Monday, January 23, 2012

Marrying Young


Are couples getting married later these days or is it just my imagination?  My mom said that in her generation, most couples got married out of high school.  I got married when I was 22 and a lot of my friends got married shortly after that.  Now, couples seem to be in their mid to late twenties when they get married.

I have been reading a magazine written by this man with thirteen children.  He calls his family CHQC which stands for Christian, homeschooling, quiverful, courtship.  In his magazine he has a quote from Martin Luther from 1522 ~

To sum the matter up:  whoever finds himself unsuited in the celibate life should see to it right away that he has something to do and work at;  then let him strike out in God's name and get married.  A young man should marry at the age of twenty at the latest, a young woman at fifteen to eighteen; that's when they are still in good health and best suited for marriage.  Let God worry about how they and their children are to be fed.  God makes children; he will surely also feed them.

This man then bemoans the fact that his older children are having trouble finding suitable spouses and he believes it is because they are so isolated in their beliefs.  He is trying to figure out a way to get like-minded families together.

I am not so sure that is the problem, however.  I know many great kids who went to a Christian high school and to Christian colleges.  They attend large, active churches yet they are still unmarried in their mid to late twenties, even early thirties.  They are available to meet members of the opposite sex and want to get married.

The problem isn't easy to diagnose or solve.  My opinion is that it is all in God's hands.  The Bible addresses young, single women this way ~

The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit.  I Corinthians 7:34

If she is seeking the Lord's will, asking for a godly spouse, then she just must patiently wait upon the Lord and His perfect timing.  You can't force a marriage.  Either two people are attracted to each other or they are not.

So take heart all you single people out there.  Trust God and His timing.  Do find ways to serve the Lord and meet people, but don't let your discouragement pull you down.  Continue to Serve the LORD with gladness; Come before Him with joyful singing. 
Psalm 100:2

P.S.  It looks like I, along with my daughters and daughter-in-law, are going to have to seriously think and pray about having week long seminars out here in sunny San Diego teaching women all about getting their Mrs. Degree!  Thank you for all your enthusiastic comments. Ken is all for it! :)

Comments (32)

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I was 27 when I married and I am so glad I waited. The man you sometimes pick at 20 and the man you marry at 27 are usually very different. LOL We have been married almost 15 years and he is my best friend. I think sometimes that it is better to wait a little while.
I married at 24 (my husband was 31 at the time). We had been together for 5 years, we were both through college, and I was almost done grad school. The timing was perfect for us. I believe that in most cases it is better to wait until your mid to late 20's to marry, but sometimes early marriage works well.
I'm a college student in Missouri but I'd totally fly out for a Mrs. seminar!
I honestly think there are various reasons why young people these days think they should wait...I can think of 2 that immediately come to mind. Young people today mature at an older age(brought on by our "me" society) and aren't ready for a permanent relationship till later in life. The other thing I hear young people saying is they are afraid to marry with the divorce rate being so high, especially with people who marry young. Obviously this isn't everyone's belief. Many people want to marry, but just haven't found the right person.
Scienceteacher's avatar

Scienceteacher · 687 weeks ago

Currently, the marriage age is the highest it has ever been with men marrying at an average age of 28.2 and women at 26.1 according to the US Census. This age has been increasing steadily since 1950, when the ages were 22.8 and 20.3 respectively. In addition, the percentage of married adults is the lowest in history at ONLY 51%. This is abysmal, and frightening.

That being said, I think there are a number of things causing this issue- first, children and teens, especially boys, are told by their parents to wait to get married, and not to rush into things. Instead of being viewed as a supportive and committed union, the media has painted marriage as something men should avoid at all costs- an "End Game" of sorts that results in a total loss of freedom. Girls who want to get married are looked upon as "strange" and "misguided". Men avoid then for fear of getting "trapped" into a relationship.

Adding to the issue is the state of Extended Adolescence that I'm seeing in many young adults. Individuals under 27 or 28 years of age seem to be of the mindset that they are entitled to anything and everything they desire. Their focus is entirely on their own wants and needs, and many parents are enabling this behavior. Instead of encouraging their sons and daughters to become active in education, employment, and faith organizations, they are allowing the children to play video and computer games, and isolate themselves from others.

Finally, I think that the way marriage is portrayed in the media, and by a large portion of the public makes it seem unappealing to most young people. As they get older and learn to separate their ideals and goals for relationships from those shown and told to them, they begin to see that marriage can be a beautiful thing. With all the pressure NOT to marry young, it can be difficult for those in mixed social groups to take the leap to begin that relationship they want, and have realized they can have no matter what society tells them.

I think the biggest service religious institutions can provide young people is education on what marriage really looks like and why it is a wonderful thing. This would need to go beyond what is in a sermon, or the typical "bible school" courses. Young men especially (mostly because I feel like there are many more young women waiting for God's timing in a mate than there are young men looking, and men should be doing the pursuing and asking) need someone to tell them why marriage is important and what to look for in a life partner. It has to start with the young people, or pretty soon there will not be any more young people.
2 replies · active 687 weeks ago
I got married a month after I turned 20, and my husband was 23. We've been married for 5 years and it's been great this far. :) I definitely don't think everyone should get married at our age, but it just sort of happened. We had both only been in one prior relationship and we felt the purpose of dating was marriage. We dated for 10 months and had a 8 month engagement, but we did a lot of talking and marriage prep during this time. I agree though, God is in control of that area of our life and not everyone should get married at 20.
I got married the October after I graduated high school. My husband was 22. It was completely perfect for us. We are still happily married almost 10 years later, we have 3 wonderful children (we started hoping for Children on our honeymoon but God took His time before blessing us with our youngest who will be 7 in a week). I have a couple friends who married around the same time/age as I was and all but one of them are divorced. Of course that one is also my only Christian friend...

My husband and I have gone through a lot. My husband has Type 1 diabetes and we've dealt with health issues with that including a kidney transplant in 2009 and an upcoming pancreas transplant...but we've made it through together with God. Stronger than ever.
The biggest mistake of my life was not getting married at 19, instead we waited 2 years. God has redeemed this mistake in many ways but it's still a huge regret of my husband and I.
Whilst marriage is occuring later - the same in Australia as in the US, many couples are living in defacto relationships first - therefore this is distorting the statistics. Many of these defacto couples see themselves as "married". Young people also want to "see the world" (travel) first before marriage - I was married at 20 and I am yet to "see the world" because I got married and had my first child at 21. They also want to save up and have some money in the bank plus have some fun before settling down and being mature.

I don't think it matters when young people get married, I think it is more important about how long they stay married.
I know a lot of people my age {29} and older still unmarried or just now entering into marriage. They spent a lot of time drinking, partying, and "living life", though the way the were living was not appealing to me. I married Josh at 21 {he was 23} and we have four children. Friends kept telling me to slow down, but I'm the one who is truly happy ~ all thanks be to God.
If children were still taught the same virtues and values as their grand and great-grand parents, I think a lot more would marry young.
It is a wonderful thing if you can get married at a young age.

However, sometimes this is not possible. Many of the peers in my group were getting married young in their 20's, and I was not. I was finally married 2 months shy of my 37th birthday. This was not what I had planned or wanted, but it was the way life worked for me.

I still know of some ladies who are in their 40's and not married, not because they don't desire marriage. It's usually because there are not suitable Christian men their age to marry.

Yes, being able to marry young is truly a blessing, but if one gets married older (not because they are purposely attempting to delay marriage), God still will bless that union as well.
1 reply · active 687 weeks ago
I was married at 17, my husband was 20. My unsaved mother made the comment that we had just as much chance at making the marriage work as anybody else. We have now been married for 21 years, and have 4 great kids. My daughters 20,19,17, have been raised to be homemakers, given responsibility, and the eldest 2 have worked out of the home since they were 15, but christian young men are very scarce. And when I look at young men of our aquaintence I do not find any that would be compatible. One daughter recently caught the eye a nice man, the catch is he is the same age as me. Their maturity level is very similar, due to her upbringing, all we can pray is may Gods will be done.
I got married at age 19 and my husband was 20. Everyone except my parents thought we were crazy. Six years and two children later; we have never regretted it! As my Mom predicted we grew up and matured together. The difficulties that come our way, like my husband developing celiac disease, has only brought us closer together!
1 reply · active 687 weeks ago
We got married last year at the ages of 24 (me) and 25 (him). I think it was a good age for us. Some of our friends thought we were getting married too young but we had been together for nearly four years and knew that we were ready for the commitment. I believe the Episcopalian view on marriage which is the idea that you don't get married on your wedding day, but rather that you have been marrying each other from the day you fell in love and the wedding day is God blessing that marriage.
I was married at 23 my husband was 26 HOWEVER we dated for 7 years before marriage. I absolutely believe that we would have been one of those "married right after high school" couples like your mom talked about, except that I somehow held the belief that that was a WRONG thing to do. I got the message that getting married young was wrong. Were we more mature and financially stable at 23 and 26? Yes. So is it better that we waited? Perhaps. We do have a really good marriage. However, we also did things we weren't supposed to do (ahem) because it's pretty darn difficult to not do those things when you're super in love!
In the present time, people view 23 as being very young for marriage, which I think is just silly.
However, overall young people are encouraged to have career goals over family goals, so getting an education and working is really primary in most minds and hearts from a very early age. Or maybe it is just harder for people to meet each other?
I would have loved to have been married young. I thought that it was "weak" to feel that way so I kept that thought hidden! So I then obtained a degree (without meeting Mr. Right, my baptist college had a female to male ratio of 2:1) and started a career. All while keeping my very strong desire for marriage quiet, didn't want to seem needy, weak or desperate. After all, I was proving to the world that I could take care of myself.

I was married 13 years ago at the age of 24. My husband was 30. Perhaps we wouldn't be married if we had met when I was young as he was already teaching while I was still in High School! Still, we are both proponants of marrying young and hope our children do just that. I'm not sure why people are delaying marriage, there are probably a number of complexities involved. I would imagine that materialism, self-centeredness and the sexual revolution all play a part.
1 reply · active 687 weeks ago
This is so true. Thank you for this post!!
Still in good health--at age 15 to 18? Does good health depart after that? How ridiculous. I am nearly 50 and still in fine health.

Marriage should come when God sends you a partner. That might be 18 or 30 or 45. It is His timing, not yours.
1 reply · active 687 weeks ago
Statistically, those young teen marriages are more likely to be unhappy and end in divorce.
Found you via Deep Roots at Home. I'm twenty and I've been married for about eight months--I was a month short of 20 when we married, and my husband was nearly 21. We had been together for a year and a half by that point, and felt very strongly that God was calling us to marriage. We both felt that it was the most God-honoring thing to do to get married when we did, and not wait till we were any older.

I don't think a young marriage is for everyone, but for us it was certainly the wisest choice--not according to the thinking of the world, but according to God. Our parents reminded us of that very often, which was so encouraging.

When it all comes down to it--GOD'S timing is the best. It is perfect. And he works things the way they are best. :)
I was 18 and my husband was...28! A lot of people thought we were crazy, but it has been great. We have endured many hardships and I would not advise anyone to get married as young as I was. There comes a time in the mid twenties that a person really takes a maturity leap. I was more in love with the idea of being married. I really did not understand the vast responsibility of promising myself to a man for LIFE! We have now been married almost 20 years and wouldn't trade it for the world!

Great post!
Mrs. Degree? Way to make a young woman feel as if the only thing higher education has to offer her is to find a mate. I went to a southern Baptist college and it always made me sad when I heard co-eds mention that term as if that was their only prospect upon graduation.

While our bodies may be fully developed by late teens and early twenties, the human brain is not fully developed until it reaches 25-26 years of age. Like an earlier post said, the person we would marry at 20 is not the same person we would marry at 28. If it works for you, great! But it's irresponsible to pressure such a huge commitment on someone else. I feel pressure from some of my family (I'm 25), but luckily, they also taught me to be independent and only do something when I feel it is 100% right for me and that it will be right with the Lord.
Such a good post. I, too, am worried about the rising age of those marrying...we are firm believers that the Lord will look out for the young couple who is committed to Him. My parents were married at 15 and 19! They eloped and had an APB out for Daddy's arrest :) They celebrated their 68th wedding anniversary 2 years ago before Daddy went to the Lord. It was hard work, and they did not shirk that!
People from my generation are definitely getting married younger these days. Women at the average age of 27 and men at 29. I personally got married at 19 and was like the black sheep among my peers. I think it's because it's been instilled by parents and society that marriage is not something you want to do until you are finished with college and are "established". I really do believe it's best to get married younger but definitely don't see anything wrong with people who are still single in their late 20's and 30's. It's normal nowadays.
I got married at 28, but wish I had gotten married sooner. I

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