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| By Pastor John Piper |
Pastor John,
what hope would you offer a stressed wife, or a stressed husband, who is
disappointed in their spouse, they are frustrated with their marriage, and they
are now considering divorce as an escape out of the frustrations?
Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is that more pain is
experienced in marriage and parenting than anywhere else in the world. This is
the cost of covenant making and covenant keeping love. It cost Jesus his life
to be in that kind of relationship. So I am not making light ever of the kind
of pain that can be sustained in a parenting or a marriage relationship. And
the first thing I would say to this woman is that the path to hope is not the
path of divorce. God can rescue sinners from the disaster of a divorce, but he
warns: Let us not sin that grace may abound. Planned sin is not accompanied by
any promises of hope. Jesus said in Mark 10:9, What,
therefore, God has joined together let not man separate. And the deepest reason
for that prohibition of breaking a marriage is that marriage was created by God
from the beginning as a picture or an expression of the covenant keeping love
of Christ and his Church (Ephesians 5:22 and following).
So my word of hope begins with a plea. I have given it countless
times to women and men. Put divorce out of your mind as a remedy. Don’t
consider it. Say to yourself in the truth of Christ by the power of the Holy
Spirit: "This is not an option. I am not going to pursue this. It may be forced
upon me, but I am not going to pursue it." Don’t want it. Pray and work in the
other direction.
You might have sinned your way into this marriage. Lots of
people say: "Well, I just blew it at the front end. I made all kinds of stupid
judgments about this man. I wasn’t acting in a mature, biblical way." And I say: "That is true. You may have sinned your way into this relationship, but now that
you are married, this man is God’s man for you. That is an amazing truth. He is
God’s choice for you. Yes, he is. No matter how you may wish that you could do
it all over again. Look to Jesus as the one who satisfies in
measure now and immeasurably later. Believe that the path of lost dreams in
this life is the path of greatest joy overall."
Know this; Maximizing your earthly happiness is not the goal of
life or marriage. Maximizing your eternal happiness is, because God said — this
is really crucial, I think, of marriage. Romans 5:3 and following; Rejoice in tribulation because tribulation works patience and patience works a
provenness and a provenness works hope and this hope does not disappoint. In
other words, marriage may disappoint with a thousand tribulations, but hope
filled obedience to God will never, never disappoint us, God says so. Hope does
not disappoint. But escaping tribulation, the tribulation that obedience calls
for, escaping tribulation that is not hope promised, hope filled, it is not the
path to greatest hope or greatest joy. It is good and it is right to want
things to change now. Oh, yes, we all do. We want things about our spouses and
ourselves to change now. And I think that is why Peter wrote 1 Peter 3:1-7 for wives in
particular, because these words are meant to help a woman know how to think
about changing her husband, in this case an unbelieving husband. And she should
pray earnestly for him and for the whole situation. That is why those verses
are there. I would recommend that she pray over them long and hard. But don’t
stake your greatest happiness on his change. If you do that, you will probably
become demanding and nagging and angry, all of which will be self-defeating. So
focus your main heart energies not on fixing his failures, but on deepening
your own godly responses to those failures. That is what God expects from you.
God does not hold you accountable for your husband’s sins but he does hold you
accountable for the godliness of your responses to those sins.
There will be a thousand acts of grace that your husband will
not reward or perhaps not even notice. And you will feel so alone in your
sorrow. But hold fast to this truth. God sees in secret (Matthew 6:3, 4). God sees
every tiny expression of your patience and mercy and respect. He sees them all
and he writes them all. Your quiet sorrows are never wasted. You will be repaid
at the last day and, perhaps, in this life more than you could ever imagine.
When the decades have gone by God might work a miracle in that man and you
might end in a way that you never dreamed.
And let me close with one illustration. A woman came to me one
Sunday about 30 years into my ministry. I remember it so clearly. It was at our
south campus. And she reminded me that when she was about to leave her husband
20 years ago she came to me and I pleaded with her: Don’t do it. And she gave
me all the reasons why he was just totally unresponsive, unaffectionate,
traveled all the time, didn’t pay any attention, didn’t care for the kids,
every reason that he was just not there. And she told me now at this point, 20
years after that, having stayed in the marriage she said: He is building a room
on our house for my mother to stay with us in her final years, which is the
most wonderful, sacrificial act of love he could possibly have done for me. He
had become a kind and thoughtful and very different man. And she just thanked
me and said: That is what I would have been missing today.
Therefore what God has joined together let no man separate.
Mark 10:9
Mark 10:9
