The first time I read this chapter about loving our husband, I thought it would be about submitting to him and obeying him but no, it was all about sex. Why is this considered loving our husbands? Why is sex so important to them? I will never forget giving the book Every Man's Battle to a friend of mine who had a son in high school, like my boys were at the time. I thought it would be good for her son to read. A few weeks later when I saw her, she said, "That book makes it seem that every man is a pervert!" She thought this since it clearly explained a man's great desire and need for frequent sex.
Debi gave a picture of a man who was very hungry and how he will scour the kitchen looking for food to satisfy his hunger. Sex is the same way for them. No matter how much I love and respect her feelings and needs, I still have this overwhelming sexual need that drives me until it is satisfied...Married men need frequent sex just as much as they need food. "I want to crawl into bed at night with a woman who is glad I am her man, and I want to make love every few days so I don't have to think about the girls at work."* Yes, men are visual and this shouldn't offend you. This is the way God made them. It doesn't mean they shouldn't have self-control, but it is better for you to be the one continually satisfying this need so he won't be like a hungry man concerning sex. Don't keep him hungry.
Please read this chapter in Debi's book, women. I would type out the whole thing if I could type that long! I mentor women who hate sex, never give their husbands sex, don't move during sex, use any excuse to avoid it, etc. Did you know that all of these are sin? Did you know that when you do this you are blaspheming the Word of God since God commands that you love your husband and this it the highest form of love towards your husband? Women have all types of excuses. Hey, I'm way past menopause at 57 years old and I could have all types of excuses with all of my health problems, but I don't because I love Ken and want to please him in this area. I want him to be happy.
Many women hate to think that their husband has so little lack of self-control, but it is God's Word that commands we don't refuse each other in this area so our husband won't be tempted or feel unloved by the woman who should love him the most {1 Corinthians 7: 3-5}. When a wife refuses her husband, her disinterest in him sexually is a reflection of her heart, and he knows it. Her husband knows in his spirit that all her excuses are just that: excuses for not wanting him. When a woman just allows, cooperates, and tolerates, it leaves a man feeling sick at heart.*
Man is driven to succeed. Hormones drive him to be the best at work, to drive aggressively, to build the best buildings {praise God for men!}, or write a musical piece. But his most pressing drive is to be a successful lover.* When a woman refuses to please her man in this area, she is disobeying God's clearly stated Word . The gravity of his wife's sin is staggering. She has NO FEAR of God Almighty. She has blasphemed the Word of God with her selfishness, thinking only of her own needs and not loving her husband. Never, never, never be guilty of such a grave sin.*
In closing, women ask me what is acceptable in the marriage bed. Everything is acceptable unless it clearly violates God's Word such as porn or anything harmful such as anal sex. Anal sex is a homosexual act and no normal man or woman desires this. The use of pornography has increased this abomination. It is a filthy practice and medically dangerous.* I had no idea married couples even wanted to have anal sex until a few years ago! I agree with the Pearls that any woman has a right to not obey her husband in this area if he asks but in everything else, cheerfully and willingly participate.
There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid.
Proverbs 30:18, 19
*Quotes taken from the book.
*Quotes taken from the book.
Logging you in...
M Cooper · 472 weeks ago
Ann · 472 weeks ago
I'm not sure that this is Biblical. Sexual response is involuntary. While she can join him in bed and be open to having a good experience how much sexual pleasure she receives isn't something that either of them can necessarily control. If she has not denied him sex then she is not in sin. Not being turned on by him isn't a sin but he can't be a successful lover if she isn't turned on by him.
deanna · 472 weeks ago
Anon M · 472 weeks ago
M cooper, pray about this area in your life and your husbands life. And make sure that when you do get a chance to come together with him that you do what you can to knock his socks off so he will want to come back for more. It may be a hormonal imbalance or anything. Hope you resolve this area. :-)
Mrs.M · 472 weeks ago
It gave me a lot more compassion for him when he is ready to go and I am not. I had always made it a point to say no very rarely, but after that I pretty much never said no. (I would if I was sick or something, but he is kind and doesn't ask if he knows I am not feeling well.)
Another thing I have realized is that my attitude really does make a huge difference. Sex is very mental for women, so even if physically I'm not really ready to go, if I make an effort mentally to get into it (and even say a quick silent prayer asking God to help me love my husband in this way) then 9 times out of 10 after a few minutes I am just as into it as him. He knows if I am just going through the motions, and he really wants it to be mutually enjoyable, he doesn't want to just be "serviced". It's like if I want to talk and he sort of shrugs and says, "Well I don't really feel like talking but I will sit here silently and you can talk to me if you must. But don't expect me to contribute to the conversation." Sex and physical intimacy for men is just as important as communication and emotional intimacy for women.
Anonymrs. · 472 weeks ago
But I will say that the phrase 'have to look at the girls at work' is unbiblical. He does not 'have to' look at them in a lustful way. He can 'take every thought captive' and refuse to let himself lust after other women. He can rebuke the lustful thoughts he has about other women as the temptation to sin that they are. And it is *not* his wife's fault if he does give in to that temptation and sin. His sin is HIS sin and it is on him. period.
Blaming the wife is wrong. Her husband is in control of his own body and he makes his own decisions. it's not a wife's fault if her husband cheats, or entertains lustful thoughts about other women, or looks at porn or anything else. She is *not* forcing him to sin. He is *choosing* to do so.
Krista · 472 weeks ago
Guest · 472 weeks ago
The only issue I have is the anal sex bit. Can you please point out the relevant scripture that says anal sex is a sin? I understand that the practice of homosexuality is a sin, but doesn't scripture say that the marriage bed is undefiled? Why is it sinful for a husband and wife to indulge in anal sex if they both enjoy it? What makes you think that "no normal man or woman" desires this? I would think it would be the contrary - all men have a prostate gland, and this is known as the 'hot spot' for men.
This is a genuine question - I'm genuinely seeking scripture to back up the claim of anal sex being bad - as it is something that a great many people enjoy, so if it truly does go against scripture rather than just being someone's opinion, I would truly like to know.
Thanks :)
Charles · 472 weeks ago
Dave · 471 weeks ago
And equally important is that we accept the reciprocal; we now naturally reject our God and our spouse being intimate with us. Certainly this is metaphorical as we are married to Christ, but it is profoundly practical in that we gain understanding of ourselves and our spouses when we let loose while being naked, and certainly that applies with Christ as we are honest with Him about who we are and then about who He is [the robber on the cross was ‘naked’ about himself and about Christ next to him, and was promised paradise].
Without understanding this we really cannot find the final answer in Jesus Christ, the Word become flesh. If we are not ravished with our spouse, we cannot be ravished with our God. Yes, even those not married have to understand this principle. The foundational way spouses communicate is through sex. The Hebrew word for “they ‘knew’ they were naked” [Gen 3:7] and for Adam ‘knew’ Eve - sexual relation- [Gen 4:1] is the same word ‘yada’ #3045 in Strong’s: seeing, observation, care, recognition, instruction, acknowledge, perceive, respect, understand. Yada, yada, yada. And more yada!
And I suspect that even in sex outside marriage that it is not solely for the fun of sex but for the deep desire to have a meaningful relationship – to know and be known – which we all so really desire and need. It is no coincidence that the Devil, in presenting an ongoing lie about the Word of God, has both the church and the world telling us a lie: the church restricting nakedness in the marriage bed causing the world to promote nakedness on the street. Rather, quite literally, anything goes in the marriage bed that is solely between the spouses. There is no act that, in exploring your spouse or revealing yourself – in knowing them, is off limits. That part of your spouse that you do not want to know about or that part of yourself that you do not want to reveal is playing into the hand of sin – ‘they were naked and ashamed.’ Refute that!
The church has historically created all kinds of arguments and traditions that are simply of men and not of God. Both the OT and NT warn of lies perpetrated by the world and the church. This is the first and foremost lie for as the marriage bed goes so goes the marriage, the kids, the church, and the world. It is ground zero for fighting self and our temptations and for giving of self and ministering the message of Jesus Christ Himself, modeling Christ and His church - seeking Him and wanting to be sought by Him.
Ken · 471 weeks ago
and something not well understood in the church is that to "know and be known" fully by a spouse and by the Lord is the basis upon which intimacy is built. It is the hidden and off limits areas of our lives that destroy true intimacy. I am not sure I would go so far as to say, "anything goes in the marriage bed that is solely between the spouses," but in principle I agree that within reason and health safety, a spouse should give themselves over to the exploration of the other spouse to be fully known, including to understand what the other person enjoys and finds pleasure and bonding.