There was a woman I know who was dating an emotionally abusive man. He would manipulate her with his words and actions, using his anger to get her to do what he wanted her to do. If he got angry with her, he would not speak to her for days and hold a grudge against her. When he was nice, he was very nice. When he was mean, he was very mean. Thankfully, she did not marry him.
What if she had married him? How would I have mentored her when she was absolutely miserable in her marriage? No matter how nice she was to him, he still treated her poorly. I know there are many women in this kind of marriage. I am only going to give my advice but I would advise her to seek other's advice also since women like this are in so much pain.
Being treated poorly is not grounds for divorce. I would never encourage her to get a divorce. I have mentored women who are being treated poorly by their husbands and my advice is always the same. Win them without a word. Good overcomes evil. Heap burning coals upon their head. A soft answer turns away wrath. Love your enemies. All biblical advice.
However, I would also encourage her to seek an older women to meet with on a consistent basis to continually build her up and encourage her. Since she is beaten down so much by her husband, she needs to be continually being transformed by the renewing of her mind. She is dearly loved by the Lord. She is called His child and He is a strong fortress around her. She needs to be reminded that she can do all things through Christ who strengthens her.
She needs a very strong support system that will pray for her and comfort her. It would be great if church discipline worked like it was suppose to work and the elders of the church would go confront the husband or even a good, close friend of his would do that. We are commanded to go and confront our brother or sister in sin.
We were never meant to go through this life alone. When you married a man that does not treat you good, you need help; good, solid, biblical comfort and support. Don't try to do it alone. Don't let your husband beat you up verbally without a strong support system underneath you to hold you up, pray with you and for you.
Continue working on becoming a godly woman of God and allow God to work on your husband since He is the only one that can change him.
Only the woman in this situation can decide what to do. Just remember, God hates divorce and divorce solves nothing of eternal significance. A godly woman sanctifies her husband. She may be the only Jesus he ever sees and if he spends eternity in heaven because of her faithful dedication to him and her marriage, it will all be worth the pain.
Where there is no guidance, a people falls,
but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14
Logging you in...
Charlotte · 575 weeks ago
Ken · 575 weeks ago
Believers live their entire lives trying to please God not simply because He knows what is best for us, but because we love Him, for Christ died on the cross to save us. We are taught not to do anything out of selfish motivation but to seek the best interest of others.
Those of us who walk by faith, do so with the understanding that "God works all things according to His Will, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." If Christians just pick and choose when, where and how they will obey God, are they not really saying they do not believe Him at His Word?
So if a Christian gets divorced multiple issues are created that are outside of God's will. One may be that she/he has a great life but they miss out on something better that God had in store for them in this life and the next. If our lives are only about the here and now it might change a Christian's perspective, but if we have an eternal view we will live our lives not for what we get now, but for the treasures we get in heaven.
I could have divorced Lori and never learned the lessons God wanted to teach me. I would have moved, and I would not have all the blessings of a great wife and wonderful family life as much would have been shattered by my unwillingness to keep my promises to her and to God.
I guess one has to first decide if they will honor God or honor self. If you decide to honor God then you will do all you can to avoid a divorce. There are times perhaps that divorce is inevitable, but God is honored in our struggle to do all we can to remain married and try to win our spouse back. We know many couples who have won and now have great marriages, because "only through pain it seems can be the commitment of love that two can know."
So if you trade in you spouse for another, you violate many of your values, if you are a Christian. God says he hates divorce for a reason, and your premise implies that any Christian should just get a divorce whenever their spouse no longer pleases them. And this would create serious damage to the other spouse, the kids, and to Christianity.
Happy Wife · 575 weeks ago
The second person I know who was emotionally abused is a college friend who met her husband at church. Things were great till her first child was born and then he begin to emotionally tear her down. She tried leaning on us for strength but after 12 years it was just too much for her. She had a breakdown and attempted suicide. Her kids also have issues from having been raised watching their dad emotionally abuse their mom. Her kids are older now and all say that they wish their mom would have left their dad so they wouldn't have had to been raised in such an unhappy home.
Emotional abuse is beyond being treated poorly. It is true abuse and should be treated seriously.
Tiffany · 575 weeks ago
Lori Alexander 122p · 575 weeks ago
Happy Wife · 575 weeks ago
My cousin's husband is a very evil man, but he hid it from the rest of us. We all thought she was exaggerating things until one Christmas party he lost control of his temper in front of us. After that we tried to get her to leave, but the church kept telling her to stay because the church hadn't see the bad side of him, so she stayed.
Before experiencing it with my cousin and friends I thought emotional abuse was just a man snapping at his wife every once in a while, but now I know it is so much more than that. It is hard to tell which men are evil at heart and which men are good at heart sometimes. :(
Lori Alexander 122p · 575 weeks ago
Ken · 575 weeks ago
As you point out the hardest issue with emotional abuse is identifying it fully, especially when it is hidden from others, or when a spouse looks so whitewashed on the outside, but is truly evil on the inside. All a blog like this one can do is recognize that abuse exists in marriages and that it is incumbent upon the one who is abused to seek help, and keep seeking help until she is confident she is getting the help she feels she needs. The Internet has much excellent information on the subject, but beyond this, the abused must have strong support system of friends, family and counselors surrounding her.
I suggest that one begin with thiswebsite, and keep looking. Knowledge and truth are two of the most important weapons one must use against all evil.
http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/types-o...
Unfortunately in life hindsight is always 20-20. You speak of two examples where emotional abuse turned into something terrible. I am sure if your family and her friends could do it over again they would try to handle things differently.
It is a really difficult issue because we have also seen two wives who appeared to be emotionally abused, went to professionals, yet decided to try and win their husbands without a word, and did so. If there is any hint that the emotional can turn into something physical such an approach is not without risk, but when a wife feels strongly that her husband would not harm her physically, I do not see how a Christian counselor can blanketly encourage her to leave him, against her own desires. The counselor is not the one creating the situation, and can only give the best advice at the time.
If all spouses who feel emotionally abused immediately separate from their spouses, divorce would escalate and those marriages that could be saved will be lost. The spectrum is wide on this subject so getting a good diagnosis from a professional as to the perceived level of abuse taking place is important for any spouse who believes they are modestly in danger physically or psychologically. Then the abused spouse must decide the approach they will take perhaps based on determining if they are married to a Peter or a Judas.
elspethbreathinggrace 46p · 575 weeks ago
Guest · 575 weeks ago
"It would be great if church discipline worked like it was suppose to work and the elders of the church would go confront the husband or even a good, close friend of his would do that. We are commanded to go and confront our brother or sister in sin."
Of course, I agree. May I ask you, do you think it is likely that a man in utter rebellion to God would even bother to listen to another man telling him that he is in sin? Do you think he would care?
In my own marriage, several years ago, an elder from a Christian church (my husband wasn't attending any church at the time) had enough of my husband's behavior toward me and our family. He lived very close to us and saw my husband's behavior toward us (no physical violence, but other forms of ill treatment.) He came over to our house and rebuked my husband in a firm but respectable way, and then offered to help my husband and invited him to a men's bible study, in an attempt to immerse my husband in good fellowship with Godly men and in the Word of God.
My husband was highly offended by this man's rebuke. He did go to one of the man's bible studies, but as soon as he got home, he shredded it verbally, saying that there was "no depth" to the bible study and it was a waste of his time.
Of course, I was heartbroken, because I thought perhaps God was using this elder to confront my husband and bring about true and lasting change in my husband's heart. Soon thereafter, my husband found every reason to tear apart the elder verbally in my presence, discrediting his faith, etc.
Finally, the elder, when I phoned him one night to come and help me because my husband was gone to a bar, said, "I'm sorry. I cannot help you. I cannot have anything further to do with your husband. I will not even eat with him (referring to the scripture advising one not to eat with one who will not accept your rebuke.) Again, I was heartbroken, and then I found myself becoming quite angry that this man gave up so easily on my husband.
I also realize, however, that the elder I speak of did not follow through the entire process of rebuking my husband: he stopped at himself; he did not bring others with him, nor did he escalate the situation and bring the Pastor or attempt to involve any of my husband's own family members (not that it would have made a difference.)
In the end, it seems it almost made it worse, since the one person I was once able to depend on to help (the elder's wife) was now in a position of separation from me and my family, when I desperately needed someone.
When a man is in rebellion to God, what is a wife to do but simply keep crying out to God?
My husa
Lori Alexander 122p · 575 weeks ago
Guest · 575 weeks ago
Because I saw this as my "help" and became friends with his wife (and she began to pray with me and for me, having tea with me sometimes), I then began to lean on this man to "discipline" my husband. He refused, likely because he saw that it was not going to bear any fruit anyway. I know they continued to pray for us.
I think what you are saying is I should have just persevered in following the word of God for myself instead of seeing the elder and his wife as an idol of "salvation" to my difficult marriage. Am I correct? Thank you for your help.
Lori Alexander 122p · 575 weeks ago
Loving been his wife · 575 weeks ago
R G · 575 weeks ago
I, as a mentor to others, am in a tough situation as well right now. A young lady wanted some advice on rearing her children and asked to bring her children and shadow me in my home for an entire day from before my children awoke & my husband left for work, until her husband came home from work late in the evening-- once every week! I told her that was a lot to ask of anyone, but she was free to come over for an afternoon and take a look at our family as it is. I found out very quickly her angle wasn't to learn from us, but rather to have me parent her children, to find reason to accuse us, to pick out any inconsistencies or seeming failures in her own eyes, and to probe the children for very personal information to prove false what Bible principles I had shared with her. It was a sad thing to see that spirit of 'you can't teach me anything, really, because you and your home are not flawless according to my preconceived notions of what I am supposed to see' attitude. She still came to me last week and asked again to come into my home and 'shadow' (her term). Now I am praying about some creative ways to help her without my kids having to be put under a microscope and enduring constant criticism from a virtual stranger. I don't want to push her completely away, but I also have to balance my time and make sure I am using it in ways that are truly helpful to her. Any suggestions, I'd like to hear them. Thank you for your insight on this blog, Lori.
Lori Alexander 122p · 575 weeks ago
Satan is on the move to try and destroy anyone who teaches God's Truth. None of us who teach others are perfect but if we teach God's Word, His Word is perfect. Specifics should be taught by those who have been able to apply God's Word and had success...great children and happy marriages. I know those are the types I want to learn from!