Saturday, December 26, 2015

This Is "Biblical Conflict" Resolution?


Focus on the Family had a married couple on the radio recently who has written books on marriage. The topic they were discussing on this program was conflict between spouses. Their solution was to keep talking about it and praying about it until you reach a point where both spouses are happy with the resolution.

Jim Daly asked about a conflict that just didn't seem to be resolving, then what? Their solution was to keep praying about it until the one with the better solution won the conflict. Huh??? Not one mention about the husband being the leader or the wife being submissive. Not one! I think Jim Daly was trying to hint at that but I can't be sure. They seem to think that the one with the better solution should win whether that is the husband or the wife.

I am not sure how that works since both parties always think they have the better solution. This is why conflicts can go on and on when there isn't one designated leader. I think a much better way to solve a conflict would be to both share your concerns and solutions and then the husband decides the solution since he is the head of the home and the wife is to obey him in everything. In doing it this way, there is no conflict!

This proves my point that there must be a leader in every organization including the family. If not, there is going to be strife and probably a lot of it. The Bible repeatedly commands us to pursue peace with all men and not be in strife or quarrels with others.

You and you alone can control your reaction, your anger, your emotions, and your moods towards your husband. You have no control whatsoever over your husband and his opinions, habits, or leadership. Instead of having a long drawn out conflict as this couple espouses over many days or even weeks sometimes, let your husband lead and have the last word and final say.

Depart from evil, and do good; 
seek peace, and pursue it.
Psalm 34:14


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FREEINDEED!'s avatar

FREEINDEED! · 483 weeks ago

Lori, I just had this conversation with my sister a few weeks ago. She is divorcing her husband and wanted me to come be near her to console her during the crisis (3 hours away). My husband preferred I not go for many different reasons, so I didn't go. She was irate with me that my husband hadn't cared about "my need" to come to her and that I respected his concern and "listened to him". I was at peace about the whole thing. But she said sometimes we just need to tell our husbands how it's going to be when we need/ expect certain things. I told her, if she feels that way, that could be a reason why they are having trouble working things out. . . . Please, if you would, pray for them today. I will never give up hope that they can be reconciled.

Thanks again for Truth in the madness :)
4 replies · active 483 weeks ago
Encourage her to see the movie The War Room. She needs to see it and yes, I will pray for them. Divorce is tragic.
FREEINDEED!'s avatar

FREEINDEED! · 483 weeks ago

Thank you for that specific recommendation, Lori. I haven't seen it yet, but am excited to. We have few movie nights and my hubby has been choosing other titles. I may send it to her today, on your recommendation.

I appreciate your prayers for them. I have many marriages failing around me. It can be quite disheartening BUT Romans 5:1-5! I am hearing SO MANY who are just choosing not to suffer through with their spouse. But it is a vain pursuit. There is suffering in this life.

I LOVED Anna Duggar's response. Desiring His wisdom and not relying on our own understanding- Revolutionary! Have a blessed day, Lori.
I am about to watch that for the first time at m church( War Room). I am so pumped! @FREEINDEED! I pray for your sister and her husband. I pray that you, your sister, and your brother-in-law will find clearity, peace, and spiritual guidance.
FREEINDEED!'s avatar

FREEINDEED! · 483 weeks ago

Thanks, Gracie :)
This is the conflict resolution method of feminists (Christian egalitarian). It is an effort equalize all relationships, so they use a broad stroke method to incorporate all relationships when in reality each relationship has its own method. Lori, you and I can use this method b/c we are peers. In a peer (The Body/Church) relationship we can "argue/discuss" a subject forever, but if it is a serious matter, there is room in a peer relationship to move apart from each other, somewhat. You and I are not ... "One flesh." In a parent-child relationship, it requires a different set of conflict resolution dynamics, but again, a parent and child are not ... "One flesh." In a boss-employee relationship, yet another set of dynamics. All of the conflict resolution methods can be stretched and reshaped to be applicable, depending on the relationship ... except for marriage. It is the only one where the two parties have become one flesh: No wiggle room to move apart and, therefore, there will never be any reprieve for unity. That's why when a wife continues to state her case over and over again (in the article I believe they call it, ".[...] keep talking about it [...]" ) she is told she is argumentative, a dripping faucet, or contentious etc .... because there will be NO resolution until SOMEONE yields. Submission puts the weight of this responsibility on us wives.
2 replies · active 483 weeks ago
Great points, Robyn, but I think it is best to try and not argue with anyone as believers since we are called to be peacemakers. I understand you wrote "argue/discuss" so we need to be very careful to keep it in the "discuss" category and not go into the "argue" category as far as it depends upon us! It's not always easy to figure out when the line has been crossed but I have found it is when I want my way too badly or want to be right over having a peaceful relationship.
oh yes, peacemaking, of course. When I said "argue/discuss" I meant in a discussion of debating differing opinions, not as in "fighting". My point was a comparison that no real resolution is required for the friendship to continue. But if it simply cannot, we have the wiggle room in those peer relationships, versus none in marriage. For instance, I had to rearrange some boundaries ("wiggle around") in one particular friendship that did not allow for homeschooling in her understanding; she continued to try and talk to my kids about it being not a positive experience for them. As far as it was concerned on my part, I sought peace but did not seek to dissolve the friendship.
This reminds me of my husband's grandparents who loved each other very much and she was a great model for a submissive wife, and she was joyful about it! When he retired from farming and moved into town, he actually bought the house without telling his wife or asking her first. (He happened to be in town, found out there was an auction and went to it, and knew the house was just right for them. He needed to bid on the home right away, so he didn't have time to consult her about it). He bought it, came home and told her they were moving into town and a house was bought. And she was fine with it! My mother-in-law once asked her how she honestly felt about that, and she replied that she trusted and loved him and getting angry wasn't going to benefit anyone! He was a good husband and loved her, just made decisions on his own sometimes. I remember being so surprised when I was first told that story, and while I'm not saying I wouldn't appreciate my husband consulting me first about big decisions, it's been a great example that I think of as far as submitting and not letting anger get the best of you. Especially since we live in the original farmhouse that they lived in :) Back then, submission was much more accepted than it is today. But thankfully my husband's family has been good examples for me, including my mother-in-law.
1 reply · active 483 weeks ago
Wonderful story, Katie. Thank you for sharing. Anger does not accomplish the righteous life that God desires. Nothing good comes from being anger. Your grandmother was a very wise woman.
When my husband and I get in a conflict, I ask God to work in my heart to not be confrontational. I may think that I'm right, but when I have given in and l let my husband lead, the conflict has worked it self out. My husband has said "I suppose you want to tell me 'I told you so'". I said, "Nope, I'm not righteous, God is. He tried to use me to share his wisdom, but you wouldn't listen, so he had to use a different route." And I apologize for making a conflict in the first place.
1 reply · active 483 weeks ago
It is a great idea to ask the Lord for wisdom at a time like this, Deb. He tells us to just ask and He will give it to us!
My husband and I don't argue much. Although we used to fight a lot more in times past. I just thought I'm too old and tired to be bothered getting into a fight over stupid things. I've got better things to do than that. The 'solution' above reminds me of a game of tug of war. Except no one wins this one. At least not without bitterness. Yes, praying is a part of conflict resolution. But I think if a husband and wife disagree with something, I think they should both go away and pray that God would help them in know what His will in the matter is, then come together to calmly discuss it and consider each other's viewpoint. And then even if they still disagree, the wife should submit and they should pray together that God would unite their hearts on the matter. And leave it at the foot of the cross.

I stopped taking advice from focus on the family after James Dobson left. They wanted to change the ministries viewpoint on child training to suit the modern era and Dr Dobson wouldn't have a bar of it. And so he agreed to step away. They have also come under fire for a booklet they produced instructing women on how to 'properly' take the abortion pill. Instead of giving them other prolife options and hope in Jesus. They tell them if they are going to have an abortion, do it the right way. So sad. (And yes, I can produce links on the booklet to support my claims.)
1 reply · active 483 weeks ago
That's very sad about Focus on the Family. It seems many things like colleges, churches, etc.grow lukewarm over time. This is why we must consistently be in the Word and prayer so this will never happen to us.
http://theologymix.com/culture/murder-child-safel... The link can be slow to load. But is worth a read. It was designed to use in abortion clinics. But rather than show hope in a direction away from abortion, They almost up support it. This was their chance to be a shining light to those without hope. And they wrecked it. Anyway. That was a little off topic. But I do agree with you Lori. Hope you and yours had a fantastic Christmas. :-)
Some businesses are partnerships between two people, with no clear head. They make decisions by reaching a consensus. Do you feel this is impossible in a marriage?
2 replies · active 482 weeks ago
Dan, I am not Lori, but this is my answer. Lori may or may not agree. Business partnerships are not scriptural to begin with. And should be avoided.Read proverbs. If then business partnerships are not scriptural, then I would come to the conclusion that yes, two heads in a marriage partnership is impossible, for it produces nothing but an ugly, two headed beast.
Statistically the vast majority of business partnerships fail. The main reason they fail is the inability of the partners to reach a consensus longer than about 5 years on average. Even if the partners started out perfectly compatible their vision and goals change over time. Other multiple business partnerships like law firms often never reach consensus they just agree to to follow a majority vote.

As a business transitions and management consultant, in my field we have moved almost completely away from equal partnerships to fractional partnerships where one partner owns a larger share so that he is the final decision maker. Or we are findings lot of transitions being done where the young Buyer stays as an associate for 2-3 years then buys 100% of the business with the previous owner moving to the associate position. Especially in partnerships where on partner is older heading to retirement and the other younger, one can see that conflicting goals can quickly enter the relationship.

Your question is a good one, but the facts go on to prove Lori's point. That even in business it is most often best for the business to have one person have the final say. And as such, this lead partner often defers to his fractional partner(s), but in major disagreements he retains the right to lead the business forward where he feels is best. This decision as to what to do, or where to go is far less damaging to the business than a regular conflict between two partners that can destroy the business moral and ultimately the business itself if not resolved. It is ugly for the employees when two partners are in regular conflict.
My husband spent so so much money this Christmas. It's like he went a little crazy and bought everyone super nice gifts. But I have kept my mouth shut which is very hard for me to do. I am super frugal and never spend money on anything. I take the kids to the thrift store for clothes, I don't get manicures/pedicures, for 6 years I cut my own hair...you get the idea. So when he bought me a $200 jacket when I've seen a similar one at Costco for $15 I was hyperventilating inside. And not in a "thank you! thank you!" way. But in a "OMG I can't believe he's spending all this money" way. He got the kids a $300 Wii and $100 drones and nice stuff for the nieces and nephews. And I just kept telling myself "let him spoil you. Receive his gifts. He wants to shower the family with nice presents. Let him. This is what he works so hard for. All the bills are always paid on time. We have a comfortable savings. We are fine. Accept his gifts." It may sound crazy Lori, but this is me trying to be a better loving wife! Because my instinct is to freak out and go "what are you doing spending all this money! Are you crazy?!"

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