After reading and pondering all the comments from yesterday's post, I have come to some more clarity in what I was trying to get across. Some
of you loved it and could relate to my thoughts and feelings before marriage
and others thought it wasn’t an accurate picture of marriage.
I was definitely attracted to Ken before we were married; I
simply didn’t have the passion or the butterflies. After almost 35 years of
marriage, I can see that these qualities don’t matter in the long run. I love
Ken deeply and even get emotional at times when I think about him. I’ll wake up
from a dream about not being married to him and see him lying next to me and think,
“Oh good! I am married to him!” Our love is rich and deep now. We love spending
time with each other and are closer than ever.
However, when I was growing up, I wasn’t the type of girl
who would cry at movies. I was jealous that my mom and sisters could cry so
easily. I wished I was more emotional. I wasn’t very affectionate either. I
didn’t like the idea of other people hugging me at all when I was young. During
high school, my friends would be “passionately” in love with their boyfriends
and when the break up occurred, they would be devastated. I was never like
that. I enjoyed the guys I dated but I never felt that head-over-heels in love
with them. Therefore, when I didn’t have that with Ken, I was so disappointed and
knew there must be something wrong with me.
There’s not! It’s just the way I am. It’s part of my
personality. I’m not emotional which is good in some ways; although I do cry
much easier now than I used to. {I actually sobbed during War Room.} Ken wishes
I’d be more affectionate so I try to be for him but it sure doesn’t come
naturally. I’m just not a passionate and emotional person; no matter how
hard I try!
God created us all differently with different gifts and
personalities. We’re all unique. Since I
wasn’t like the other emotional girls, it doesn’t mean I was bad or wrong. I love
my husband. I’m very committed to him. I’m so happy I married him and I’m still
happy to be married to him. There’s no one else I’ve ever wanted to be married
to.
One young woman I know very well, was “madly and
passionately in love” with this young man. She knew in her mind that he was
going to be difficult to be married to him but she didn’t care since she “loved”
him so much. She went through a devastating break up with him. Soon after, she
met another young man who she knew would be easy to be married to and had all
the qualities she wanted in a husband. She was attracted to him but didn’t feel
“madly and passionately in love” with him like she did the other man. She married
this man and many years later, she is SO happy she didn’t marry based upon her
feelings but on the right man for her. She deeply loves her husband.
Yesterday in the comment section, one woman wrote , “I don’t
know how it would’ve been to marry someone I wasn’t in love with.” I showed my
love to Ken by committing my life to him. I didn’t have butterflies but this
didn’t mean I didn’t love him since love is commitment. Plus, there is nowhere
in the Bible that commands that we be “in love” with who we marry; it commands
that we LOVE who we marry. This is where the confusion lies. I mentor women who
tell me they are no longer “in love” with their husband, so I teach them to LOVE
their husband instead.
So for all of you women who don’t have the giddy, passionate
and emotional love for your fiancé or husband, it’s okay. It’s not a sin to not
have those “feelings” but it is a sin to not love your husband once you have
married him.
Teach the young women to…love their husband.
Titus 2:3-5
***To those didn’t see the addition I wrote on Is Your Husband Your Best Friend?, I actually consider my husband WAY more to me than a best friend since he works his tail off for our family to provide for us; we share the same bed every night; we are one flesh; we are committed for life; we live and laugh together, etc. This is WAY better than being best friends!
***To those didn’t see the addition I wrote on Is Your Husband Your Best Friend?, I actually consider my husband WAY more to me than a best friend since he works his tail off for our family to provide for us; we share the same bed every night; we are one flesh; we are committed for life; we live and laugh together, etc. This is WAY better than being best friends!
Logging you in...
Becky · 498 weeks ago
Becky
Lady Virtue · 498 weeks ago
I think being "unemotional" can actually aid in making a better decision about marriage. Feelings tend to cloud the ability to think, reason, judge, and be objective according to Scripture. I used to be more emotional about men as a young, naive woman, but as I've grown in the Lord and chronologically, He has matured me beyond that, and I'm actually grateful to Him for doing so. I agree, too, that marrying someone and remaining committed to him is a very convicing demonstration of love, both toward the Lord, and one's husband.
helen · 498 weeks ago
oh yes!, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have never had an emotional personality that is up and down like a seesaw and people sometimes think that means I don't care!. Not true!.
I have never been the type to cry easily, though like you, I do cry more than I used to, though still very rare!. People say they appreciate the fact I am 'calm and together' as this is a 'resful' type of personality to be around.
My husband has family members and their wives are VERY emotional, throwing tantrums and dramatic making up afterwards. He can't bear this now and always says that he is so happy I am very level and calm and don't really suffer from highs and lows!.
Blessings
Helen UK
elspethbreathinggrace 46p · 498 weeks ago
I was a very serious person and not expecting to feel a swell of emotion for any man either, since it wasn't how I was bred (and perhaps not how I'm built. I don't cry at movies, or gush over babies, or pray loud, long drawn out prayers. But inexplicably, my feelings for my husband hit me like a lightning bolt. Go figure! Stuff happens.
I don't really think these traits have a whole lot to do with the subject of your post yesterday. My objection (and it was partial not total) was the idea that passionate feelings for one's spouse necessarily meant that there was an absence of a truer, Biblical love. I simply do not agree. You can have both, and it's not "twisted and perverted" unless you act on it to the exclusion of all else and make your marriage and its viability captive to the presence or absence of such feelings.
I'll go even further and say it's wrong to base any relationships or commitments we make on that. But God gave us our emotions. The Bible speaks eloquently and passionately about God's love for us, His zeal for us, His jealousy for us. To decide that because some people are more passionate than others, or that because some people abuse these gifts (and emotions are a gift in their proper place), that the ones others and experience and we don't are twisted and perverted is wrong.
lauraashley · 498 weeks ago
Katie · 498 weeks ago
We were gone for several days over Labor Day weekend to the Rocky Mountains. My husband and I took a couple of hikes, then they had lifts you could ride up the mountains (we stayed at a large cabin at a ski resort) and then slide down a concrete slide. It was so much fun, the scenery was beautiful, and my husband leaned over to kiss me but all I wanted to do was take in the scenery and enjoy it! But I choose to love him and kiss him back, and it made me grateful God has blessed me with him. It's okay that we are all different, as long as we are striving to please God and do His will by loving our husbands. When I choose to love him, my affection grows that much more. Like anything else, you just keep working at it!
AngelaT111213 21p · 498 weeks ago
The best friend post spot on, as well. I read it thinking, "yes, my husband is a great friend, but he's so much more than that. He's my partner, my ally, my counsel." And we have lots of laughs. I had the butterflies on my wedding day, but it was excitement for the new chapter we were starting together. I smile now just thinking about it. Thank you for the thoughtful posts!
Amy · 498 weeks ago
Maybe this will help. I have never conceived. I could go tell other women who have never conceived that being pregnant and giving birth is really not that great, it's not any kind of special experience, and you don't need to be pregnant to become a mother. I'd be partially right, but not completely, because the truth is being able to give birth is a big deal, and I have missed out on something. If I can acknowledge that I don't have something that other women can't imagine life without, then I can move on from there and learn to be content in my own life circumstances. But I have missed out! In that same way, women who have never experienced being in love with their husbands have missed out on something! It's not something that should end a marriage or cause someone to lament the rest of their days, but I think an acknowledgement of it can be very helpful to them and their marriage. It's also helpful for those of us who have marriages that include butterflies and tingly feelings, because we shouldn't be made to feel like what we have with our husbands is no big deal. Just some thoughts to ponder...
Nonya · 498 weeks ago
Rob · 498 weeks ago
My marriage struggles alot from time to time, but my love for Jesus has never been stronger.
You see what Terry was saying about passion confuses me alittle
I personally don't have a passion for Christ, i have a love for him!!
Maybe people have a passion say for a sport, baseball, football etc. but a love i don't know about that.
If you marry for the right reasons, trusting God has brought you together with someone he desires you to be with then how can you second guess. You see Christ doesnt make mistakes, we do. We give up way too easy on marriage. Maybe the harder your marriage gets the closer you should be with Christ!!
Is love an emotion, or is it real. To me love is real. My love for Christ is real and he commands me to love my wife and never to be harsh with her!!! When we have our arguments which i humbly admit we do my feelings can go all nutty sometimes,
But i love Christ and i trust him. He brought my wife into my life so who i am to second guess that!!! I may not always feel warm and fuzzy and she may not either,
But this life is about serving others and not challenging or second guessing what he has put in front of us
Lastly Christ suffered on the cross for us, i think we can go through rough patches in our marriage. Nothing compares to what Sacrifice he made, so the next we think about leaving out marriage for something better think twice you already have everything you need!!!!!!!!!!!
Diana · 498 weeks ago
Ken · 498 weeks ago
I can say that I was “in love with Lori” when I married her, and she was “in love with me.” But I also believe that we had discussed clearly together that our love would not be defined solely by emotions, as even in our short dating and engagement time together we both found that our emotions were a lot of fun and bliss at times, but also could easily deceive us.
The day before our wedding one of Lori’s best friends, who is still married today some 35 years later, came to her and really dissed on marriage making it look difficult and uninviting. She was in a fight with her husband of six months, and she was announcing to all the bridesmaids that marriage as not so great. Lori came to me with her list of concerns and I assured her that if indeed love was a commitment to seek the best interest of each other in good times and in bad, that we would through the laughter and the pain become as one, just as God intended.
If by passion one means a desire for sexual intimacy, Lori and I knew we had that kind of passion for each other. That part of “love” was a non-issue as we were both quite attracted to the other. Passion is not necessarily a negative thing in and of itself, for one can have a passion for God’s Word and a passion for godliness, but far too often men and women are carried away by their sinful passions because they are set on the flesh and not the Spirit. If the passion is set on the Spirit it is wonderful, but on fleshly things, it brings destruction. Too many want passion instead of true love, and when the passion fades, so does their love.
I knew that Lori would make a great Mom and wife, and yes, I wish that my somewhat unemotional wife could have processed a little sooner what it means to truly love her husband, respect him and be his helper. Unfortunately that requires vulnerabillity and trust that she was not readily giving out. Lori had learned to keep her emotions in check, making sure that the little girl inside was not too vulnerable, having seen hurt and pain in other relationships. It is my joy to now have a wife who is sold out now to me, and I to her, where we can be completely vulnerable, emotionally and spiritually, as we have become oneflesh, and no man will ever separate us.
Life is about choices, and to live a successful and God glorifying life one must make choices that God says are most important. There was nothing more important to me than finding an intelligent, articulate, gorgeous bride who can carry on an intellectually stimulating conversation about most subjects, especially God’s Word, and desires to apply it to her life. I knew she would make a fabulous Mom, and she has done the very best job possible. Now God has given me the wife of my dreams, and not much has changed except for a small shift in perspective in a willingness to love and accept me just as I am, warts and all. In that Iove I am able to be the husband God wants me to be, and we sure are having fun now harmoniously walking through life together and realizing that God has used us both to help make us into who He wants us both to be, and to become.
Ken · 498 weeks ago
Lori did share her thoughts with me that she was concerned if we could move forward with marriage because we saw life so differently, and especially health food so differently. The crux of our issue really boiled down to healthy eating issues and other perspectives on life. I was a junk food junkie and she was a health nut. She wanted to load up on fruits and vegies and vitamins, which I was not opposed to, but I wanted my Big Macs and Pizzas too... and she struggled each time I put sugar or junk into my system.
So this was in my mind a root issue that we had to work through, but the balance of our life and love, our walk with Jesus was all intact. And right before we got married was not the first time this had come up, and we worked through it quickly and moved forward. The same issue continued in our marriage for some 15 years, with compromises on both sides. As I am writing this I am eating a huge organic salad with 8-10 different organic vegies, and I have learned to love it, but I still eat my pizza too... just not as much, and I eat very little sugar... preferring Stevia, little soda, little red meat, mainly organic at home.
All three of the primary girlfriends I had carried some sort of emotional hot buttons... each different. So I was not under the impression that I was going to get off “scott free,” not having to respond to the perceptions and seeming "needs' of my future wife. Lori was actually a little easier to resolve issues with than one of the other two in some ways, but she was tough on me with the food issues. I knew she was right, but I would say to her, "You are right, but you are wring forcing it upon me by being moody or upset when I eat something I shouldn't." We had the need to compromise, but what marriage doesn’t?
When Lori shared with me her concerns about getting married I reminded her that we had up to that point worked through the issues each time and we could continue to do so. I ended up essentially giving in on most of the food issues when at home, then eating what I wanted when out of the home. We were both always about staying in shape, which created an additional issue when I would play full court basketball 6 hours a week at times.
I don’t think Lori, nor I, expected to be madly in love when we got married. I am not sure exactly why we were built that way, but I think our parents coached us in the main qualities to look for in a spouse, and madly in love was not one of them. For that matter neither of us really knew what “madly in love looked like,” as we are both quite logical people. There is no doubt that for us love is a commitment, and so long as she was all in, I was all in… and we knew the journey would be full of necessary growing up together. We are both so much better people because we have been able to sharpen each other. We still do to this day, but instead of fighting the suggestions and admonitions we both embrace them for the most part, realizing that the other spouse’s perspective about us is probably closer to reality than what we can see. True personal growth often comes by accepting the point of another who you trust, because one’s own perspective about them self can be quite wrong, and should be tested by asking others their thoughts. That is what makes the concept of the church so powerful. Honoring what others tell us, even when we cannot yet see it. Then in time, we begin to see the ugly parts of who we are and change them, growing up into Christ Jesus.
I had lots of growing up to do :) and so diid Lori. Isn't that what marriage is about? God using you for me to help us become one with each other and in Him.