Always Learning: Co-Sleeping With Babies

Monday, April 2, 2012

Co-Sleeping With Babies

Our babies didn't sleep in our bed with us, ever. I couldn't sleep if they were with us. They slept in a little bassinet beside my bed for two months, then I would move them into their own bedroom and make them sleep through the night.

Yes, we let them cry. I would go in every 10 or 15 minutes to make sure they were okay. It took about a week, but after that, they were great sleepers their whole childhood. They never had nightmares or climbed into bed with us. They loved their own beds. Maybe we were lucky, but that was our experience with all four of our children.

There are many couples that co-sleep with their babies and even young children. I just wonder how many dads out there like this arrangement. If the dads are fine with it, I think it is okay, but if they are not, which I believe most are absolutely not okay with, the wives need to listen to them. I can see how it would greatly dampen the sex life of the marriage. A good, healthy marriage is the best thing you can give your children.

Some of you will likely disagree with how we did this and that is fine with me. Just make sure your husband is on board with you. Too many women demand it be done their way and that is not biblical. I know ancient cultures all had "family beds" but that doesn't mean we need to do it that way. Many cultures had slaves also, but that wasn't right. {I'm not comparing the two. I'm just saying that just because it is in the Bible, doesn't mean it is the best way. God never gave any commands about it so it is up to each of us to decide what it best for all involved.}

So when deciding what to do with babies and sleeping, seek godly wisdom including your husband's desires and use common sense. I have read of great, godly families who co-sleep with their children and have great marriages, so I know it can be done. Everyone needs to do what they feel is best for their marriages and their families.

She that is married cares for the things of the world,
how she may please her husband.

I Corinthians 7:34

Comments (32)

Logging you in...

Dashboard | Edit profile | Logout

Logged in as

0 Vote up Vote down

Vicki Walton · 677 weeks ago

We did share the bed. My daughter had colic until about 9 months old. The only way I could get some rest is having her in bed. But that would not be my preference. Speaking of colic, when my son was born and started screaming for hours, we discovered that it was caused by my drinking milk (I nursed him). If I didn't drink any, no screaming. So thankful that my sister in law who was a nurse suggested a milk allergy. How life would have been different had a discovered the allergy with my first born.

+2 Vote up Vote down

Jennifer · 677 weeks ago

We co-slept with our 2nd child (we have two children) for the first 6 months and it was great! I felt great during the day (which was nice because I also had a toddler to take care of!) because I didn't really wake up at night.... baby would just nuzzle against me when she got hungry and I would feed her, both of us still half asleep. My husband was fine with it. Being intimate doesn't happen much in those first few months anyways and I still made sure my husband felt loved and got attention. :) Our 2nd child is a great sleeper and rarely wakes up at night (less often than our first child!).
I'm also not a believer in letting little babies "cry it out". If they are 2 years old and still waking up more than they should then maybe but an exclusively breastfed baby needs to be fed every couple of hours because breast milk digests quite quickly. I never let our children cry and they are both great sleepers!
I must say though that we also do appreciate the time between having little babies when our room is all our own and our children go to bed early in the evening and we don't usually hear from them until morning. ;)

+1 Vote up Vote down

Tiffany · 677 weeks ago

I mostly agree about the co-sleeping. Some good friends of ours co-sleep with their 3 and 1 year old kids. All four of them in one big bed. One night the wife tearfully confessed to me that they had only had sex a handful of times since their last baby was born, and that her husband had a pornography addiction (which came along with masturbation). It was awful. I know you didn't go into dating in this post but they also wouldn't go on a date because they couldn't be separated from their children. SO harmful and destructive!!!

My first two babies slept in our room (in a bassinet or swing) for a few months, then into their own cribs and rooms they went. Our third slept in our room for 6 months because we didn't have a room for her yet. :) But my kids are all great sleepers too, and it is wonderful to have time with just my husband and I. I love having our own space that is just OURS. It feels almost sacred to me.

I enjoyed this post!

+1 Vote up Vote down

Danielle · 677 weeks ago

we never co-slept. Except for a short time in the beginning when they slept in a bassinet by the bed.

I have friends who have co-slept. Most of them say they get creative w/having s#x. In other rooms, or just move the baby aside, or put the baby in the crib/bassinet.

+1 Vote up Vote down

paula · 677 weeks ago

I totally agree! this is such valuable info! :)

We co-slept with our son until 3 or 4 months.. My hubby was sorta pushed off the bed occasionally BUT it was the only way I could get any sleep, since I was nursing the baby, and I was a young nervous mom. When the baby wasn't right next to me I was SOOOO paranoid if he was ok, etc. so it was a sacrifice my hubby was willing to make for me to be able to sleep. BUT we got him out of there as soon as we could! I don't feel like it was damaging to our marriage, but I know some situations it can be! and I wouldn't have done it if my hubby was not agreeing to it.

I'm hoping to not co-sleep with our next baby but we shall see what happens.

+3 Vote up Vote down

Fran · 677 weeks ago

This topic is not applicable to me right now, but I was really happy to read your opinion, because I was raised to sleep in my own bed for as far back as I can remember, and I hope that if it is God's will that I have a husband and children, our children will sleep in their own beds (with the possible exception of a nursing newborn).

I actually wanted to comment on the scripture that you cited at the end of your post, Corinthians 7:34. I can see what context you are using it in here, and it definitely fits. But it also encouraged me because the full context of this scripture refers to single women being able to be concerned with spiritual matters and following Christ alone, whereas the married woman must be concerned with things of the flesh like pleasing her husband. Sometimes when I read a post on the topic of being a wife or mother, I feel inadequate because I am not there yet. But reading your post today and seeing this as the scripture you used made me smile at the breadth and depth of God's Word. The same passage that you used to encourage married women to act in a manner pleasing to their husbands also reminded me of the opportunity I have now to focus singularly (pun intended) on Christ.

0 Vote up Vote down

Michelle · 677 weeks ago

Love this post!

We were foster parents in Tennessee to the baby girl we adopted and named Piper! Department of Childrens Services made us take classes and follow lots of rules. #1 rule was no co-sleeping! My hubby has 2 older kiddos and he totally agreed with the rules. She was 5.9 when we brought her home and required a feeding every 2 hours for the first 6 weeks. I was exhausted but she never slept with us once and she is an amazing 2 yr old now! Only trouble now is when we travel. She won't sleep in a pack and play (cause she never did I guess?) and does not want to be in the bed with us. I'm hoping over this next year that she'll relax on trips a little so we can enjoy seeing our family again!

+2 Vote up Vote down

Joluise · 677 weeks ago

I didn't co-sleep with either of my children, however if I breast fed in the early morning I would keep the baby in bed with me. I breastfed during the night for 4-6 months and got up if my children cried at night. I am not a supporter of leaving a baby to cry at that young age, just so I can have a full nights sleep.

When my youngest was around 5 he would wake up in the middle of the night and drag his pillow and quilt in our bedroom and make up a "camp" bed next to me and go back to sleep. He just wanted to be near me. When he got a little older he became a bedwetter so many nights involved remaking wet beds etc.. until he grew out of it. At that stage you couldn't buy "pull-ups" for children, these would have been so useful.

+2 Vote up Vote down

Robin · 677 weeks ago

We have 3 children (5, 3, and 1) and all 3 have slept with my husband and I in bed. In fact, this was HIS idea. When I was pregnant with our 1st we even bought a Grand King select comfort bed (the largest bed they make--larger than a standard King sized bed). When our firstborn turned 2 and I was pregnant with our 2nd we bought bunk beds when we found out we were having another boy and began the process of moving our 1st son into his own room. We allowed our 2nd son to sleep with us til he was about 2 and it was easier for him to go to bed in his own bed because big brother was in there. We kept the bunk beds apart and just used them as 2 twin beds until our 1st son was almost 5 and then we attached the remote to the lamp so he could turn the lamp on and off in the middle of the night if he needed to climb down the ladder so he could see. Our daughter still sleeps with us (she's 1) and occasionally the boys will ask if they can sleep with us on a Friday night and we allow them every once in a while. My favorite time is when we all wake up on a Saturday morning and we're all in the same bed and we have tickle fights and our kids want to cuddle with us! I agree that co-sleeping shouldn't occur if both parents aren't on board with it. As far as marriage relationship, ours hasn't suffered. We do have to get creative but that just sort of adds to the fun of it all! I also know other parents who don't co-sleep and wouldn't have it any other way. I say to each their own and to do whatever works for your family.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Jenny · 677 weeks ago

All of our babies co-slept. My husband loved to wake up to their little faces.
With our most recent baby, we had a longer co-sleeping stretch. It didn't strain our marriage, allthough there did come a time when we both agreed that we missed our middle-of-the-night snuggles. Sex, however, did not suffer.
For thousands of years across cultures babies have co-slept. In cold climates in particular, it was out of necessity or the baby would freeze. It may not be a necessity today, but I think that putting a new baby away at night time is a luxury for parents and a little sad for the baby who has just left a very secure, warm womb. For nursing infants, night feedings for proper weight gain are strongly encouraged ~ it may be a little dangerous to risk influencing a new mother who doesn't know better {or a selfish one} to believe that her infant doesn't need to eat during the night. This goes against common sense and medical advice {mainstream and otherwise}.

+1 Vote up Vote down

jfred · 677 weeks ago

I nursed both of my children exclusively thru 5 months, when we added some table food. My children never slept in the bed or room with us. Yes, I woke up in the night, changed their bottoms, went to the living room, and nursed them, then put their wee selves into the cribs to sleep. Within 6-8 weeks both kids dropped one of the mid of the night feedings. Within 10-12 wks, both kids slept straight thru the night, with no waking for meals. They would stir in their sleep, and have brief times of wakefulness (as i do as an adult in between sleep cycles), but they would quickly fall back to sleep on their own--because they had been trained to fall asleep on their own. They did not require a pacifer or my nipple to fall back asleep.

Children after 3-6 months only eat in the middle of the night (with the possible exception of a growth spurt) because their mommies have trained them to need a nipple of some sort in their mouth to fall asleep. It is not due to needing sustenance that babies 3-5 months into toddlerhood "need" to nurse at night. It is only that they were trained to suck to fall asleep. Whih is fine, if you and your husband are ok with it. But when a mom hasn't slept soundly thru the night, and the baby is 10,11,12+ months old, most moms I know get very very upset. Then they try the cry till he/she falls asleep method, which doesn't work at this age, and which *I* find extremely cruel at that age. A newborn will fuss and cry for just a few minutes (when tired) before falling deeply to sleep. A 12 month old will scream for hours, and will cause a tired mommy to become angry.

I found waking in the night for 10-12 weeks to be exhausting, but by the end of it, i had fat, full babies who slept deeply for 10 hrs. And my kids were different in their growth, but my 1st was 95%+ percentile for height and weight her whole babyhood, so I did NOT have deprived children, lol! (my 2nd was lower % for weight, due to him not nursing as long per feeding, due to an improper attachment AND due to a fun 2 yr old sister he wanted to watch instead of eating, lol!)

I know this is a touchy subject. One way is NOT right and the other wrong. They are both methods for feeding and caring for your sweet babies. And either method NEEDS your husband's approval. The issue here is NOT which way is "best", but rather, how to honor and love your husband and how to grow your marriage. I have seen women push their husbands to the side in order to nurture their children...and not give their husbands his own time with her, alone. This can happen with kids in their own rooms as well as if the children are in the room with the parents.

1 reply · active 675 weeks ago

+2 Vote up Vote down

Brit · 677 weeks ago

I was given Babywise as a gift when I was expecting our first, and it was the best book ever! They give a really good ideas for letting your baby sleep on their own and how to use the cry-it-out method.

My husband was a full supporter of this, and like you, it took us about a week of crying it out when he was about 8 weeks old. Of course, we made sure all of his needs were met, and then let him cry (and I cried too). After that week he started sleeping 8 hours a night and by 12 weeks started sleeping 12 hours a night!

We also let them "play" before going to get them for a about 20 minutes. Babywise suggests that they need this time to slowly come back to the world and they will be happier babies. It was so true for us! Our son LOVED his crib and would sometimes cry when I took him out. If was impatient and ran in his room as soon as he woke up talking he seemed to be more fussy.

Now, we have 2 toddlers (and one on the way) who both sleep 10-13 hours a night! They never get sick (I think partly to the solid sleep that they are getting that is helping their immune system) and they are very happy!

2 replies · active 677 weeks ago

0 Vote up Vote down

Sharla · 677 weeks ago

Our 8-month-old got kicked out of our room within a couple weeks because she was a loud sleeper. Neither of us could sleep with her making noise all night (whether she was asleep or not). I'm surprised at how often in the co-sleeping debate the concept of using the baby in the bed as contraception comes up--an easy way to avoid intimacy is to have the kiddo right there. I had never thought of using my baby to keep my husband from me.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Far Above Rubies · 677 weeks ago

We did share the bed with our babies and loved it. I did not share the bed with my first-born and I regret it to this day.

Thanks for linking up.

+1 Vote up Vote down

MomsInNeedofMercy · 677 weeks ago

For me, bringing my baby into our bed and sleeping with the baby in the crook of my arm (no, you will not roll over on your baby!) always allowed me to get the sleep I needed (and the baby sleeps more peacefully, too, by a warm Mama). It required much less waking than getting up, out of bed, walking to where the baby sleeps, getting the baby up, nursing...

This topic brings out strong emotions and opinions. I appreciate that you stated that the most important thing is to be sure you and your husband are in agreement over night-time parenting strategies. I also appreciate that you shared that you know many godly couples that did co-sleep, even though you don't personally support the idea. That helped this post not feel quite so alienating for those who choose to co-sleep.

0 Vote up Vote down

beth · 677 weeks ago

Oh, you are so right! We slept with our kids, mostly because I nursed for almost two years and it was just easier at night. Our daughter fought the transisition out of our bed when her brother was born, until she realized we had new baby. "My baby", our third child, slept with me until... at least six, but just for that snuggle-time, when I moved him to his bed. My husband said it would come back to bite me but when my son, at age 12, came into my room, as I was settling for the evening, and said, "I want to watch tv with you and I don't," and then left, I knew we had a connection I didn't or couldn't share with my other two children. We never let having our kids in our bed interupt our marriage, mostly because my husband has always worked odd hours and usually the kids were in bed with me, and not us. That makes a difference, too, with how long and how often kids share your bed. Thanks for sharing about this. This was an important time of our parenting and I wouldn't change how we approached this stage.

+1 Vote up Vote down

Lyn · 677 weeks ago

I currently have two boys, aged 22 months and almost 7 months. Both of them slept in their own space from the get go. Our first born went straight to his own room. I would get up with him for the night feedings and then put him back down after changing his diaper. He worked himself into his own routine of sleeping through the night very early and has been sleeping 12 hours a night since 3 months, no crying it out, and always been good at taking naps during the day too. The second born shared our room, but in a bassinet until he was 5 months. He also worked himself into sleeping through the night by himself, no crying it out, and sleeps great for naps. I can totally understand where those who co-sleep are coming from. A lot of my friends co-sleep, and I wanted to, but my boys wouldn't sleep when they were right next to me. I get a great night of sleep every night, my co-sleeping friends with 7 & 8 month olds are all still night feeding, some several times a night, and all of them are still feeling sleep deprived. I don't think there is any one right way, but I do think it is important to actually get some sleep no matter what method you end up using. We are not designed to go long periods (several months or longer) without undisturbed sleep, so we need to each find a way to get that crucial 5 hours or more a night in order to remain healthy. It is so nice to see a conversation about this subject that isn't about one side attacking the other.

1 reply · active 677 weeks ago

0 Vote up Vote down

Chrisitne · 677 weeks ago

I never expected to sleep through the night with my babies, as I was breastfeeding and knew that they would need to feed every 3-4 hours (as instructed by my pediatrician). I think a great many new parents have unrealistic expectations about infant sleep, and expect to be able to maintain their pre-baby sleep lifestyle. Babywise, in my opinion, is cruel and has been linked to failure-to-thrive. I loved co-sleeping and I love that they still feel free to seek the security of our bed when they need it.

1 reply · active 675 weeks ago

0 Vote up Vote down

Meredith · 676 weeks ago

My husband WANTS the babies close..he loves hearing baby breathing and wiggling... I cant sleep and it makes me weepy - lol. I also love falling asleep holding his hand.
So we compromised - Baby starts the night in his bed then the first time he wakes up ( usually within an hour or two ) he comes in our bed to nurse and cuddle for the rest of the night...when baby is restless but well fed, I scoot him next to my husband and we all sleep soundly and happily :)
When baby becomes an acrobatic sleeper we have him stay in his own bed at night then cuddle with us in the early mornings :)

0 Vote up Vote down

Allison Renee · 675 weeks ago

I never co-sleep with my babies. I think the dangers are very real. Mine sleep in my room in a cradle and then a pack and play. We have a huge closet so we move the pack and play in there and leave the door cracked once they sleep through the night. Mine usually sleep through the night on their own around 4-5 months but some as early as two weeks. My later babies have had some weight gain issues so I wanted the extra chance to feed them when awaking at night:) But, once they do sleep through the night, I then let them cry if they wake up. We have had kids with night time fear issues...usually around 3-4 years of age. It is a short phase and they usually come in our room and we let them fall back to sleep in our bed and then return them to their own bed. I can't sleep with kids flopping around our bed:) I also have a post on my blog about using scripture to calm night time fear at allisonreneemom.blogspot.com

0 Vote up Vote down

Rachel · 675 weeks ago

The idea of sleeping in the bed with a baby makes me feel claustrophobic. Even if there were no possible dangers I still wouldn't do it. The way I see it, I've spent an entire day being Mommy, being available to meet all their needs, giving attention, playing, cuddling, etc. I never let them "cry it out" during daytime hours at all. After the newborn phase is over though, and especially after the 6-month mark, nights are for adult time. And I'm getting a full night's sleep and getting to hang out with my man, while other moms I know are still doing multiple night feedings, being sleep deprived, and complaining about lack of intimacy.

I do understand that other women are different, but sometimes I think women make motherhood harder than it has to be. Making unnecessary sacrifices doesn't make you a better mother. Unless you just like being attached to your baby 24/7, and I understand there are people that do like it, you don't have to be. I honestly think some women like the feeling of being "needed" by a baby, and use it to fill emotional voids in their relationship with their husbands.

0 Vote up Vote down

Marcia · 675 weeks ago

Each one of our eight children has spent some time between us in bed, and no one was unhappy with the arrangement. Never did we subscribe to the "cry it out" philosophy, despite my mother-in-law's prediction that it was necessary for proper lung development. By age two, they each slept all night, and none has sleeping issues to this day. If the little ones frighten during the night, they know they may come right to our room and we will snuggle for a bit.
Is this my prescription for every parent? Absolutely not! But if it works for you, it's certainly not a cause for regret or shame.

0 Vote up Vote down

Jen · 675 weeks ago

i'm 100% against co-sleeping. If you want the baby in your room for the first few weeks or months, have a cradle next to the bed.

Our bed is OUR bed. I'm not interested in sharing it with more people. I also think always having little ones in the bed makes it harder on them when they are old enough that they need to be sleeping in their own room each night. It impairs the sleep of children and parents and can lead to the kiddos relying entirely on mom and dad to soothe them to sleep. It can also be a hindrance to intimacy in marriage.

0 Vote up Vote down

Lari · 675 weeks ago

I can see the dangers of a bottle fed baby co sleeping, but a recent research showed that in that particular study NONE of the babies who died of SIDS while co sleeping were breastfed. It is speculated that nursing moms are more aware of their babies position.

Cosleeping for a short while after a baby is born (a few weeks) helps transition the baby into the world. I don't have regret cosleeping with our first child till she was weaned around 13 months. Our son was born four months later. Obviously sex wasn't an issue for us. Lol.

Our son didn't crave the security of physical touch the way our daughter did. So he never slept in our bed. At times when I was extra tired I fed him in the guest bed during the night. That way I could catch a bit of extra sleep.

So my advice to all new parents out there: find what works for you. Not every baby or situation is the same.

0 Vote up Vote down

Klecia · 494 weeks ago

I know it's been a while since this was posted, I just wanted to give my opinion and experience on thd subject :) I did cosleep with my last 2 bubs and will with my future bubs aswell, by cosleeping, for us, I mean bub is in a bassinet by our bed to start off with (usually for 5 hours when newborn), when they wake next, then in our bed usually until morning. If you do not use birth control (we don't), you may find yourself soon pregnant again without some form of cosleeping (the extra feedings and having bub near can keep fertility away for longer), but if you're fine having a bub every year go for it. I realise it may not affect every woman this way but it does for many including me. Google "ecological breastfeeding". If you do this I wouldn't do it legalistically otherwise it just becomes another form of birthcontrol (you trying you control it), rather than a God-given lifestyle to give your body a break and help you best take care of your nursling.

As far as what the person above stated, you should never cosleep when bottlefeeding, only breastfed Mums and bubs shouId cosleep, because breastfeeding Mums are lighter sleepers and subconciously know where their child is on the bed and won't roll on them (provided they don't smoke, take drugs, or are not on meds that might make them drousy). Having your baby sleep near you actually decreases the risk of sids, as research now says.

Obviously, this is something both parents need to agree on, and be flexible with, and intimacy can be timed around it. For us we knew we had 5 hours grace at night after 9.30/10pm, and we may or may not have that time in the morning before hubby had to go to work. So make the most of your available time with a newborn. My husband also liked us not getting pregnant again straight away. Using ecological breastfeeding gave me 28 months between babies this time, whereas cultural breastfeeding gave me 14 months the time before (I'm in my late 30s for reference, when I was in my 20s I would have been much more fertile, as I was married at age 20, and would have wanted to practise ecological breastfeeding for sure but was using birthcontrol then and still had some of those children very close together too haha).

Post a new comment

Comment as a Guest, or login:

Share on Facebook

Connected as (Logout)

Email (optional)

Not displayed publicly.

Tweet this comment

Connected as (Logout)

Email (optional)

Not displayed publicly.

Submit Comment

Subscribe to

"Mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which you have learned and avoid them." {Romans 16:17} All comments WILL be moderated before being published. Thank you for your patience.

Comments by IntenseDebate

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)