Always Learning: Are You Hard To Love?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Are You Hard To Love?

He told her he was committed to her for life but she was hard to love. Ouch! She then went on to write that even if her husband didn't love her unconditionally, at least God did. If I were counseling her, I would have encouraged her to ask her husband why she was hard to love and go about trying to become more lovable.

Are you hard to love? What makes a person hard to love???

Someone who complains a lot.

Someone who is negative.

Someone who is emotional and gets offended easily.

Someone who criticizes you a lot and doesn't accept you the way that you are.

Someone who argues with you and doesn't respect your opinions.

Someone who is discontent with their lot in life.

How about you? Ask your husband if you are difficult to love. I was for 23 years. I just asked Ken if I was difficult to love and he said "No!" I asked him if I used to be and he said "Yes!"

My advice ~ Work on being easy to love. The best way is to love others. Be patient, kind, positive, accepting, content, joyful, pleasant, and a servant. After working on those qualities, then ask your husband the same question. I will bet you'll get a different answer...

For, brethren, you have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Galatians 5:13,14

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Nicole · 675 weeks ago

Yes Lori, I do believe I can be hard to love- for many of those reasons you listed. Something I am praying about and God is working on with me- including in places like this post!! Thank you for your words that calls to attention this problem many people have.

Nicole at Working Kansas Homemaker

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unlockhersecrets 6p · 675 weeks ago

I'm just curious about something...
I've been reading your blog for a few months now and have pursued through your archives, and I realize that this blog is directed toward women and how we can improve our side of the marital relationship, not men. But whenever you talk about how you and Ken are now vs. how you used to be, you make it seem like you were the only one at fault and Ken was a great guy. I guess I was just wondering if just YOU changing made this big difference in your relationship or has Ken changed a few things too, and if so what? What makes him a different man today than when you were first married? :)

Hope this wasn't nosy, you seem pretty open though.

-Shelley

4 replies · active 675 weeks ago

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Lori Alexander 122p · 675 weeks ago

Ken has changed A LOT! But it has mostly been since I quit nagging and manipulating him and loving him just the way that he is...Since I have done that, God has worked in amazing ways in his life. All the things I wanted changed in him, God changed and did a much better job than me. I have been mentoring women for over 8 years and every single woman I have mentored has improved their marriage by leaps and bounds simply by learning to love their man just the way that they are and learning to please them. The Bible does say that women win their men without a word....It is so true!

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unlockhersecrets 6p · 675 weeks ago

Thanks for your reply. I figured, but was just curious because you're a great lady and don't really mention his flaws at all, good for you, lol.

How did the Lord help you work on your willpower to keep trying to love Ken despite wanting to nag him to change? I feel like every day I determine that no matter what, I'm going to act in a Godly, loving manner no matter what my husbands response is, but throughout the day if he's not responding (after only a few hours, go figure ;) ) I get so frustrated and give up until the next day. What did you do to toughen your skin as changes were made (in both of you)?

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Lori Alexander 122p · 675 weeks ago

Read these posts ~ http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2012/03/brand-n... http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2012/03/struggl...

Knowing who I am in Christ, that I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me, I am freed from sin, being transformed by the renewing of my mind, etc. These are what have helped me walk in the Spirit. No, I am not perfect but I am a lot better than I use to be!

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Ken · 675 weeks ago

I will weigh in on this question :). No, I was far from the perfect husband over those 23 difficult years with Lori, and certainly had my part of the blame. I think the big reason why women often, but not always, control the relationship is related to expectations. Expectations will always kill a relationship, especially when the spouse feels like no matter how hard they try they cannot please their spouse.

It seems that most Christian women and perhaps women in general, have their act together in so many more ways than their man. Lori ate right, read her Bible every day, worked out, and just basically had her act together it seemed all the time. I was high stress trying to make the job successful, or wanting to play ball and enjoy life the few moments I had free. BUT, I have qualities that Lori does not, and vice versa, and we should value each other’s strengths, not believe that I am somehow better.

All I can tell you is that I love my new and improved wife and her acceptance and love for me propels me to want to be a better person. In a sense, that is what God's love should be doing for us. We love and desire to serve Him, "because He first loved us."

Our marriage is a dance, orchestrated by God for His glory. Although I had my faults, I never gave up on trying to have a great marriage. It is the Christian husband's responsibility to live with his wife "in an understanding way" and "to love her as Christ loves the church." Once Lori jumped into trying to win her man... she won him "head over heels" as I was thrilled to have her love and accept me just the way I am.

Yes, some things I have changed, and other things she has accepted. It is easy to do both when the marriage is loving and accepting instead of feeling like you are both walking on eggshells and waiting for the next big fight to happen. Now it is basically all smiles and warmth... what a difference a decade makes :) when you try to walk in the Spirit and not the flesh!

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lisa · 675 weeks ago

wow Lori, as with Shelley i believe the Lord sent me straight to your blog. thank you for sharing.

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Brandi · 675 weeks ago

Great post, thanks!!

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Laurie · 675 weeks ago

Hi Lori! I am a new reader and a new fan of your blog. I love all the different topics and opinions you so openly give. Being that I am a Christian, I do appreciate the biblical stance that you so courageously take. Thank you for showing others what a strong woman really is! It sure isn't what the world thinks it is. I have added your blog to my blogroll so I can read you often.

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Rightthinker · 675 weeks ago

When my husband and I were first married, I had a lot to learn. My husband had tons of hang-ups and pretty much didn't treat me very well, either. However, I NEVER doubted God had brought us together, and because he was a believer (much stronger in faith than I was, just immature and learning about marriage and me) I had great faith that things would get better. I poured myself into truly becoming more of the woman God wanted me to be. It's a life-long learning process, and while I have much to learn, we've been married a long time, and are having our 7th child. I can honestly say, that it was IMPOSSIBLE for my husband to remain in some of his ways when he was loved despite them.

I wasn't trying to change him via manipulation, but rather through much prayer and commitment to selflessness.

Now, years later, I can say we have a wonderful marriage where I never doubt his love for me. He is not perfect and neither am I , but I certainly couldn't have expected God would change things this much. He says all the time that he loves loving me...we are best friends.

Don't underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit to do good work in your marriage. Lay yourself down, and continue to pray and love your husband. He is faithful.

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Allison Renee · 675 weeks ago

Thank you for this wonderfully challenging post. It has made me look deeply in how I am loving my husband:)

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Jelli_Bean 40p · 675 weeks ago

Thanks for this. I know that sometimes I am quite difficult to love, and it's been my goal this year to live a life filled with the joy of the Lord. I appreciate your honesty and the challenge to ask our husbands. I'm going to do it!

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Lori · 675 weeks ago

Ah yes, it always starts with the "inside" work... great reminder!

(I have Philippians 4:8 posted on my cupboard door in the kitchen to remind me where to focus: on what's good, what's true, what's lovely and admirable... )

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Chris · 675 weeks ago

This was very eye opening to me. (regarding myself) Thank you.

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Rachel · 675 weeks ago

I just wanted to say I love your blog and I read it like every day, but I had never made any comments until today.
I don't go to church, and my appearance and living situation are....shall we say different?....than what one would generally expect from a Christian so if it wasn't for blogs like yours there wouldn't really be much of a place for me to read/learn things like this. The women I know who live these sort of things out don't really talk about it much, and I'm too shy to bring it up.
I'm pretty sure if you met me or heard my background you wouldn't like me but......I like you and agree with about 95% of things you post.

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Kayla · 675 weeks ago

Great post! First time seeing your blog! Love it!

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Stacy · 675 weeks ago

Ouch. I think I've found some answers I've been looking for.

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Rightthinker · 675 weeks ago

Rachel,

Your post really touched me. Please don't assume if a Christian woman heard your past she wouldn't like you. If any "Christian" treats you poorly, after knowing your past, she surely has not acknowledged her own sin!

"Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little." Luke 7:47 This verse means that for those of us (myself included) who REALIZE and accept with Thanksgiving, even a fraction of what the Lord has forgiven us for, we have SO much to be thankful for. None of us, no matter how "perfect" Christians may claim to be, can claim they are without sin!

If you are still living without your sin washed away, then ask Jesus to do so..commit your life, your soul to Him, and begin laying everything at His feet. If you are in a situation now that is sinful, and you come to the Lord, He will convict you to make changes. We cannot live in sin, and expect salvation..we must do our best to walk away. Please know, however, many of us ladies come from backgrounds with tremendous sin...God has made some amazing changes in many hearts and lives-myself included, yet do not let this fool you that there is imperfection!

God Bless, and I'm glad you found Lori's blog. She speaks the truth, and it's a rare gem to find today.

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Nikki · 675 weeks ago

Found your blog on the UBP.
I admit, I can be hard to love....I'm very impatient at times and I have a short temper. However, those are things that I am constantly working on. And I am very blessed to have a husband who loves me in spite of all my faults.

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Cynthia Swenson · 675 weeks ago

I AM hard to love sometimes but NEVER too hard for Jesus to love! Praising Him today because He loves me!!! Blessings, in Jesus, Cynthia

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Nichole · 675 weeks ago

Well, I do believe that at times I can be hard to love. I am not perfect, but I sure do try. :)
Lovely post!
http://myhappilyeverafteragain.blogspot.com

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Sherree · 674 weeks ago

I just found your blog and love it. I have signed up for your email. Looking forward to reading more. Thanks so much for giving from the heart. Marriage is a great place to be. I have been married to my Tommy for the past 38 years and it has not always been smooth. Yet, the glue that keeps us together through all the valleys has been our continued love for the Father. How do marriages today survive with our Heavenly Father is beyond me.

Thanks again and also for Ken writing his post. I have printed it off, because I want my daughter to read it. Powerful!

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kimmie · 674 weeks ago

Thanks for the heart checkup!

Kimmie
mama to 8
one homemade and 7 adopted

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