Monday, March 3, 2014

If Your Husband Won't Help


There are husbands who don't want to help their wives with the housework and children.  They work all day and come home tired.  They want to come home and put their feet up and relax.  The wives have expressed their need for help from them, but they still don't help.  What is a wife and mother suppose to do then?

I think the first thing you need to do is to simplify your life.  Get rid of the junk in your home so you don't have so much to clean up.  When the children are small, don't have a lot of toys and knick knacks around the home.  Have a simple home with few things.  This makes it easier to clean and keep organized.

Make simple dinners. The only kind of meals I make are simple with healthy ingredients.  I have never been a gourmet cook but I enjoyed feeding my children healthy food.  This is a very important part of being a wife and mother.  Plan ahead.  Make sure you keep all the ingredients on hand so you can whip up a good meal quickly.

Don't be involved in a lot of activities outside of the home.  The Bible commands women to be keepers at home. This means your main ministry revolves around the home: cleaning, cooking, training, etc.  When your children are young, you don't need to be in Bible studies, ministries at your church, etc.  Keep your focus on your home and your family.  The ministry the Lord has given women, after all, is to guide the home and be keepers at home.  He did not give this ministry to men.

Don't have hobbies that take up too much time.  Sure, it is good to have something you love to do at home but just make sure it doesn't rob your family of your time, especially things like facebook, twitter, email, television, etc.  Make sure you are getting plenty of rest, sleep, water, and nutritious food.  Take care of yourself the best you can.

Finally, remember your children will grow up.  As they are growing up, teach them to help.  Teach them to help you keep the home clean, to cook, to garden, etc.  Your life will become easier as you get older if you do this.  They will be gone before you know it and then you will have a lot of free time in which you should use to train the young women.

Your husband will have to work and provide long after the children are grown up.  As much as you can, allow him to relax when he is home.  If he helps with the home and children, great but if not, learn to do it without him and love him anyways.  Working out in the world and providing is a heavy burden godly men must carry.  Appreciate him for it and try making his life as easy as possible.  If you do this, I bet he will want to begin making your life easier, for we reap what we sow.

I will therefore that the younger women marry, 
bear children, guide the house, 
give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
I Timothy 5:14

Comments (22)

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To me, there's a big difference between a husband who is very busy and therefore not always available, and a husband who is around but refuses to spend time with his children.

The first is a practical situation. There are only so many hours in a day. Yes, it was hard when my husband was doing his internal medicine residency and working 80-100 hours/week, and when he clearly needed whatever sleep he could get when he got home after a 36 hour shift, but it was obvious to me that this was simply a fact of our lives. I was tired, but not really resentful.

When he was around and awake, though, his first priority was spending time with our daughter. He's still like that - he worked all this past weekend, but still came home to take our son to hockey. I know that if he's available, the children are his priority. I would be concerned (and wouldn't have married him) if this wasn't the case.

I'm less concerned about the house. Children need a father, but the dishes don't care who washes them. If he's earning money, that's also a contribution, and if we are both busy and the budget allows, there's nothing wrong with paying for some help.
1 reply · active 577 weeks ago
I love this--" Children need a father, but the dishes don't care who washes them" May your marriage every be bless. I so agree with you. We need to learn to work together and not apart.
This is very good advice. I peeled away all the extras in my life so that I could be more available for my husband and children. That means: no more blogging, no more teaching bible studies, no more meeting for coffee every other day. (These have all been personal convictions, no legalism here). Prior to doing so, I was constantly on the go, even though I was a stay at home mom! Now, rather than feel stressed and irritable towards my husband's lack of help, I have the TIME to accomplish all the necessary tasks that go into making a home. Women, even Christian women, are so impressionable and need to be taught that it's absolutely wonderful to just stay put and quietly work in the home.
I love this advice so much! Thank you. My husband does help but I am trying to get to a point were he doesn't have to help so much. He works long hours and I want him to enjoy his life. I just left my job and we are trying to get pregnant so I am trying to get a jump start on a productive home life which is why this article is so helpful. Love, Victoria
Sometimes it's a communication issue. Women are great at hinting about what needs to be done. Men aren't great at picking up on those hints. I just ask directly, and I'm patient and flexible about when things get done. I don't nag. I've also learned over the years not to complain. When I do it makes it seem like I'm unhappy when in reality I'm just venting. Husbands want to come home to a happy low stress environment. I agree with Cynthia. There's no need to be more concerned about the house than the people in it. My kids are old enough to chip in and do their part. That's a big step. We also have a schedule in place for big ticket items and we do some chores together like folding and putting away laundry. Thanks for the thoughtful post.
Thank you for this! My husband does help me out and I'm so thankful but I need to make things easier around the house so I can handle more of it on my own! Great recommendations!!
Hey lady, If you want a pen pal here I am! daniels.tierra@yahoo.com trying to live in peace and harmony with my growning family of 7 soon to be 8!
"When your children are young, you don't need to be in Bible studies, ministries at your church, etc. Keep your focus on your home and your family. "- this is the one that took me the longest to learn
I heartily agree with getting the junk out of the home. Those toys reproduce I tell you!! It makes it SO MUCH easier to keep their rooms clean and house clean when I regularly go through and cull the stuff. It's definitely a process but it makes my daily cleaning much more manageable and the children are actually able to clean their rooms too.
I love this and the other commenters encourage me. I have made it a point to not socialize very much during these early childhood years while i raise my little girls. It was taking too much of my time away from my duties at home. I love the way God works. Once you submit to Him, his yoke is easy and His burden light. I obey, he helps me sort out and prunes my branches. I see my secular friends spinning their wheels. Tired, bitter towards their husbands (who ask much less of them than mine does of me I might add), wanting more and more of this and that. God has trained me over the past few years (Thanks to this blog's conviction in addition to other ways of being convicted) how to live my life and love it! What once seemed an unbearable marriage, has now become quite fruitful and lighthearted in all the right places. Hang on and God WILL provide.
1 reply · active 577 weeks ago
I agree about giving up things that make too many demands on our time. How we make our lives easier, though, will be different for each family.

With my first 2 babies, I found that it was actually easier for me if I went out with them. We lived in a small apartment when we had baby #1, and neither the baby nor I enjoyed being cooped up all day. The local YMCA had a great family resource center where we could play, attend singing groups, spend time with other moms and tots, etc. so we walked over every day. Baby #3 napped more, so I spent more time at home.
Such great, sound advice. If we are stay-at-home moms, perhaps we could complete all of the nighttime tasks (dinner prep, housework, children's baths, etc.) while our husbands are at work so that when they are home we can ALL sit and relax together. I know if I get snippy about this issue it's because I have wasted productive time during the day and then am irritated at my family in the evenings when I have things to do and no one is helping me. Had I planned well and executed my plan during the day, I wouldn't have that irritation. (I am actually irritated at myself, but take it out on my family.) Anyone else relate?
1 reply · active 577 weeks ago
Thank you for the words of wisdom, Lori! I do struggle with this issue every now and then and let it fester until I just "let all my frustration out at once" ;)

Not the best way to go about it I know. My husband works from home, so our family is together at home basically 24/7 which I think contributes to my frustration when I don't feel that he is helping as much as I'd like. Anyway, hopefully thinking of it as my God-given ministry will help :)
God did not create our husbands to be our helpers, but us to be their helpers! I think it's appropriate for a woman to expect a 6 year old to "help" at home but to expect that of her husband? It seems condescending rather than honoring.

I have known many honorable men who worked 60+ hours a week, but didn't fold towels at home, too. Were they "bad husbands?" Or are our expectations out of line? I do have great respect for my Great-Grandfather, who did the week's laundry (before machines were available) for his frail wife on Monday morning before heading off to a very long week of work - but I don't see that as a requirement, but rather "above and beyond the call of duty"

I worked in the men's professions for many years before marrying - I know what it's like out there, and I am eternally grateful that my husband braves all of that to serve us, and to make it possible for me to stay at home and be a homeschooling Mother.

I have told my husband, "If you work all week to support us, you ARE helping at home!"
My husband DOES work hard all week, but when the weekend comes along ALL he does is sit on the couch and watch TV. Basically, you're telling me to suck it up. I think you're wrong. I work in the home EVERY DAY. He gets two days completely off every week! Oh, and did I mention that he trots off to the gym or to be with his buddies on his time off whenever he sees fit? Yeah, that's fair.
2 replies · active 577 weeks ago
Try making a master schedule, and plot out everything 24/7. Ask for his input.

I did this a couple of years ago, purely for my own practical purposes to plan stuff, but it had a dramatic effect when my husband and I saw everything laid out graphically in black and white.

While you're planning, if he wants gym schedule, schedule it in - and then ask about your time at the gym and with friends as well.

Also, have you ever tried sitting beside him and watching TV too?

FWIW, I've had times where I was a working mom, and times where I was a stay-at-home mom. Juggling was a challenge, but the actual workday at a working mom, even when I was doing a fairly stressful full time job, wasn't really any more demanding that what I did at home. There are some exceptions - my husband will be completely drained if he needs to deal with a young person newly diagnosed with cancer, or if he's on call and working long hours for 14 days straight, and I've been distracted when dealing with bad abuse cases - but otherwise, work is work, whether it is in the home or outside of it.
I had not thought of trying to make a master schedule. That is a pretty good piece of advice. I think it would at least reduce some of the resentment I feel if I know ahead of time when he plans to go out.
"When your children are young, you don't need to be in Bible studies, ministries at your church, etc. "
Because I worked for a Christian ministry most of my single life and got married in my late 20's, when I had my first baby it was really difficult not to feel guilty for stepping back from activities at church, Bible Studies, discipleship relationships, volunteering, etc. I still feel internal pressure from myself to be a part of things I think will bless others or encourage my spiritual walk with Jesus all the while trying to do everything you mentioned above. It's overwhelming and makes me break down in the most important area of my life-home. So I'm learning to trust Jesus and be obedient with the role he's given me as wife and mother.

I am thankful to have found this blog because I think you are addressing heart issues of a woman and reminding your readers of God's design for them. It's helpful to combat the lies that tell me to do more for others at the sake of my children, husband, and home.
Great post and reminders! My husband is a great help when he's not working, but as a new mom I still get overwhelmed sometimes... I am very thankful for him and the help he does give me.

When we had our baby, I stepped down from graphic designing for our church because it was taking too much of my attention from my family and our home. I miss it, but there will be another season when I can design again! Having young ones in the house has been a wild new season of life for my husband and I, but I know it will fly by too fast...

Amy @ http://livinglifetruth.blogspot.com/

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