and do things for yourself. To this day I am very self-sufficient.The one area I could have used more guidance in was dating. Unfortunately I married someone like my father without really realizing it. 3 girls later and single. I have gotten some therapy to help, and talk openly with my girls as to whom they might be seeking to marry later on. The pattern needed to stop with me. I am raising my girls the same as my mom did. They cook, sew, garden, unfortunately I work, at least out of home, so I am present for my girls after and before school. All in all I had a great childhood, mom is still an inspiration when I am bone tired, dead on my feet. I think of her and keep plugging along hoping if it is God;s will I will have a partner one day to lean on and count on each other, raising children and growing old together.
1 reply · active 522 weeks ago
It sounds like you were blessed with a wonderful mother, Carolin! Yes, raise your girls to only marry a man who is deeply rooted in the Lord and His ways.
Hmmm my parents weren't perfect, but I can't think of a whole lot I would want them to have done differently! This does make me want to be a better mom though, and keep in mind what my kids would say about me!
1 reply · active 522 weeks ago
It sure does, Tiffany! We've asked our children what they think we could have done differently. Thankfully, there weren't too many things!
My mom was not happily married and this came through in our family life. She also went to work when we were young. I remember my little brother, around 5 at the time, being chased by the man at whose home we were taken care at. He was yelling if he catched my brother he was going to kill him. Mom did say, years later, that when she picked us up from there we were always so quite. She quit work for a few more years. When she went back to work we were older but no more able to fend for ourselves properly. I did not like, as a teenager, coming home to a cold dark house after school. And I know we did not properly do chores or pick up because mom would come home from work, take one look around and start yelling. There was a lot of yelling in our house as we grew up. A lot of anger. I wish I could go back and be a more responsible help for her. My parents were very strict and for that I am eternally grateful! But like one poster....I wish mom had told me about what to expect as I grew up. Maybe because I started very early she had no idea it was coming. But seeing blood was very shocking and I just knew I was dying and she did not handle it well at that point.
I wish my parents had continued to attend church. But they stopped when I was about 12 and I faithfully found ways to get myself there every time the doors were open. Mainly for my younger sister and brother I wish that...they did not attend after my parents quit.
As far as we were and still are concerned our dad was great. We now see the flaws that we didn't as kids...but he was so involved in our lives and always had something for us to do. Mostly fun. He had been raised by great, hands on parents.
I do know that the things I experienced growing up...the good and the bad...have molded me into the mom I am. And though I am far from perfect I can look back at my childhood and pick the things that mom and dad did right for my child. And weed out the things I know were damaging to my siblings and me.
1 reply · active 522 weeks ago
Yes, Desiree, it's great when we can learn from mistakes of others so we don't have to make them ourselves. God sure watched over you during your turbulent childhood years.
Lady Virtue's avatar

Lady Virtue · 522 weeks ago

I wish my parents had had more children, so that I could have been exposed to and gained experience with babies and kids. My mom idolized education and worked while I was growing up (she also pressured me to go to college, which I further regret). It was hard coming home to an empty house and I watched way more TV than I should have. I don't think my parents said no to me enough; I had my own room with my own Sony Walkman) , TV, stereo, and later, CD player in there.

Most of all, though, I wish my parents had taught me to prioritize early marriage and encouraged me to have children in my youth. That could have saved me much heartbreak and loneliness during my long years in the desert of singleness.
1 reply · active 522 weeks ago
This brought tears to my eyes, Lady Virtue. Our whole society has suffered greatly since so many women fell for the feminist lie hook, line and sinker. There are many women just like you but God can still use you in a VERY mighty way. I can tell that you have a lot of godly wisdom so that you can teach younger women to not make the same mistakes you made. Imagine all the "grandchildren" you can have with this type of a ministry!
While they weren't perfect, I have very few complaints about my parents.

My mom had an excellent work-home balance. She was a lifeguard in high school and university (paid her own way), a school teacher before she had kids, at-home for preschool, a part time swim lesson instructor and lifeguard as well as a paid tutor while we were in younger grades, and then she returned to full time teaching when we were in our late teens. She is now retired and enjoys her grandkids. Through it all she kept fit and enjoyed outside interests by playing tennis and being on swim teams. We went camping every summer and enjoyed skiing in the winters.

I admire the way she always chose a life that suited her that also suited her children. Though I can say I was the kind of child that would have liked plenty more fast food, and a somewhat more time home alone to get up to mischief.

My 'wishes' that might have been different were that we were raised quite strictly with lower-than-average levels of warmth and high expectations. I think I would have liked a more attached relationship with my mom. As a child, I didn't "like" her very much. My dad was a heavy worker, and so we associated him with the "fun" times of life (vacations etc) not with the everyday -- which is a bit sad. I think if my dad had been a more active parent, I would probably have "liked" them both a lot more.
My parents really did a great job in bringing up my three brothers and I, but there were times I wished they hadn't been so strict! The fact that my mother worked never reduced what mum could do for us, so it was never an issue. In fact looking back, she really did so much for us that we took for granted. No complains from me - lovely childhood on a farm in the country surrounded by animals, fresh air, home cooked meals and more books than I could ever read. What more could you ask for.
After I read this post, I asked my 9-year old "What do you wish Mom did more of?" She didn't even think for a second as she answered "Stayed home!" Breaks my heart. I am getting a raise this week at work and it no longer means as much as it would've a few years ago. I'm literally counting the weeks until I can resign to become a SAHM.
I wish that after my parents divorced I had been able to live with my father instead of my mother, but that simply was not done that many years ago. My mother, while she claims to be a Christian, raised me to believe there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, abortion is perfectly fine in the first trimester, you don't need to believe Mary was a virgin or that Jesus actually rose form the dead, and you should pretty much ignore anything Paul wrote because he just wasn't very nice and didn't like women. I would have loved to have real Christian example.

My mother never seemed to care where I was or how late I stayed out, or with who. I never had a curfew. I remember waking up many a night at 2:00 am and wondering where she was. I know she had a hard time finding her way after her divorce, but I needed a mother, not a child to raise. The day my parents split up, I became the mother. I was 10.

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