Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Her Husband Repents of His Affair

Something big happened last night. My husband and I have been going through so much since he decided that he wanted our marriage instead of another woman and a divorce. It's been a long, hard, difficult road. We have lots of good days but there are still bad days; days where I struggle and hurt so much. I ashamedly admit that there are times when I have been tremendously difficult because I can't see past my own hurt, pain and depression to see how good our marriage really is now and how dedicated my husband is to me. The depression is dark and so hard to shake.

When my husband came back and confessed his affair and expressed that he wanted our family back together, he was extremely apologetic and repentant to me and there are times where he keeps apologizing for the pain it has caused me. Like I have said before, my husband owns the affair and the wanting the divorce as his own. He won't let me have a part in it {although I know there are things I had contributed to his unhappiness}. He has really been dedicated to our marriage and fighting for it to work, even when I can't or don't want to at all.

My husband has always been expressing his brokenness and apologies to me, but I wasn't confident that he ever confessed it to God and repented to Him. I never pushed the issue to ask. It's not my place. I just took to praying to God about it. I prayed that God would restore my husband’s heart back to Him. I believed that God would do this.

Last night was a rough night. It's hard to explain what happened but I was dealing with so much pain, hurt and fear I could literally feel it paralyzing me. Nothing happened to bring it on; our day was great. In fact, I started a new Bible study that morning and really offering up praises to God for our marriage. Also, the learning about my freedom in Christ and not having to “die to self” has consumed my thoughts, so I did some extensive study on this as well.

Lately, I have been trying to learn, study and memorize Philippians 4:8 which I have been trying to apply in regards to renewing my mind about our marriage and about my husband. My nights before I would fall asleep would go like this; "Okay God, you said to think on whatsoever is honest, good, lovely, etc. my husband loves me and our family. He is here. He provides for us. He tells me daily how he is going to fight for our marriage and how he will never hurt me again. He compliments me and it is a visible change that he is a different man....." And I would go on and on, thanking God and dwelling on the good, usually until I fell asleep. It helps me to wake up in a better mood also, I have noticed.

Last night, while I was doing this, the darkness came and it consumed me. It was the worst it has ever been. I was so sad. I cried and couldn't quit. My husband tried to help but he couldn't. Usually what happens when sadness and hurt consume me, my husband and I will hold each other and he will comfort me until my anxiety is gone. Last night, he didn't do that. Instead, my husband grabbed me in a full body embrace and I started feeling his tears roll down over my face, intertwining with my tears. Then I heard the most beautiful sound; he was crying out to God begging for forgiveness for what he had done and how it has affected our family. That man poured out a prayer that I have never ever heard come from his mouth, ever. I have never heard him cry like that, not to that degree. After he was done, he grabbed my face and said, "Will you please, please, forgive me? I need that from you."

Right then, I thought about how Jesus said to forgive and I thought about the conversation we had in here about being ready to forgive, always. I knew in my heart I didn't forgive him before. I knew I said I wanted to but I didn't really try. I was hurt and I was too focused on that to see his hurt.

Then I thought about the topic we had in here in on Romans and not "dying to self" and how it made me think about freedom in Christ. That entire conversation has just consumed me. I can tell in my soul that this is something I need to learn. I didn't feel free. I started to think about how I didn't feel free because I was choosing to focus on his sin and on my own problems {specifically beating myself up for not being a perfect wife and then thinking my husband would leave me again for another woman}. Then it dawned on me, I didn't feel free because I was choosing to focus my time on those things instead of the eternal. I kept thinking about how I thought I needing to constantly be dwelling on how to “die to self” instead of dwelling on the finished work of Christ. {I think I am starting to understand now Lori, maybe}. And then Robin, your words came to my head about how what my husband did, in regards to the affair, was covered. Done. Forgotten. No longer remembered. I mean all these thoughts hit me like freight train in those few minutes.

In that moment, I felt a tremendous peace flood me. I grabbed my husband’s face and said, "I forgive you. I don't like what you did but I know you don't either. It's going to hurt from time to time but I choose to believe that you are no longer that man." And then I felt the need to pray loudly over us both. I repented to God for my unforgiveness, bitterness and sometimes revenge towards my husband and then praised Him for bringing my husband’s heart to Him and answering my prayer. My husband cried, I cried; I mean it was the most spiritual moment between us.

Today, my husband texted me and said he wanted us to do a Bible study together; we haven't done that in a very, very, VERY long time. And honestly, even if we don't, the fact he mentioned it shows me that God is moving and working, right here in our little home.

Ladies, I write to you to tell you that I am finally feeling free. Something I haven't felt in my walk with Christ because I have been too focused on what I need to do to change. I know that there will be hard and painful days, but I also know that it won't ever be like it was before. I saw my husband cry out to the Lord like never before and I was able to turn loose of a life that I never had control of anyway. {My husband crying out to God was monumental as well. This is HUGE for our family right now. I've never seen something like that from him.}

Forgiveness is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I don't think I have ever forgiven my husband for his pornography use, his adultery, his hurtful words and actions, for anything really. Last night. I forgave him for it all and in the end, even though he is very, very grateful for my forgiveness; what really happened is it freed me. 💕

Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him
that the body of sin might be destroyed, 
that henceforth we should not serve sin.
Romans 6:6

***This testimony was given by a woman in the chat room who we have been praying with and for the full restoration of her marriage. She gave me permission to share it with all of you in hopes of giving those in the same position that she was in to remember with God ALL things are possible.