A woman had a question on thejoyfilledwife’s very popular post Raised in a Filthy Home to Becoming a Neat Freak. “I have a question as the friend of a Christian wife and mom of three {ages 5-10}. The four of us - our husbands, included - are close friends. We adore their family! However, their home is absolutely messy and chaotic, to the point that when we spend time at their house, my husband and I are very uncomfortable. I know they have some awareness of it. Both of our husbands are pastors. I want to encourage her, and be honest with them, but not judge her. What would you recommend I do or say?” Several woman have asked me this question also, so I asked thejoyfilledwife to respond with her thoughts. Here is what she wrote back to me.
These kinds of questions are always so hard because it
depends on the relationship and if she's said something, even subtly, before.
People rarely mention it when they've already made several comments and then
wonder why the other person is defensive. :-)
We have an older couple we are friends with whose house
smells so horrible that we don't allow ourselves or our children to visit
inside. Instead, we invite them out to lunch at their favorite spot and do our
visiting there. The air quality in the home is horrible and they are very
aware, for their children won't allow their grandchildren to visit their home {there's also other drama} and they refuse to do anything about it. They sit on
their couch all day and their home is incredibly filthy. They don't think it is
and are content with it.
These kinds of subjects have to be approached very sensitively
because there can be a lot of hidden reasons behind the mess. Sometimes it's
laziness or never having been taught how to keep house. Other times, they are
oblivious to it or are so busy with other things that it's permanently placed on
the back burner. Most of the time, I think people don't really know where to
start and they don't realize that the key to making housework easier is to
maintain little by little, instead of creating a two week-long project for
themselves that makes them feel like they're in over their head and too
overwhelmed to even start.
I've never tried articulating this concept before, so
hopefully I'm able to be clear, but my husband always tells me that I have
mastered the art of "saying something without saying something" when
it comes to dealing with big issues in others. In other words, since people are
so overly sensitive nowadays, you almost have to find a roundabout way of
communicating to them in a way where they almost think it's their idea. This
allows them to save face and not feel embarrassed. If they are embarrassed,
they will likely clam up and make things worse. You are trying to reach their
heart.
Sometimes, I'll make a comment about myself and see if they
voluntarily agree with me on it. For instance, I may ask someone what book made the biggest impact upon them this year or the most helpful tip
they came across, being genuinely interested. I ask them questions and show an
interest. Likely, they will ask me the same question in return, in which I will
give them a "sandwich" answer: mentioning a few varied things, with
the message I really want to get across being discreetly sandwiched somewhere
in the lineup. Maybe it was a book on topic "XYZ" which changed my
perspective on something. Then I'll say, but its probably also a tie with a tip
I learned from a friend {or book, or web site} that helped me keep my home
organized much more easily because, I'll admit, I was really struggling with
just where to begin because it became this mental block for me and, honestly, I
was a little embarrassed to have ever asked her about it.
Often, at this point,
they will ask about it {because you've been honest about having been in over
your head and they feel you will understand their situation and not judge them} and you can answer simply. Then you can ask them a favor and tell them that you
are realizing that what you could really use is a friend to hold you
accountable and encourage you in this endeavor, knowing how much peace it
brings the family. Tell them that you trust them and wonder if they
would be willing to let you check in with them on how you're doing. Often this
is all it takes for people to open up to me about their situation and ask to
participate also, because you've made yourself vulnerable first and the idea for
them to participate on their end would be their idea.
If that doesn't work {it usually does} then I will share
tips with them enthusiastically as I read about them and make a really big
deal. For instance, "Oh my goodness, I just came across the most helpful
way to do _____. I wish I would have known about it before because I could have
saved myself a lot of time and headaches. You have several young children, so
you will probably relate to this too, but have you ever come home to ____ and
you think to yourself that there's just no way on earth you have the energy to
deal with it right then? Well, this lady made a suggestion that we've been
trying out and I can't believe how much easier its been for out family and how
relaxing it is to come home to a house free of clutter like that."
You get the idea. You are, in a more straightforward way {for those who don't pick up on subtleties}, acknowledging that they probably are struggling with this same thing since they are in a similar phase of life as you, but you are making it all about what you are changing and what's working for you.
There are a few people that you can be refreshingly
straightforward with about a topic of concern, but most women are way too
easily offended to see the true love and concern behind a comment. Because of
this, I think it beneficial to practice dealing with such topics in a way that
comes across smoothly and indirect. It works for me almost 100% of the time and
has allowed me to reach people instead of cause them to close off. Just a few
ideas!
Wherefore comfort yourselves together,
and edify one another, even as also ye do.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Wherefore comfort yourselves together,
and edify one another, even as also ye do.
1 Thessalonians 5:11