Wednesday, September 9, 2015

The Twisted and Perverted Idea of Love


Almost 35 years ago, I remember being at my bridal shower and having feelings of sadness because I wasn't all excited and emotional about marrying Ken. I didn't have butterflies; I wasn't giddy; I didn't "feel" madly in love with him like I knew I was supposed to. I was even considering whether or not I should marry him based upon these feelings. Why, you may ask, did I marry him? I was marrying him because I decided he was what I was looking for in a husband. He loved Jesus; he worked hard; he was intelligent, athletic and good looking. These were all the characteristics I wanted in a husband. However, what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I "feel" like I was supposed to feel?

I had fallen for the twisted and perverted idea of love and romance, instead of biblical love. The perverted idea of love and romance includes being madly and passionately in love with someone before marrying them. "Here is my Prince Charming who I am ready to ride off with into the sunset on his stallion!" It was ALL about feelings and emotions. This is the fleshly man-made definition of love. Therefore, since I had fallen for this twisted and evil lie, we spent the first 23 years of our married life together not so happy.

What is true biblical love? Well according to the Bible, it is patient, kind, not jealous, doesn't brag or is arrogant, doesn't seek it's own, doesn't take into account a wrong suffered, doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the Truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love doesn't argue or quarrel. It seeks peace with others. It thinks more highly of others than itself. It overcomes evil with good and it is about commitment.

Why do you suppose God has commanded older women to teach younger women to love their husbands? Are they supposed to teach them to have butterflies and giddy feelings over their husbands or solid, biblical love towards them? Maybe this giddy and perverted love is a man-made idea after all. Maybe God knew the emotional makeup of women and how we tend to go with our feelings and emotions, instead of Truth and what is right.

Ken was and is good for me. Before my daughters met their husbands, I made sure they knew the two most important requirements were when deciding to marry someone; they had to love Jesus and be hard-working. Both of them married men like this. Both of my sons fit these requirements also. If your husband loves Jesus and is hard-working, you've married a good man! So what if you don't have the warm fuzzy feelings for him? Those have NOTHING whatsoever to do with love.

If I would have realized the true biblical definition of love and had been taught it growing up, I would have had a great marriage from the start. I wouldn't have even had to learn about submission if I knew true love since I would have been kind, patient, serving, pleasing, not arguing, seeking peace and thinking more highly of Ken than myself. 

Teach your daughters what true biblical love looks like. Encourage them to only marry a man who loves Jesus and works hard. We would have a lot more happy marriages if little girls were being raised in homes that taught and modeled biblical love instead of the Disney twisted and perverted types of love. 

 Love bears all things, believes all things, 
hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:7

 ***When you were considering whether or not to marry a man, did you search the Scriptures while praying for wisdom and discernment or did you marry him because you felt "in love"?
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Posted by Always Learning at 6:00 AM
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Lady Virtue's avatar

Lady Virtue · 498 weeks ago

Lori, I think perhaps out of the all of the topics you've covered, I'm especially blessed and taught the truth by this one. You've dealt with this in a couple of other posts and I refer back to them and read them periodically.

Since I married later (as I've said before, not by choice), and I had grown closer to the Lord by reading His Word in its entirety several times and separated myself from worldly media and pop culture prior to marriage, I saw no need to be or feel "in love" first. That term isn't even in the King James Bible. "Falling in love" sounds like an accident to me; who wants that? I love my husband, but I'm not "in love" with him.

I read and meditated on I Corinthans 13 MANY times and also looked at how Jesus demonstrated His love for us while we were yet sinners. I believe love is spiritually discerned and that only believers can truly understand that love is a continuous action that we choose to demonstrate, in spite of how we feel.

Wonderful post!
1 reply · active 498 weeks ago
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elspethbreathinggrace 46p · 498 weeks ago

To answer your question, No. I didn't search the Scriptures. I married based solely on the feeling of being in love (and have never been out of love yet), and made a lot of terrible mistakes along the way. If there is one thing that ALMOST persuadeth me to be a Calvinist ;), it's that God somehow made a masterpiece out of the mess.

I get your general premise, but I think perhaps you're swinging the pendulum too wrong in the other direction? The Song of Solomon is also in the Bible as well. I'm not disagreeing in totality, because the focus on -read: a woman's feelings- above else is largely what ails most marriages today. That goes for Christian marriages as well as secular, so I see your point, but I think as with many things, finding the balance is best.
1 reply · active 498 weeks ago
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Rob · 498 weeks ago

I think Lori all of us get caught up in the twisted perversion of what marriage is suppose to be. We have that fantasy we see on tv and relive what other couples have!! When I met my wife 18 yrs ago it was her beauty that drew me closer. Our personalities were way different, but she was beautiful. I pursued her and found that we enjoyed each other's company but, was it love at first sight? Depends on our definition of love!!!

Lori, can I ask were your parents Christians? Did your mom teach you to be a keeper of the home, and submission and you rejected it or simply you were not taught that?

In my situation, we were not saved Christians when we met and married. The first nine years of our marriage were spent without Christ, and we were completely miserable. I want my son and daughters to grow up to be believers and see joy and happiness of loving Christ.

When children see us the "Christian" parents arguing, quarreling and completely living in disobedience how do we expect different from them!!!
I sincerely want to say thank you for this blog

Biblical truth is so hard to find these days. It's rarely even taught in church.
With you and Ken humbly sharing your testimony for all us to see it helps encourage people like me and my family to be more biblically stronger in Christ!!

A couple days ago, my wife and I were chatting and talking about our church. There appears to be so many wife led marriages. We thought of maybe 2 or 3 marriages that we believed were the husband was the leader.

Everyday I wake up I thank Christ for my family and for paying for my sins.

If you are struggling in your marriage help your husband be or become the leader that we are commanded to be. Every good Christian man desires to be good providers and protectors!!

No you may not always feel that lovey dovey feeling or be madly in love with your husband or wife but we should be in love with Christ. We cannot pick and choose what we like about the bible

Like I told my wife recently the bible doesn't conform to us; we conform to the bible!!!!!!!
2 replies · active 498 weeks ago
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Brit · 498 weeks ago

Wow, I feel like this could have been written to me! My story is similar, except my struggle was that I was not physically attracted to my husband. I loved him, he loves me, he loves Jesus, he works hard to provide, he desires for me to stay home, he wants us to homeschool, he is open to life and desires a large family and he loves our children. I really struggled if I should follow through because my lack of physical attraction, but I did! He had been committed to me and loved me the 8 years of our married life and 4 children so far. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am even with my stretch marks I'm very insecure about. I Have grown in my love and attraction.

I've noticed if I read romance novels (yes, even Christian ones) I feel discontent...or if I watch too many love story movies. I try to avoid false love coming into my mind.
2 replies · active 498 weeks ago
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Katie · 498 weeks ago

To be honest, when I married, a large part of the reason was to please my parents. They adored my husband. I did have several conversations with him about loving and serving God and having Christ in your heart. He is absolutely a believer. And he is, without a doubt, the hardest worker I know. I am reminded of that by various people on a regular basis. I think there was more infatuation than love in the beginning... The real fireworks weren't there for me either. They still aren't,. But my love and respect for him have grown over the years. One thing I need to remember to keep doing is showing him more physical affection (hugs, kisses, hand-holding, etc). He had told me he needs and wants more of that. It's hard because I am not a touchy-feely person. I like my space! I am so relieved to hear that I am not the only wife out there who isn't giddy with love for my husband! I will say I have no regrets in marrying him... He has proven himself, his love and faithfulness over and over again. Loyalty has always been more important to me than romanticism anyway.
1 reply · active 498 weeks ago
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Diana · 498 weeks ago

I loved this! Thank you!
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Lari · 498 weeks ago

I Love your post! Let's get the message out to all our young people! I felt the same way during the weeks leading up to our wedding. Two of my closest friends who had married fine Christian men told me I was unique. That I should get out of the relationship while I could. That entering marriage like that was a disaster waiting to happen. My mom thankfully saw it for what it was: lies of Satan. He was trying to keep another Christian home from being established. I'm thankful I followed my mom's advice and married my wonderful husband. Things haven't always been "a dream come true" but like you said if you have a hardworking man who loves Jesus you have a real treasure.
1 reply · active 498 weeks ago
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Jamie · 498 weeks ago

Somehow I always had it in my mind not to date anyone unless I believed they had the qualities that might make for a good husband and father. I have no idea where I got this wisdom from. But I am so grateful for it, because yes I picked an awesome boyfriend turned husband right from the start. An important quality for me is someone who is open-minded to different ideas and not so stuck in his own ideas that he won't allow me to share my perspective and things I'm learning. I am so grateful for this quality in my husband because it made him open-minded when I first considered the idea of being a stay-at-home mom, or when I became interested in midwifery and homebirth, and then when I wanted to research vaccinations, and now we are looking into homeschooling because of SB277 and other legislation in CA. I can't imagine having to deal with these changes with a husband who isn't open to new information and ideas. He is the man of the house, believe me. But we have a partnership and I really appreciate that.
2 replies · active 498 weeks ago
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Rebecca · 498 weeks ago

When I married my husband, I was truly "in love" with him. I felt all the butterflies; I was so excited to become his wife!

I think it's shocking to the modern world that you would get married in any other emotional state. Good for you for being so honest about your own feelings! Women need to hear that passion and romance are not prerequisites for a good, lasting, godly marriage.

In fact, all those butterflies and excitement will one day fade away. What are you left with? If you built your marriage on biblical love- passionate feelings or not- you'll stick together with biblical love. And you know what the bible says about foundations. ;)
1 reply · active 498 weeks ago
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DanieleV · 498 weeks ago

The first time I saw my husband-to-be, he was giving an impression of a man who is responsible and serious about life. And he was handsome. I was 20 and not searching a future husband. But...

A few weeks after, he was baptized at our church, and we began to talk together. He invited me with some other Christians for lunch. He was a new Christian searching to know God more and more.

I remember a night praying all-night-long, searching Lord's will for my life. I wanted to be sure that that man was the man who God wanted me to marry.

The day after, that man said to me that he had very high expectations for the woman he wanted to marry... I felt out of the game.

And the day after that, he revealed his heart to me, saying that I was the woman he wanted as a wife... so 14 months later we marry!

We loved each other before our wedding, and we loved each other after our wedding, but in a new, beautiful, and more complete way, understanding that if we want our marriage lasting until death, we must love each other like 1 Corinthians says, and daily recording and doing what God intends for us as husband and wife!

And my husband is walking with God (and teaching our sons to do so), and yes, he is very hard-working (and teaching our sons to do so)!!! He is a complete blessing for me :)
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KMM · 498 weeks ago

I was lucky enough to be raised by a woman who did not fall into the category of romantic. By watching her with my dad, I realized what true love was and what it wasn't. When I met my husband, I knew he was the one because he embodied all of the important things. I didn't want flowers, candy, jewelry. I wanted a man who cared enough to listen to me, to have an opinion of his own, to want to take care of his family (including his parents), etc...I was not excited about the wedding. I just wanted to be married to him. I was in 8 weddings before my husband and I were married and all but one have divorced. When they were in the process of divorcing, I asked them why? What made them make this choice (because it is a choice)? So many of them said it was because they didn't feel butterflies anymore or that they changed their minds about their needs. I remember saying, "Didn't you talk about this before you were married?" Not one of them did. It broke my heart, truly. Full disclosure, I am a public school teacher, with two children. I teach in a very small rural district, that feels like a private Christian school almost all of the time and I have seen the school, combined with the local church, change the lives of children who are living terrible lives. My husband and daughter have chronic illnesses, as do I, mine is not as bad as theirs. Thank you for your wisdom.
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Wendy · 498 weeks ago

In 10 days time my eldest daughter of 20 will be marrying her chosen husband. He loves Jesus and is hard working. He loves her too and I look at them and am so glad that they have been raised in the things of the Lord and are much stronger than I was when I got married at 21. Such exciting times. Loved this post today.
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T.J. · 498 weeks ago

I really appreciate this post. I am so thankful for my husband. Before we married, I really respected him for his love of God and his character. I actually prayed to have feelings for him, because I knew he was a catch! And I did develop feelings for him. I would say my feelings come and go based on my thought patterns, and I think it's wise for me to think about my husbands' great qualities, which can totally change how I "feel" about him.
My husband sometimes counsels couples as a pastor and when marriages are struggling, most cannot think of any good qualities of their spouse when asked to make a list. When they married, they could think of lots! I have found making a list of his good qualities and thanking the Lord for them helps me - even making lists for my children if I am struggling to see past their mistakes helps me!
My father-in-law wisely said once, "marriage is an opportunity to love someone." It's good to keep my eyes off me and on the Lord & others, who I am called to love. The Lord meets all our needs so we are free from trying to meet our own, feelings or no feelings:)
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Amy · 498 weeks ago

Lori, this post is much like the recent post you did about being friends with your husband. I understand what you're saying here, and I can certainly agree that a woman shouldn't divorce her husband because she doesn't feel in love with him, or she doesn't have butterflies. However, it makes me so, so sad to think about women in marriages that don't have that romantic feeling! some of the comments here are a testament to staying true to the marriage vows, but a marriage is missing out on a whole dimension without friendship or romantic love. That doesn't mean the marriage is doomed to fail (obviously, as you've stated about the dynamics of your own marriage, and you have honored your vows), but it lacks the completeness of a truly great marriage, and I think we should be helping women strive for greatness in their marriages. I am in love with my husband, he is my friend, AND we are committed to our marriage. Those things are not mutually exclusive. We have gone through MAJOR illness in our marriage, infertility, and many other difficulties, but I have to say that my feelings of love haven't waivered through any of it. I didn't sit by my husband's side when he was hospitalized for a very extended amount of time simply because I felt an obligation of in sickness and in health. I did it because of that AND because I am madly in love with him!
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Tiffany · 498 weeks ago

Interesting. I do agree with you on seeking a biblical marriage. However I wouldn't call having butterflies and being madly crazy about each other perverted or twisted. Maybe it's just different for different people. I can say that when I met and dated my husband, it was absolutely fireworks and butterflies from the beginning, and still is 11 years later! We are blessed that we have the best of both worlds I guess.
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helen's avatar

helen · 498 weeks ago

Lori

So true!!, thank you

Blessings to you
Helen UK

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