Always Learning: Jealous of Other's Husbands?

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Jealous of Other's Husbands?

Her husband does a lot of the shopping and cooks many meals. He loves to vacuum and clean bathrooms. He NEVER leaves his clothes on the floor! He's a wonderful father and buys her flowers often. Her husband is amazing and everyone would agree. How do you respond when you hear this and your husband has NEVER cleaned a toilet, loves to watch lots of television, and rarely buys you anything?

When you have a husband that has fallen short of your expectations, how are you to handle this disappointment? Joyfully. Tell your friend what a great husband she has and then go over in your mind all the great qualities your husband possesses. You must never let someone's husband make you dissatisfied with the one that you've chosen.

Also, you must never speak poorly of your husband to others when he doesn't do the things you want or act the way you think he should act. Don't let others speak poorly of your husband either. Having a husband that helps with housework and showers you with flowers isn't great gain; godliness with contentment is GREAT gain!

Your circumstances aren't what God commands that you rejoice over. He commands that you rejoice over all the riches you have in Christ: dead and freed from sin, walking in newness of life, delivered from wrath and condemnation, etc. If you are a believer, you have ALL these things in abundance. You are blessed and a mansion is being prepared for you. The God of the universe lives inside of you and loves you.

This life has nothing whatsoever to do with how much your husband helps or how he treats you. It has everything to do with glorifying Him and being content in whatever situation you are in knowing that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes.

We must have NO other idols besides Jesus before us; not our marriage or wanting a husband, not our children or wanting children, not our health or food, not our home, not our blog or job, etc. We are called to seek those things above. If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God. {Colossians 3:1-3}

Therefore, the next time you read about or hear how wonderful someone's husband is, don't be discouraged or get upset and unhappy with your husband. Speak Truth to yourself and REJOICE; for this is the day that the Lord hath made. Keep your eyes focused upon the Lord and His goodness and continually renew your mind with His many promises to you.

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Jeanne stone · 530 weeks ago

Powerful words!

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Laura · 530 weeks ago

My husband is very different from most of my friends' husbands in this way: He keeps his faith close to him. He's not one to share about what God's doing in his life. Although he reads his Bible, he does not read and study and analyze scripture. But most everyone else I know has a husband who is a studier, a reader, a sharer. This was a huge sore spot for me when we first got married. I knew he was like that before we married, but I think I thought I would change him, maybe? I'm not sure. Maybe I was just wearing rose-coloured glasses and didn't fully realize how much it bothered me. Anyway, a couple years into our marriage, and I fully realized how much I hated that he was not 'like the other husbands' that I knew. I was resentful and hated all my friends' husbands and I just was a wreck and let my husband know fairly often how much he was disappointing me. Another thing I couldn't stand was how he doesn't like to share his feelings with me and isn't a 'talker'.

Soon God started to convict me through blogs like this one and a book I read called "Creative Counterpart" by Linda Dillow. It was life-changing. I started to realize that I needed to love my husband as he is and not for who I expected him to be. I realized that my expectations were killing us slowly. I prayed like I never prayed before: I asked God to help me love my husband as he is, to respect him in our home and in front of others, to start to appreciate his good qualities rather than focusing on the things he doesn't excel at.

I am married to an amazing man. He is kind, gentle, a good provider, faithful, a good father to our three kids. He has never said one unkind thing about me, he always encourages and supports me. What on earth do I have to complain about???? Sure he does not openly talk about his faith. He will probably never be one to study the Word. He won't ever be eloquent or romantic or say amazing things. But you know what? That is okay. God has opened my eyes and I have fallen in love with my husband in a way that I never knew was possible before.

We have been married 13.5 years and God has graciously been teaching me what it means to love someone when they don't live up to your expectations. And I've found, once I started praying for my husband and allowing God to work in his life in His own time, that my eyes have been opened to all the good things he has to offer. God has really shown me how to look for the good and leave the so-called 'bad' with Him. I know I have it really good, that my husband is a good man and the things I complained about are not really BAD things per se. But to me it was huge and my love language is words so having a husband who is not eloquently spiritual and romantic was a big thing for me.

Anwyay, this was a huge ramble, but I just wanted to say how much I agree with you. It does not do your marriage well when you become jealous and resentful. In my experience, it's much better to look at what's right in front of you and ask God to teach you how to love as He loves.

2 replies · active 530 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 530 weeks ago

Amen, Laura! Thank you for sharing.

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Ken · 530 weeks ago

Great testimony Laura on how God can take one's own desires and instead of coveting what we don't have, focus on on the good things we have in our spouse.

They say the grass is greener on the other side, and sometimes it is. Another farmer can produce a bigger crop, or another family live in a bigger house, or one wife be joyfully submissive and another struggles with it. God's Word tells us that we are to be content in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. This does not mean that we don't work towards productive changes, in our own lives first, then in the lives of our spouse and children, but as we all grow up in Christ, let us first and foremost rest in Him, knowing that even if we make mistakes, God does not. He can take our mistakes and use them all for His glory, to those who love His son, the Lord Jesus.

It is interesting to see how many people marry their opposite personality and then set about lamenting the things they chose to marry. There are strong reasons why we marry a person who is not fully compatible it seems with us, and mainly that they tend to fill in our weaknesses. Allowing our spouse to be who God made them is so important to creating a happy home and intimacy. If it is sin, it should be seen as such, but if it is not sin, just our desires, we need to give the desire to Jesus and see how He may meet that desire through other ways.

We can't expect our spouse to be everything we see in others, because we don't want all the bad qualities we see in some too. Intimacy flourishes when a spouse knows that they are completely loved and accepted just the way they are, even if some things we would prefer they change, and they know it. They are still the one we chose, and the one who God is using to grow us up to be like Jesus.

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Cynthia Swenson · 530 weeks ago

That verse from James points out two very basic sins, but it's amazing how we always need to be reminded of the evilness of jealously (covetousness, envy). How opposite it is to walk in the Spirit & have joy, contentment, & thankfulness & long suffering (the old word for patience!). You did a good job of covering jealousy Lori....now I'd encourage you to tackle the rest of the verse, SELFISH AMBITION. I'm sure that one does lots of damage to relationships! Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia

1 reply · active 530 weeks ago

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Ken · 530 weeks ago

Both sins are all about "self" and not about God, or serving others with the example and joy of Christ Jesus.

Jesus came to save mankind not just from hell, but from our selves, and our own fleshly desires we want fed. If we are looking inward instead of outward, or our thoughts and words speak of tearing down, destruction and unhappiness, instead of the fruit of the Spirit, we know that the problem lies within ourselves, not something that can be fixed by fixing others. That is why Lori's blog is so powerful to help change lives as it tries to always focus the reader back on changing what is wrong within us as opposed to going about changing others to better meet our perceived fleshly needs. The focus must be on changing me, and it is that change that most spouses then want to emulate in their own lives.

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Rob · 530 weeks ago

I think sometimes we can get caught up in that I word. I want, I wish, I need. When we really already have everything.. If we have Christ we have everything. I am the type if husband who will do household chores(although i personally do not like the word chores) I know I am not the most handsome man, but my wife does make feel good about myself. The last couple years I really do make every effort to make myself attractive to her as she does to me. It would absolutely break my heart if I knew my wife was jealous of other another woman's husband. When we look at other marriages and think they have it all together because it appears that way when you see them or when they are talked about, we need to remember things may not always be greener on someone else's lawn.

I am on call 24 hrs a day and lots of times I have to get up in the middle of the night and leave on a call, so I am not home at the same times everyday. So my wife has a lot of responsibility homeschooling and trying to be the keeper of the home with me in and out so much. When I am home and things are not how I think they should be I try to pitch in and help, but as a husband I am not jealous of other husband's wives.

All I can say is plz do not be jealous of another woman's husband if he appears to be Mr Perfect. Trust me your husband's heart would most definitely be broken if he knew that, like mine would be. When i go to work i am motivated to do so for my wife and children, and when at home I hope my wife is motivated to be the keeper of the home for me and children and ultimately for God.

Like I was saying if we have Christ, we don't need to be jealous of anyone. We need to be thankful for our spouse, that we have been blessed with someone to share this life with. When I look ourselves in the mirror today I can we ask if we spent the day serving others or serving myself!!!

1 reply · active 530 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 530 weeks ago

Thank you, Rob. Great words of encouragement!

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Krista · 530 weeks ago

My husband doesn't always follow me on my walk with the lord but I forgive him for it. He recently got into some problems at work but is working things out to repay his business partner. I asked him to start every day reading the bible with me, he did it for 3 days but says he is to busy to keep it up. I can't remember the last time he paid me a complement. Now these are all things I can worry about all the time but I don't dwell on them, I just read my bible and follow Gods word. I might be a little jealous of other husbands but I know God puts these things in my way to make me a better Christian.

1 reply · active 530 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 530 weeks ago

If we truly understand who we are in Christ, Krista, we wouldn't depend on others so much to make us feel good about ourselves. We would understand all the riches we have in Christ and draw closer to Him. Be Jesus to your husband; love, serve, and please him. You are right; our trials do make us more like Jesus if we become kinder and gentler because of them instead of bitter and angry.

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Tiffany · 530 weeks ago

I AM blessed to have a "good husband" like the one you shared in the example, and sometimes I feel guilty or that I should hide that and never brag about him. But it is hard because I love him so much and I am so thankful for him. I never really realized that it might make someone else feel bad. You are right though- we should all choose our love and love our choice.

1 reply · active 530 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 530 weeks ago

You are blessed, Tiffany, and you recognize it! It sounds like your husband is a blessed man, also, to have you as his wife.

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2happy4 66p · 530 weeks ago

I heard a piece of wisdom concerning these things that I wish all young people heard and that I heard years ago. It is that when you get married each person has certain expectations of the other. Then their is the reality. All that space between the expectations and the reality translate to frustration. So it is better to not have expectations of each. Instead we need to go into marriage striving to love our spouse like God loves us. This is hard to do though.

1 reply · active 530 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 530 weeks ago

Yes, expectations destroy relationships. Our only expectations should be upon ourselves and becoming more like Jesus and getting rid of our rough edges. Thanks for your wise words, Michelle!

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Maria · 530 weeks ago

Understanding each other through good communication is vital in marriage. Each marriage looks different and appreciating what you do have leads to a good marriage. If we're always looking over the fence thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, we miss the green grass on our side.

1 reply · active 530 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 530 weeks ago

We sure do, Maria! It's so easy for most women to be discontent with the man they have vowed to cherish all the days of their lives. We need frequent reminders!

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Desiree · 530 weeks ago

I have spent a great many hours in the past several years bemoaning my plight. Married to a man who has no interest any longer in spiritual things. Who sits in front of the tv every possible waking hour he has. Who can easily zone out our little boy over a rerun of a rerun. But then He reminds me of what I really have. I have a MAN. They THINK differently. God created them with strengths in areas where we are weak. Sure he can zone out in front of the tv....but he can problem solve like nobodies business and I depend on him for that. Sure he watches way more tv than imaginable. But he will quickly get up to help out if needed. And at this time in his life he may have no interest in spiritual things for himself, but he prays with our little boy, he never comes between me and church, he supports everything I teach our son about God. He doesn't drink or smoke or gamble or abuse us or go places where I have no idea who he is with or what he is doing, he brings home his paycheck and goes to work each day to support us. He is loving and gentle and fun to be around.

God has really been dealing with me on "Expectations" lately. That has been my down fall. In every sense of the word my life has not gone as planned. But between my Sunday School class, Church services, S.M. Davis sermons in the van and Bible studies, I have, at every turn been facing this head on. Sometimes God doesn't whisper!!

3 replies · active 530 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 530 weeks ago

You're right, Desiree! God isn't going to whisper if you need a kick in the pants. He disciplines us for our good that we might become more like Him! Thank you for sharing.

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Rob · 530 weeks ago

Hi Desiree, after reading your comments it has made me think about my situation. The positive i read from you is that although your husband doesn't appear to be to interested spuritually right now, its sounds like he is a good man. He prays with your son, does not stand in your way and discourage your walk and he is kind and gentle. Those are great qualities. He deems it important to pray with your son, so there is a glimmer there. All i can say is the next time he is sitting watching tv, make some popcorn or a treat and sit with him and watch it with him. Stay positive because from what i read there is alot of positive there. I appologize if i am speaking out of turn!! Just trying to offer some advice

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Lori Alexander 122p · 530 weeks ago

Thanks, Rob. Good words.

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Krista · 530 weeks ago

Hi Lori, I have been a reader of your blog for awhile and I would appreciate you writing something about difficult children. My 2 oldest are as headstrong as can be. They don't like reading the bible and the other day I caught one of them with a neighborhood boy. I had already told her to stay away from him(he is definitely not a Christian!) but she disobeyed me anyway. I am at my wits end with both of them and they are teaching the younger ones to not mind me. There dad has a temper so I try to warn them of there punishment but it hasn't worked. I am afraid my daughter might get it into her head to run away or do something foolish. You don't have to post this but could you please discuss this in a new column? Thank you. Krista

2 replies · active 530 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 530 weeks ago

Get To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl. It is the way we raised our children. All of their children walk in Truth and all of mine do also. There are NO guarantees but it sure makes the odds a whole lot higher of raising children who love Jesus. http://www.amazon.com/Train-Up-Child-Michael-Pear...

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donalgraeme 22p · 530 weeks ago

I sympathize with you greatly Krista. The authority of parents has been so undermined in recent decades that I cannot imagine how frustrated you must feel. Truly, that effort to weaken a parent's ability to protect their children is the work of the Evil One.

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Guest · 530 weeks ago

I am not really jealous of others' husbands, but I struggle sometimes with my husband's faults, especially in two areas. One is his lack of interest in others. I grew up in a family that loved to talk around the table and enjoyed each other. He can sit through a meal and not say a word. If he does, he doesn't seem like he's really interested, off in his own thoughts/distracted. He really seems to prefer to do his own thing rather than do stuff with the family. He really is wonderful in many ways, but is also strongly opinionated and has turned off a few of my friends by being obnoxious with his opinions such that they no longer invite us over or want to get together, and it's hurtful. I am committed to him and we do have a good marriage, but these things are hard. Do you ever bring things like this up? I have brought up the first point, but feel like I should just let the Lord handle it now. Not sure about the 2nd. Usually I've just tried to focus on my responsibilities to honor him, and there is joy in that, but these areas still make me sad.

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rhiamom 44p · 530 weeks ago

My husband has observed that he is a lot more retired than I am. He doesn't head off to the factory every day anymore, but I am still preparing meals, sweeping the floors, and washing the clothes. It strikes him sometimes as a bit unfair. But he really truly despises most homemaking tasks, while I do not. He is not "handy" around the house, but he IS a classically trained pianist. I'll take sweeping the floor myself while listening to him play Mozart over him sweeping the floor. I can't play Mozart, for one thing. I never expected a husband that would hide in his office for hours a day, doing Secret Stuff, but that gives me uninterrupted time for my sewing and other projects. And when he emerges from his office, he has written a new piece of music, and I heard it grow, like a child, from the initial theme to the finished piece.

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